Dear Mr. Jim Johnson:
My name is Jimmy Johnson and I’m 29 years old. I have a
request and it’s an odd one. I’m sure ball players are accustomed to getting
letters that ask for autographed baseballs and other memorabilia like signed jerseys, but that’s
not what I need.
What I need is for you to be great.
I’m talking All-Star great.
And I’m talking perennial All-Star great.
You have to do this to save us Jimmy Johnsons in America who
constantly deal with the daily quips about our name.
We’re tired of being the former coach of the Dallas Cowboys.
We’re tired of being a five-time NASCAR Champion.
We want something new, something fresh and something that
doesn’t involve a car.
For so long I have been burdened with the “jokes” about the
Dallas Cowboys’ coach and now the five-time NASCAR champion.
“Wait. Your name is really Jimmy Johnson?”
"Didn't you use to coach football?"
"Didn't you use to coach football?"
“How was the race?”
“I’m sure you get this all the time; are you related to the
NASCAR driver?”
First of all, if you have to start a statement with, “I’m
sure you get this all the time…” just move onto a new subject.
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| "Why should I change my name? He's the one who sucks." |
And if you don't understand what we Jimmy Johnsons go through, watch the movie Office Space and see what Michael Bolton goes through.
For my money, I don't know if it gets any better than when he sings, "When a Man Loves a Woman?"
Bolton's reactions show you what we go through. Bolton goes as far to say in the movie that he shouldn't have to change his name because of the "real" Michael Bolton.
And that's how I feel about my name, but people just don't know when to give up.
I actually went to an interview at a newspaper and met the
sports editor in the lobby. He made the typical Jimmy Johnson joke in the
elevator on the way up to the editorial department’s floor.
As we got off the elevator and entered the managing editor’s
office, he also used the cliché line, “Jimmy Johnson, I’m sure people say something
about that name all the time.”
I responded, “Yeah, back on the elevator 10 seconds ago.”
This is what is like to be named Jimmy Johnson, as I’m sure
you know, Mr. Jim Johnson. We’re basically the same age, so I’m sure you’ve dealt with all the Cowboys jokes through junior high and high school.
And I’m sure you know there’s so many of us, and for every
Jimmy Johnson out there who isn’t famous, like myself, we all deal with the
funny looks daily.
Still, this is my life and I’m use to it. I brush it off and
typically make a wise crack, “Yeah, I drive really fast.”
But it’s hard to joke like that because I dislike NASCAR, especially since Jimmie Johnson decided it
was cool to use I-E at the end of his name.
As a result, everyone has forgotten how the majority of real
Jimmy Johnson’s spell their name. I’m constantly getting emails, birthday cards, etc.
with the spelling “Jimmie.”
I’ll even send emails that (1) have my name in the email
address and/or (2) have my name in the tagline, yet I still get a return
email that starts with, “Jimmie.”
This is why I need you, Mr. Jim Johnson, to keep pitching like an All-Star. I
need you to become a dominate closer who people will talk about for years,
perhaps decades. I want people to spell my name right again.
I want my name to
be associated with a team that I actually like and a sport where four lefts
mean a run and not a lap.
So, I plead you, Mr. Jim Johnson. Ride this wave of Orioles Magic
to a career no one will ever forget.
Sincerely,
Jimmy Johnson
P.S. Can you send me a signed Jim Johnson jersey?
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