And no offense to Fear and Loathing and Noise, but I hope you guys lose this week, so I can write about the matchup that I’m sure we all circled on our calendars — undefeated 4-0 Houserville vs. undefeated 4-0 Dottsville.
“Battle de Ville,” we’ll call it.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.
I’m sure Fear and Noise both plan on spoiling this, but with the way the Villes are playing, it’s going to be a tall order to stop one of them.
In fact, the Villes’ success have caused such a stir, that ESPN’s Adam Schefter is reporting that upper management in the Noise organization is discussing a name change to the “Vilified Verld of Very-Noisy Villains.” … I think it’s German.
The Verld of Noisy Villains plan to release this statement: “Voila! In view humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the ‘vox populi’ now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin, van guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it’s my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.”
Not sure if they’re trying to take over the world … excuse me, verld … or if they’re crazy V for Vendetta fans.
Either way, there’s no hiding behind a mask for the Noise. He’s 0-3 and staring at a ratings level that is lower than High Chancellor Adam Sutler’s.
Revolution is near in Noiseville.
So perhaps it’s time to kidnap Natalie Portman, lock her in a cage, and pass her secret letters that ask advice on who to pick up/drop from the waiver wire, who to start, and why she put up with Jar Jar Binks.
It can’t be worse — well, other than the felony kidnapping charge — than the Noise’s current strategy, whatever the hell that is.
Vilified Verld of Very-Noisy Villains (0-3) at Dottsville Toasters (3-0)
Series History: Toasters lead 4-3.
Last Meeting: Toasters won 109.6-94.1
Of course this is where we have to start with the Week 4 previews.
The Toasters, after talking with the front office executives, have made a decision that the Tennessee Titans should make.
Bench Chris Johnson. He’s had 33 carries for 45 yards in three weeks. He’s scored 12.6 fantasy points all season. He had more points in the first half of the first game of the 2010 season. Honestly, he did. Look it up.
Now, he continues be ineffective after signing that lucrative contract.
It’s why I like what the Jaguars did. They held strong. They didn’t give in. Yes, Maurice Jones-Drew deserves more money, but when they ask for the world, I mean, verld, what are you supposed to do?
We see this too many times. The team caves to the outrageous demands, and the player underperforms because their pockets are fat.
Well, the Toasters have had enough.
After all, 2012 is the year of change in Dottsville.
New road signs, a new state-of-the-art town hall, and, of course, a new subway station that connects with the RG3 Line.
Dottsville is looking pretty.
RG3 goes up against the Bucs this weekend, and although the Bucs defense seems to be a bit stronger, I think the running attack of the Skins is going to be too much for Tampa to handle. Griffin will hit 30 fantasy points for a fourth straight week to remain the No. 1 QB in the JFL and the No. 1 man in the Toasters heart.
Eric Decker gets the start at WR after a big game last week, as do Calvin Johnson and Dwayne Bowe.
Bowe is questionable, so don’t be surprised to see Danny Amendola get a late start here. He’s the No. 6 WR in fantasy football with 20 catches for 296 yards and a TD.
He’s a sure-fire start in most weeks; however, the Seahawks defense has been one of the best, which makes it a bit of a risk.
But Bradford is looking for him on nearly every dropback, and that means he’ll play a key roll in the Toasters 2012 season.
Even without Amendola, the Toasters should be fine.
Matt Ryan will score 30 points, too, but that’s it. Michael Turner, as predicted in my season preview, isn’t getting the carries, averaging 14 per week, so he’s stuck scoring low double-digits, if that. Robert Meachem is a cool sleeper name from 2009. Marques Colston was a cool fantasy gem in 2009. And DeSean Jackson seems to only be able to run fly patterns, and now that defenses know this, the safety is playing deep enough to keep him from busting the big play.
I do like BenJarvus Green-Ellis and Owen Daniels to hit double-digits, but they won’t have the 30-point days that the Noise needs to upset the Toasters.
Jammers’ Prediction: Toasters 137, Noise 94.5
Fear and Loathing (2-1) at Real Houserville (3-0)
Series History: Ville leads 5-4.
Last Meeting: Houserville won 159.7-98.2
It won’t be the same cakewalk to 4-0 for Houserville.
