What a week. From Brees to Peterson to Romo to the Eagles defense, six owners woke up on Tuesday feeling like they made all the right moves, five owners are left shaking their heads and gearing up for Week 2, and one owner, Dawson, is probably ready to light my house on fire.
By the way, Dawson, I will pick on you all year now. You get all riled up and it's just too much fun. Had you been quiet and let me call out my own mistakes on Benson and Jones, I'd still be making fun of the League's worst franchise, World of Noise.
Noise is 1-0 after Week 1. What are you, Dawson?
Here are the recaps, starting with my pal, Dawson. He'll probably find a typo somewhere in here and spit it back at me with some sly remark. Oh, I can't wait. Actually, I can't wait until our Week 8 matchup.
Strong Brees Damages Houserville
122.8 | Sunday Slackers (1-0)
105 | Real Houserville (0-1)
I’d look through my thesaurus, but I’m confident there isn’t an adjective to describe Drew Brees’ performance.
He was unbelievable.
Yes, I know, it was against the Lions, but how many quarterbacks threw for six TDs against the hapless kitties last year?
Answer: One. Aaron Rodgers, but he did it in two games.
Brees, the keeper and franchise player for the Slackers, set the new JimmyJam League record for points by any player with 53.5, edging out Tom Brady, who had 52 points in 2007.
If it wasn’t for the record, the Slackers would be the same old Slackers — 2-10 last year. Ironically, he was the Lions of our League last year.
Outside of Brees and WR Reggie Wayne (162 yards, TD, 22.2 points), the Slackers got nothing, including a dismal 6.7 points from his No. 1 overall pick Steven Jackson.
Neil Rackers was the only other double-digit scorer.
And boy does that have to sting for Real Houserville, who proved the League Manager wrong. Here’s your feather, I’ll buy you a cap later.
Julius Jones went for 117 and a TD (21.6 points) and Cedric Benson went for 76 and a TD (16.8), but might be worth noting it was against the Rams and the Broncos, respectively, two teams that will have horrible records at the end of the season.
Peyton Manning managed 18.6 points in a slugfest with Jacksonville and when all was said and done, Houserville had 107 points — a total that would earn a win in most weeks.
Still, Houserville was let down by his keeper Steve Slaton (3.2 points) who was among several Texans who had a hellish home opener.
Like the Lions, Houserville put up point, but fortunately for Houserville, like the Lions, he doesn’t have to face Drew Brees again.
There’s an adjective for that: Happy-go-lucky.
Unsuspecting Star Anchors News Team
115 | Channel 4 News Team (1-0)
90.4 | Stanksta’s Gangstas (0-1)
No, it wasn’t Aaron Rodgers.
Matt Forte didn’t shine.
It wasn’t Terrell Owens, surprisingly.
If it wasn’t those three, who the hell led this team?
Tight end John Carlson. His 95 yards and two TDs against the junior varsity Rams was the difference in this contest.
Rodgers did score 19.7 points, thanks to his late Brett Favre-like game-winning drive against the Bears. His 50-yard touchdown pass in the waning minutes of the game was worth 12.5 points (6 for TD, 2.5 for 50 yards, 2-point bonus for the 40-plus TD, and 2 points for the 2-point conversion.
DeSean Jackson also had a huge day with his punt return for a touchdown, and he will continue to provide the extra points with his many special team opportunities.
Kevin Smith was quite a surprise with his 13.2 points, but with a young quarterback who throw three interceptions, it should be expected that the Lions would rely on their running back.
For the Stank, he ran into a tough week. Brandon Jacobs was limited by the Redskins defense, Chris Wells apparently will be on the bench while Hightower catches 10 passes for 121 yards, and Braylon Edwards had just 12 yards. He did catch an amazing TD pass, however, he ran out of bounds and came back in to catch it. Not so clutch.
Tony Gonzalez had a great day catching one of two Matt Ryan TDs.
The Stank lost this week, but this lineup will bounce back.
All it takes is one big tight end performance to do so.
T-Money Cashes in With Shocking Upset
134.1 | T-Money (1-0)
127.2 | Chinese Organ Thieves (0-1)
Adrian Peterson rushed for 180 yards and three TDs, and yet, the Organ Thieves still lost their home opener.
