Complaints seem to fly no matter what I write about.
So, perhaps I should just end this recap after this
sentence?
Nah, as tempting as that is, I do not want to hear Spillane complain about his literary toilet fodder.
And besides, there were way too
many developments this past week to ignore.
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| Two more Jerks hit the DL this past week. He now has eight DL eligible players. Perhaps we’ll coin the nickname “Legion of Pain Relievers” for them. |
In the National League, your favorite Slammers took over
first place with a win over last-place Otto Parts; Vandelay fell back to second
after a tough loss to Steroid; and Philly Cheese dominated the Outs to move
into fourth place, but only 2.0 games out of first.
There, that should quench everyone's thirst for Jargon prose.
Now, back to the Jerks. He wanted us to hear about his Legion
of Relievers, and while they were impressive, I’m more taken aback by his 2.45
ERA after he went crazy on a Monday with a spot start of Yusmeiro Petit. His
eight earned runs in 4.1 innings looked to be a back-breaker to start the week.
First, why the hell are you picking up and starting Petit on
a Monday? Spot starts are supposed to be strategic or part of throwing in the
towel over the weekend.
But on a Monday?
Apparently, not only do we need to restrict the Jerks' Internet access in the offseason; we now have to keep him in the dark on
Mondays. #ThirdWorldJerks
Still, this mind-boggling mistake somehow did not hurt him. His Legion
of Relievers and a few starters gave up a combined 11 runs in the remaining 65.1 innings.
All this talk would make you think that he actually had a
sweeping win in pitching, but he only won five categories there in his 13-7-4
win over the Gamblers.
This matchup really was a few hits from going the other way
as the Jerks won runs by one, homers by three, walks by four, strikeouts by four and batting average .253 to
.250.
Parker had to be frustrated seeing this. Plus, they tied in SACs with seven apiece. The next highest total around the JLB last week was
four.
It also didn’t help the Gamblers that Ryan Braun hit the DL
and the best catcher in the world Mike Zunino went 1-for-10 with a double, RBI,
SAC and run scored.
It’s OK. I’m sure he’ll round into form soon.
You know, like the Sex Panthers’ pitching, which for the
first time all year, posted a sub-3.00 ERA. With a 2.61 ERA, 11 quality starts,
91 strikeouts and a 5-2 record, the Panthers won seven pitching categories to
post a 12-9-3 win over the Bombers.
She got another 15 shutout innings from Jeff Samardzija, but
still no win. He’s 0-3, and the Panthers are begging for the MLB trade
deadline.
Let’s wrap up the American League. Choo won in a snoozer
over Coldsmith 11-10-3. The pitching was sub-par all around and the offense was
less than average as Coldsmith won with a .264.
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| Tulo is playing out of his mind right now, but then again, who isn't on the Rockies. Take a few seconds to look at their team batting stats. It's insane. And it's not all coming at Coors Field. |
Choo actually had six players bat better-than .300, but a few
duds — Jedd Gyorko (1-for-22), Emilio Bonifacio (3-for-20), Trevor Ploufe
(0-for-12) and Alex Gordon (4-for-17) — were average killers.
Nevertheless, guys like Yasiel Puig, David Wright and Tulo
helped him salvage four batting categories in the slim win.
Steroid did a similar salvaging job on offense, picking up
three wins in triples, SACs and stolen bases to go with his 10-0-2 sweep of the
pitching categories. All in all, it led to a 13-8-3 win over Vandelay.
For Steroid, he logged a 3.24 ERA in 108.1 innings. He had
12 quality starts, 76 strikeouts, a CG SO, 5-3 and nine saves. Henderson
Alvarez had the CG SO, and both Jonathon Niese and Chris Young turned in a pair
of quality starts.
His offensive players must have been facing his pitchers, though,
batting just .199.
Vandelay, on the other hand, had a huge week, batting .320
with 37 runs, 61 singles, 12 doubles, 12 homers, 34 RBIs and 38 walks. Four
players had 10 or more hits.
For as good as the hitting was, the pitching was just as
bad. The Martin Perez train that was at one point figuratively on fire and unstoppable is now … well, literally on fire and derailed. Eleven runs in
8.2 innings last week was a big problem for Vandelay, as was Jose Fernandez’s
five runs in five innings.
To compound the issue, both of those studs left their horrible weeks with elbow issues, and Fernandez is reportedly going to get Tommy John. With left elbow inflammation,
Perez’s injury has to be scary, too.
But, if the offense can carry his team, he’ll stay in the
race.
The Cheese Steaks picked up a big 14-7-3 win over the Outs
to get back into the race. He had 11 quality starts to combat a great pitching
week from the Outs, including a pair from each of the following: Tim Hudson,
Homer Bailey and Max Scherzer. Scott Kazmir and Hisashi Iwakuma each had great
starts, too, forging a team ERA of 3.07 with 81 strikeouts and a 7-5 record.
Cheese was fortunate that he won strikeouts by one and got a
complete game in a Hudson loss.
Still, he lost a few categories due to the Outs' 2.16 ERA,
1.09 WHIP, 7-3 record and 16 walks.
The big wins for the Steaks came on offense, where he won 9-2-1.
And Steroid bragged about getting Alvarez’s CG SO, but the other guy in that
trade, Daniel Murphy, hit a pair of homers and scored six runs.
Speaking of trades working out for both parties, that brings
us to the last matchup. The Slammers sent Puig away and hasn't missed a beat on
offense. Charlie Blackmon continues to tear it up, hitting three more homers
last week. They were three of 10 homers hit by the Slammers, who won seven
batting categories to scratch out a close 10-8-6 win in over the Otto Parts.
For the week, the Slammers hit .316 with 41 runs, 59
singles, 19 doubles, 10 homers, 39 RBIs and five stolen bases. This is despite
an awful week from the worst catcher in the League, Salvador Perez, who went
10-for-27 (.370) with seven singles, two doubles, a homer, five runs scored and an
RBI. I’d be so much better off with that stud in Seattle. Wouldn't we all.
Still, it was a close battle against the Otto Parts as the Slammers used a Blackmon
homer, nine walks and a benching of pitchers to win two categories and tie
another on Sunday. It could have been worse for the Otto Parts as Pedro Alvarez
stood at the plate Sunday night in a one-run game with McCutchen on base. Had he walked,
doubled, tripled or homered, he would have won at least one more category for
the Slammers, potentially more. Instead, he singled. Oh, well.
First-place teams can’t be picky.
EXTRA BASES: Did I
mention the Sex Panthers won? … Upon a review of the stats, the Outs’ pitching
is one the best in the League with 574 strikeouts, 40-33 record, 15 saves, 17
holds, 3.05 ERA and 1.28 WHIP. The next best ERA is 3.37 and the next best
strikeout total trails by 69. … In a similar review, the Slammers offense is
top notch, 12 percentage points ahead of second place with a .287 average.
Second is at .275, for those who don’t like math. The Slammers also rank first
by at least 20 hits in both singles (298) and doubles (112), and the Slammers
are in the top four in seven other batting categories. … That’s it. It’s 12:09
a.m. I’m out.
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