The Jerk kicked a walk-off field goal Monday night while
Fear and Loathing waited anxiously knowing that just 30 more yards from Alfred
Morris would hand him his first loss.
Morris finished with just 2.9 points and the Fear improved
to 5-0, and he’s now the lone undefeated team after the Noise ran past the
Jammers, who had all sorts of problems — from dropping an RB that scored 31 to
trading for one that only scored 6 points to Matt Stafford sucking without
Megatron to Jimmy Graham getting injured.
It was like the entire team went to A.C. and spent Week 5
drunk/hungover.
Maybe it was a little too much karaoke.
Cheese Steaks, T-Money, Choo, Thieves and Boyer also all
picked up wins, and since I’m still feeling crappy after a fun weekend, it’s
time to just get to the previews. No more writing.
World of Noise 105.1,
Jimmy Jammers 79.4
KARMA: What was
the last thing I wrote in the preview? Well, of course, it was me calling my
brother stupid for drafting Stephen Gostkowski in the seventh round. Of course,
Gostkowski would score 21 points on me. What a Jerk.
MAYBE I’M STUPID: Greg
Olsen hit double digits for the third time this season, scoring a pair of TDs
and finishing with 20.4 points. My first-round pick Jimmy Graham, who has only
two double-digit weeks after scoring just 4 points. In all likelihood, he would
have hit double-digits if he didn’t leave early with an injury, but he didn’t,
so at this point, Olsen has been better.
UNDER MY NOSE: Well,
if Branden Oliver turns into a good back, I’ll really kick myself. I had him
and dropped him to make room for Mr. Matt Asiata. Oliver went for 31 points on
Sunday against a Jets team that was pretty dominant against the run in prior
games. The 31 points wouldn’t have mattered in this matchup — it just would
have made the 21 points from Gostkowski more painful.
Fear and Loathing 83.1,
Sunday Slackers 80.8
POROUS MORRIS: The
Seattle Seahawks had no trouble rounding up Alfred Morris, and Fear is grateful
for that. With only 2.9 points from Morris, Fear and Loathing survived by 2.3
points.
FEAR THE THREE:
Andrew Luck, DeMarco Murray and Le’Veon Bell all came to the party again. The
only reason that Fear was in jeopardy of losing was that they were the only
ones at the party. Luck scored 26.7, a season low, while Murray (19.4) and Bell
(12.8) each hit double-digits.
BEST BACK IN THE
WORLD: Branden Oliver is the next Darren Sproles. You heard it. Parker will
start him next week and every week.
Jerkin’ My Kirk
Herbstreit 85.5, Real Houserville 82.9
JUST GET THE FIRST
DOWN: That’s what Houserville was thinking as the Seahawks drove down the
field. They didn’t need the field goal, but leading by seven and with time left
on the clock if they didn’t get the first down, they’d kick it. Common sense
says that the Seahawks would run the ball to keep the clock going, but Russell
Wilson dropped back to pass. He was sacked and Steven Hauschka came out to kick
the potential game-winning field goal for the Jerk, who trailed by1.4 points.
Hauschka lined up, the kick was up and wide-right. But wait. Timeout. Not by the
Sadskins either. Seattle called it. So they lined up again, the kick was up and
solid. Houserville moves to 2-3.
MATTMAN BEGINS:
It took a few weeks of struggles, but it finally looks like Matt Forte is
getting going. With 18.1 points in Week 4 and now 24 in Week 5, he’s played a
pivotal role in the Jerk’s two straight wins.
BENCH WOES: If we
were counting bench points, Houserville would have earned 98 extra points; Jerk
would have had 19.8. Houserville traded for a tight end despite having one that
has now hit double-digits in three of four games. His new guy has scored TDs in
three straight games, but his 7.9 points were a bummer considering the fact
that Dwayne Allen’s 12.7 would have won him the matchup. DeSean Jackson, who
had 24.7 points, would have more than covered the margin of defeat, but
Houserville benched the WR after his one catch for nine yards last week. But
that’s the life of WRs. You can bench them when they don’t perform, but
explosive guys like Jackson only need a few big plays. Expect D-Jax to be in
the lineup from here on out.
Team Boyer 113.6,
Chalupa Batman 99.6
HELLO, MR. BRADY:
Finally, Team Boyer was rewarded for his patience. Brady scored 27.8 points,
making Philip Rivers’ 31.3 not as big as a blow as it would have been had Brady
put up another 16 points. He threw for a pair of TDs — the first time he did
that all year — and a season-high 292 yards. Now that he’s on track, he should
love his Week 6 matchup against Buffalo.