Tony Romo posted 41.7 points — which would be cool if Drew Brees didn’t exist — and RBs Thomas Jones and Frank Gore combined for 148 total yards and four TDs (39.5 points). Had he started Patrick Crayton over Chris Chambers, he would have set the new League record for points in a week.
Never mind that, though. A win’s a win and T-Money started 2008 with seven straight at the hands of Romo.
This is great, if it lasts. But Romo has this thing where November comes and his talent goes.
Last season, T-Money fell apart after winning seven straight — chiefly because Romo broke a pinky and the Cowboys turned into their late-season selves.
Last season, though, T-Money had on-and-off again RBs. With Jones and Gore, he could have found the perfect combo to complement Romo.
Chad Johnson added 9.7 points and Lance Moore was a disappointment being the only Saint aside of the linemen who didn’t catch a touchdown pass.
So what went wrong with the Organ Thieves? How did 39.8 points from Petersen go to waste?
Well, for one, Philip Rivers didn’t play much better than Thieves’ backup Jake Delhomme, and he scored negative-5.6 points.
Aside from that, he put up 110-plus points. You can’t ask for any more than that. Well, I guess you could, but still, sometimes you just run into the wrong team. Just hope you don’t have that happen every week.
That, or send a letter to Adrian Petersen and ask him to give you a little more effort.
Big Plays In Comebacks Define Toasters’ Win
106.5 | Dottsville Toasters (1-0)
92.7 | Fear and Loathing (0-1)
Take a look at the Toasters, winning in Week 1. You dog, you.
This back-and-forth battle was fun to watch.
The Toasters were leading by a small margin until Greg Jennings hauled in that 50-yard TD pass. Thanks to the two-point conversion, that was a 15-fantasy-point catch.
But, Fear and Loathing still had Randy Moss and Fred Jackson going Monday night and combined for 34.1 fantasy points. Moss finished with 141 yards, but two crisp passes to tight end Ben Watson had Fear and Loathing owner screaming — literally, I was on the phone with him during the first one.
With Fear trailing by one point, Watson snagged the game-winning TD for the Patriots. Then Moss dropped a two-point conversion that would have pushed Fear and Loathing on top by one.
However, it would not have stood as Vincent Jackson hauled in a sweep TD pass from Philip Rivers en route to an 11.6-point night.
Felix Jones, Antonio Bryant and T.J. Houshmandzadeh all let Loathing down, and bench players Jamaal Charles, Nick Folk and Brent Celek all mocked Fear as they could have provided enough points to squeak by the Toasters.
As for Dottsville, six players reached double-digits for him in Week 1. It could have been seven had he started Trent Edwards over Matt Schaub, who had a horrendous first week. Can’t say I blame him for starting who he did, but now there will definitely be a quarterback controversy.
Speaking of which, Fear might run into that too now that Vick has been activated and Donovan McNabb broke some McRibs.
He also will have to make a decision at RB when Marshaun Lynch returns to Buffalo to spell Fear starter Fred Jackson.
Both teams have some questions moving forward into Week 2, but hey, take a look at the Toasters! They’re 1-0. You dog, you!
Revenge of the Jammers, Generals Still Reign Champion
107.9 | Jimmy Jammers (1-0)
89.4 | Graybill’s Generals (0-1)
This is kind of like using the comeback, “You’re Mom!” after your friend disses you with one of the best jokes in the world. And I’m talking about a better diss than the one that impelled George Costanza to turn around and recreate the situation.
In this scenario, the diss: Graybill’s Generals and DeAngelo Williams thoroughly dismantled the Jammers’ title hopes in 2008.
In this scenario, the comeback: Jammers wins opening day 2009.
“So what,” says Agent Graybill, polishing his 2008 trophy.
As predicted, this matchup came down to Monday night and after the Patriots defense gave the Generals the lead, the Jammers bounced back with 18 from the Chargers defense and a combined 31.2 from La-Darren Tom-Sprole-son — his two-headed RB committee.
Heading into the final drive, Sproles was the key, earning 11 fantasy points while scoring the game-winning touchdown. General’s tight end Antonio Gates, who made five catches for 83 yards, was not targeted on the game-winning drive.
Tomlinson also sat out the final drive with an injured ankle and he’s now questionable for next week. (Here we go, 2008 all over again.)
The Jammers caught a huge break in Week 1, getting by with poor information from the “experts” who were reporting at noon Sunday that Anquan Boldin was inactive and Steve Breaston would start in his place. It was the second quarter when I said to the TV, “Why is Boldin out there? And where’s Breaston?”
Thanks, ESPN.
The goose egg didn’t hurt the Jammers, though, and it’s a good thing, because Santonio Holmes was on the bench with 19.1 points.
No roster change would have changed the outcome for the Generals.
Injuries piled up for the Jammers Sunday, as along with Tomlinson, Anthony Gonzalez was injured early in his game and is out for 2-6 weeks. Breaston is out and for how long, not even ESPN knows.
We’ll see what they tell me at noon next Sunday.
New Defense Record Powers Noisy Basterds
114.2 | World of Noise (1-0)
102.1 | Team Boyer (0-1)
Picture this. The Eagles defense scores zero points Week 1. Where would that put the Noisy Basterds?
With 63.2 points, that’s where.
Instead, the new defense record of 51 points was recorded as Coach Jim Johnson smiled above. Owner Craig Johnson smiled big, too. With every interception — five — and every fumble — two — and every special teams’ TD — two — and every sack — five — World of Noise was rocking in his new home in the desert.
And now he’s 13-28 as a franchise. Baby steps.
As for Team Boyer, he ran into the same thing the Jammers did — a wideout not playing after staying he would. Bernard Berrian sat out, leaving a big zero up on the scoreboard. Outside the zero, he got 29.4 from rejuvenated Tom Brady, 16.5 from surprising Devin Hester and 12.7 from Ryan Grant who is on pace for a comeback year.
Still, when the former Retarded Firetrucks put up 51 points on defense, what can you do?
With Clinton Portis and Michael Turner going up against tough defenses Week 1, you can’t expect Boyer to fall victim to a loss like this again.
And after the developments of Week 1, even though Boyer is 0-1 leaving this matchup, he leaves it in much better shape.
World of Noise is without McNabb for several weeks now and will likely put a bid in for Jeff Garcia. With Garcia, he’ll need some more points out of his key starters. Outside of McNabb, Westbrook, Akers and the Eagles defense (I should of just said, outside of the Eagles), Noise got about 17 points from five positions. Not good.
Which is ironic, because in year’s past, World of Noise’s problem was having too many Eagles. Maybe in 2009, he doesn’t have enough. I’ll give it a couple more weeks before we see Jason Avant making some Noise.
By the way, Dawson, I will pick on you all year now. You get all riled up and it's just too much fun. Had you been quiet and let me call out my own mistakes on Benson and Jones, I'd still be making fun of the League's worst franchise, World of Noise.
Noise is 1-0 after Week 1. What are you, Dawson?
Here are the recaps, starting with my pal, Dawson. He'll probably find a typo somewhere in here and spit it back at me with some sly remark. Oh, I can't wait. Actually, I can't wait until our Week 8 matchup.
Strong Brees Damages Houserville
122.8 | Sunday Slackers (1-0)
105 | Real Houserville (0-1)
I’d look through my thesaurus, but I’m confident there isn’t an adjective to describe Drew Brees’ performance.
He was unbelievable.
Yes, I know, it was against the Lions, but how many quarterbacks threw for six TDs against the hapless kitties last year?
Answer: One. Aaron Rodgers, but he did it in two games.
Brees, the keeper and franchise player for the Slackers, set the new JimmyJam League record for points by any player with 53.5, edging out Tom Brady, who had 52 points in 2007.
If it wasn’t for the record, the Slackers would be the same old Slackers — 2-10 last year. Ironically, he was the Lions of our League last year.
Outside of Brees and WR Reggie Wayne (162 yards, TD, 22.2 points), the Slackers got nothing, including a dismal 6.7 points from his No. 1 overall pick Steven Jackson.
Neil Rackers was the only other double-digit scorer.
And boy does that have to sting for Real Houserville, who proved the League Manager wrong. Here’s your feather, I’ll buy you a cap later.
Julius Jones went for 117 and a TD (21.6 points) and Cedric Benson went for 76 and a TD (16.8), but might be worth noting it was against the Rams and the Broncos, respectively, two teams that will have horrible records at the end of the season.
Peyton Manning managed 18.6 points in a slugfest with Jacksonville and when all was said and done, Houserville had 107 points — a total that would earn a win in most weeks.
Still, Houserville was let down by his keeper Steve Slaton (3.2 points) who was among several Texans who had a hellish home opener.