FLOODGATES SLOW DOWN
RIVERS: Antonio Gates caught two of Rivers’ three touchdown passes on
Sunday, scoring 18.8 points and softening the blow of Rivers’ output. And with
Chalupa only getting 1.3 points from Austin Seferian-Jenkins, Boyer took the TE
position by a large margin.
KICKERS?: What
the heck, kickers. Twenty points from Phil Dawson? That’s what Boyer got, so if
you’re keeping track, that’s two kickers who scored more than 20 points this
week. If you can get 20 from your kicker, you’re in good shape.
T-Money 77.3, Channel
4 News Team 74.4
BACK PAIN: When
the guys who you most rely on for double-digits both don’t get there, you know
you’re in trouble. Jamaal Charles and Giovani Bernard each had down weeks,
scoring a combined 16.2 points. All Sunday night, all News Team needed was
another 30 yards from Bernard, but as soon as the rout was in full swing, he
was pretty much out of the game. It wasn’t worth the injury risk. News Team
would certainly disagree.
ROMO IN THE CLUTCH:
Tony Romo is heating up. He hit 29 points, taking the Cowboys into overtime
against the Texans and tossing the long pass to Dez Bryant to set up the
winning FG. With 33.9 points last week and three straight weeks of at least two
TD passes, Romo is starting to lift T-Money’s spirits — as well as his record.
QB CITY: Could we
see Austin Davis next week for the News Team? I mean, at this point, why not.
Davis has put up more than 33 points in back-to-back weeks and it has to be
tempting for the News Team. If he does go with him, it will be the sixth QB in
five weeks.
Philly Cheese Steaks
116.7, Graybill’s Generals 79.9
AND IT GETS WORSE:
The Generals has to be going crazy. I know I would be. I was hoping I would
somehow get LeSean McCoy in the draft, but I have to be happy I didn’t. Well,
maybe that’s not so true. I could use him. But the Generals could use him, too,
and by “him,” I mean the real him. Not this guy who has scored a combined 12.3
points in the last three weeks. Now, at 0-5, it’s must-win time. He has to
virtually win out to get into the playoffs, or at the very least go 7-1 the
rest of the way.
THAT’S MORE LIKE IT:
A combined 58.8 points from Arian Foster and Andre Ellington is exactly what
the Cheese Steaks thought he would get on occasion from his pair of RBs.
Obviously, he doesn’t expect both to score 29 points every week, but they
should be hitting double-digits. But after a few sub-par weeks, this was
certainly refreshing for the Steaks.
TERRANCE TIME:
Cowboys WR Terrance Williams scored his fifth TD of the season, hitting
double-digits for the third time — and he missed a fourth time by 0.4 points in
Week 3. With Cordarrelle Patterson and Brandin Cooks not cutting it, Williams
may need to get the start in future weeks.
Choo Big TeeDees 96.9,
Shark Attack 83.9
THE OTHER THOMAS:
Demaryius Thomas has really taken a back seat over the first couple weeks of
the season, but on Sunday, he shined, catching eight passes for 226 yards and
two TDs. His 39.2 points completely turned this matchup around because outside
of 15.9 points from Khiry Robinson, the TeeDees didn’t get much production.
SANKEY PANKEY:
Bishop Sankey killed the Attack this week. He scored double digits for the
first time in his career in Week 4, giving the Attack hope for Week 5. But with
2.7 points, he frustrated the Attack. Justin Forsett had 17.1 points on the
bench and probably should have gotten the start, but that wouldn’t have
mattered. Choo still would have won by a few points.
ALL ABOUT THE
BENJAMIN: Remember a few weeks ago when I admitted that I screwed up and
grabbed Travis Benjamin of the Browns thinking he was Kelvin Benjamin? Well,
this week, you might have confused them both, too. Kelvin had just 3.4 points,
while Travis caught a pair of TDs for 18.6 points. That’s the output Jawz was
looking for.
Chinese Organ Thieves
118.7, Dottsville Toasters 81.6
BRONCO POWER:
Peyton Manning threw for his 500th touchdown early in the game and then he
added three more to post 48.3 points on Sunday. The Thieves got 12.3 from
Emmanuel Sanders and 19.8 from Julius Thomas, and that was nearly enough to
beat the Toasters by themselves.
NICE TRY, WILSON: Russell
Wilson tried his best to bring the Toasters back, but the deficit was too much.
He scored 40.2 points thanks to 122 yards rushing and 201 yards passing and three
total TDs. It was nearly half the Toasters’ entire output because the rest of
his team fell on their backside Sunday.
QUICK HIT: The
most underrated WR in the JFL may be Brian Quick. With 21.7 points last week,
he now ranks 15th in in the JFL. He has three double-digit performances and he
continues to get several targets in every game for the Rams. If this continues,
the Thieves have himself a weapon that can go a long way with his Bronco trio.
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