Like the Lions, Houserville put up point, but fortunately for Houserville, like the Lions, he doesn’t have to face Drew Brees again.
There’s an adjective for that: Happy-go-lucky.
Unsuspecting Star Anchors News Team
115 | Channel 4 News Team (1-0)
90.4 | Stanksta’s Gangstas (0-1)
No, it wasn’t Aaron Rodgers.
Matt Forte didn’t shine.
It wasn’t Terrell Owens, surprisingly.
If it wasn’t those three, who the hell led this team?
Tight end John Carlson. His 95 yards and two TDs against the junior varsity Rams was the difference in this contest.
Rodgers did score 19.7 points, thanks to his late Brett Favre-like game-winning drive against the Bears. His 50-yard touchdown pass in the waning minutes of the game was worth 12.5 points (6 for TD, 2.5 for 50 yards, 2-point bonus for the 40-plus TD, and 2 points for the 2-point conversion.
DeSean Jackson also had a huge day with his punt return for a touchdown, and he will continue to provide the extra points with his many special team opportunities.
Kevin Smith was quite a surprise with his 13.2 points, but with a young quarterback who throw three interceptions, it should be expected that the Lions would rely on their running back.
For the Stank, he ran into a tough week. Brandon Jacobs was limited by the Redskins defense, Chris Wells apparently will be on the bench while Hightower catches 10 passes for 121 yards, and Braylon Edwards had just 12 yards. He did catch an amazing TD pass, however, he ran out of bounds and came back in to catch it. Not so clutch.
Tony Gonzalez had a great day catching one of two Matt Ryan TDs.
The Stank lost this week, but this lineup will bounce back.
All it takes is one big tight end performance to do so.
T-Money Cashes in With Shocking Upset
134.1 | T-Money (1-0)
127.2 | Chinese Organ Thieves (0-1)
Adrian Peterson rushed for 180 yards and three TDs, and yet, the Organ Thieves still lost their home opener.
Tony Romo posted 41.7 points — which would be cool if Drew Brees didn’t exist — and RBs Thomas Jones and Frank Gore combined for 148 total yards and four TDs (39.5 points). Had he started Patrick Crayton over Chris Chambers, he would have set the new League record for points in a week.
Never mind that, though. A win’s a win and T-Money started 2008 with seven straight at the hands of Romo.
This is great, if it lasts. But Romo has this thing where November comes and his talent goes.
Last season, T-Money fell apart after winning seven straight — chiefly because Romo broke a pinky and the Cowboys turned into their late-season selves.
Last season, though, T-Money had on-and-off again RBs. With Jones and Gore, he could have found the perfect combo to complement Romo.
Chad Johnson added 9.7 points and Lance Moore was a disappointment being the only Saint aside of the linemen who didn’t catch a touchdown pass.
So what went wrong with the Organ Thieves? How did 39.8 points from Petersen go to waste?
Well, for one, Philip Rivers didn’t play much better than Thieves’ backup Jake Delhomme, and he scored negative-5.6 points.
Aside from that, he put up 110-plus points. You can’t ask for any more than that. Well, I guess you could, but still, sometimes you just run into the wrong team. Just hope you don’t have that happen every week.
That, or send a letter to Adrian Petersen and ask him to give you a little more effort.
Big Plays In Comebacks Define Toasters’ Win
106.5 | Dottsville Toasters (1-0)
92.7 | Fear and Loathing (0-1)
Take a look at the Toasters, winning in Week 1. You dog, you.
This back-and-forth battle was fun to watch.
The Toasters were leading by a small margin until Greg Jennings hauled in that 50-yard TD pass. Thanks to the two-point conversion, that was a 15-fantasy-point catch.
But, Fear and Loathing still had Randy Moss and Fred Jackson going Monday night and combined for 34.1 fantasy points. Moss finished with 141 yards, but two crisp passes to tight end Ben Watson had Fear and Loathing owner screaming — literally, I was on the phone with him during the first one.
With Fear trailing by one point, Watson snagged the game-winning TD for the Patriots. Then Moss dropped a two-point conversion that would have pushed Fear and Loathing on top by one.
However, it would not have stood as Vincent Jackson hauled in a sweep TD pass from Philip Rivers en route to an 11.6-point night.
Felix Jones, Antonio Bryant and T.J. Houshmandzadeh all let Loathing down, and bench players Jamaal Charles, Nick Folk and Brent Celek all mocked Fear as they could have provided enough points to squeak by the Toasters.
As for Dottsville, six players reached double-digits for him in Week 1. It could have been seven had he started Trent Edwards over Matt Schaub, who had a horrendous first week. Can’t say I blame him for starting who he did, but now there will definitely be a quarterback controversy.
Speaking of which, Fear might run into that too now that Vick has been activated and Donovan McNabb broke some McRibs.
He also will have to make a decision at RB when Marshaun Lynch returns to Buffalo to spell Fear starter Fred Jackson.
Both teams have some questions moving forward into Week 2, but hey, take a look at the Toasters! They’re 1-0. You dog, you!
Revenge of the Jammers, Generals Still Reign Champion
107.9 | Jimmy Jammers (1-0)
89.4 | Graybill’s Generals (0-1)
This is kind of like using the comeback, “You’re Mom!” after your friend disses you with one of the best jokes in the world. And I’m talking about a better diss than the one that impelled George Costanza to turn around and recreate the situation.
In this scenario, the diss: Graybill’s Generals and DeAngelo Williams thoroughly dismantled the Jammers’ title hopes in 2008.
In this scenario, the comeback: Jammers wins opening day 2009.
“So what,” says Agent Graybill, polishing his 2008 trophy.
As predicted, this matchup came down to Monday night and after the Patriots defense gave the Generals the lead, the Jammers bounced back with 18 from the Chargers defense and a combined 31.2 from La-Darren Tom-Sprole-son — his two-headed RB committee.
Heading into the final drive, Sproles was the key, earning 11 fantasy points while scoring the game-winning touchdown. General’s tight end Antonio Gates, who made five catches for 83 yards, was not targeted on the game-winning drive.
Tomlinson also sat out the final drive with an injured ankle and he’s now questionable for next week. (Here we go, 2008 all over again.)
The Jammers caught a huge break in Week 1, getting by with poor information from the “experts” who were reporting at noon Sunday that Anquan Boldin was inactive and Steve Breaston would start in his place. It was the second quarter when I said to the TV, “Why is Boldin out there? And where’s Breaston?”
Thanks, ESPN.
The goose egg didn’t hurt the Jammers, though, and it’s a good thing, because Santonio Holmes was on the bench with 19.1 points.
No roster change would have changed the outcome for the Generals.
Injuries piled up for the Jammers Sunday, as along with Tomlinson, Anthony Gonzalez was injured early in his game and is out for 2-6 weeks. Breaston is out and for how long, not even ESPN knows.
We’ll see what they tell me at noon next Sunday.
New Defense Record Powers Noisy Basterds
114.2 | World of Noise (1-0)
102.1 | Team Boyer (0-1)
Picture this. The Eagles defense scores zero points Week 1. Where would that put the Noisy Basterds?
With 63.2 points, that’s where.
Instead, the new defense record of 51 points was recorded as Coach Jim Johnson smiled above. Owner Craig Johnson smiled big, too. With every interception — five — and every fumble — two — and every special teams’ TD — two — and every sack — five — World of Noise was rocking in his new home in the desert.
And now he’s 13-28 as a franchise. Baby steps.
As for Team Boyer, he ran into the same thing the Jammers did — a wideout not playing after staying he would. Bernard Berrian sat out, leaving a big zero up on the scoreboard. Outside the zero, he got 29.4 from rejuvenated Tom Brady, 16.5 from surprising Devin Hester and 12.7 from Ryan Grant who is on pace for a comeback year.
Still, when the former Retarded Firetrucks put up 51 points on defense, what can you do?
With Clinton Portis and Michael Turner going up against tough defenses Week 1, you can’t expect Boyer to fall victim to a loss like this again.
And after the developments of Week 1, even though Boyer is 0-1 leaving this matchup, he leaves it in much better shape.
World of Noise is without McNabb for several weeks now and will likely put a bid in for Jeff Garcia. With Garcia, he’ll need some more points out of his key starters. Outside of McNabb, Westbrook, Akers and the Eagles defense (I should of just said, outside of the Eagles), Noise got about 17 points from five positions. Not good.
Which is ironic, because in year’s past, World of Noise’s problem was having too many Eagles. Maybe in 2009, he doesn’t have enough. I’ll give it a couple more weeks before we see Jason Avant making some Noise.
Comments
Have a great season all!
UJ
...not...