He actually plays a fantasy football team that has fantasy football players on its roster.
And this team also has some motivation.
The last time these two teams met, it was Week 13 of the 2011 season with the division title and a trip to the playoffs on the line.
The Ville laid down the lumber in a 159.7-98.2 win, crushing the Fear’s playoff hopes. Fear was in control of the division for a while, but fell apart.
At 2-1, he looks to dash the Ville’s undefeated season hopes and make this a race to the finish in the AFC North.
To do that, he’ll need a few things to go his way this week, because on paper, the matchup doesn’t look good.
I don’t like Michael Vick this week in terms of helping the Eagles beat the Giants, but fantasy-wise, he should be good for 25 to 30 points, just because he’ll run for about 50 yards and score a few TDs.
I also like DeAngelo Williams to get to double-digits because it’s about time for one of his big runs. Atlanta has been susceptible to the run this year, and I think he’ll break one early. If it’s not early, he’ll have to do it on a screen pass, because I have a feeling that Matt Ryan will make the Panthers play catch-up all day.
That aspect may have played in the decision for the Ville to start Joe Flacco this week over Cam Newton, and so far, it has paid off. He’s got 28.9 points from the QB heading into Sunday.
This matchup will be won at the WR position as I expect Houserville to reel in a ton of points from Demaryius Thomas, Andre Johnson and Percy Harvin. All have favorable matchups and there’s a chance for some high teens, low-20s scores for all three.
Jammers’ Prediction: Houserville 145, Fear 115
Sunday Slackers (2-1) at Jawz Attack (2-1)
Series History: Tied at 2-2.
Last Meeting: Slackers won 152.3-133.8.
It’s unfortunate that the Jawz Attack gets hit with the Steelers bye this week.
With a big matchup against the Slackers, he has to go without his No.1 quarterback who scored more than 40 points last week.
But Josh Freeman is going up against a defense that has allowed three passing touchdowns in each of the first three weeks of the NFL season.
Freeman certainly has struggled, so who’s to say that he’ll be able to do the same thing, but at least he has a good matchup.
As long as he get 20 points for the Attack, he’ll at least have a shot — especially because Brees is in a position where he could struggle against the Packers.
At 0-3, the Saints are in a must-win situation, and he may try to pressure some throws. That will work out nicely for Jawz who has the Packers defense.
At the same token, each of the Packers offensive players in this matchup should prosper because of how bad the Saints defense has been. They’ve given up 100-yard rushers each week, including 271 last week. That includes five rushing touchdowns allowed for the 32nd-ranked defense.
That means Parker is sitting pretty with Cedric Benson.
And that’s good, considering Ray Rice was only good for 11.2 points on Thursday night — I say only because the Slackers expect much more.
Torrey Smith had a much better night, scoring 16.9 points.
Still with the 28.1 points coming out of Thursday night, I think this creates a situation where the two will be in a battle that will be decided on Monday night when the Slackers’ Bears defense takes the field.
It’s tough to pick out anything in particular with this matchup, other than the fact that the Saints-Packers game will be a huge deciding factor, as I’ve discussed.
And because I like Wes Welker, Maurice Jones-Drew and Larry Fitzgerald to have big days, I’ll go with the Attack by a few points in a matchup that could sway the Slackers’ way if the Bears defense/special teams scores a TD.
Jammers’ Prediction: Attack 121, Slackers 119
Jimmy Jammers (1-2) at Channel 4 News Team (1-2)
Series History: News Team leads 4-3.
Last Meeting: Jammers won 157.1-105.6
The two most successful franchises in the JFL enter Week 4 with losing records, and one is in danger of falling to 1-3.
The other can get to .500 and start working their way back into the playoff battle.
For the Jammers, it’s about getting his QB situation squared away. Stafford has been nothing like the 5,000-yard passer he was last season, ranked just No. 21 in fantasy football.
The News Team knows the feeling.
Aaron Rodgers has struggled, too, earning an even worse fantasy ranking at No. 23. He has thrown only three TDs all season, and his season-high point total of 22.7 came last week.
Now knowing this, it’s easy to see why both teams are 1-2.
When they have won, it has been because of their running backs.
For the Jammers, Darren Sproles has led the way with double-digits three weeks in a row. Last week, he finally got to carry the ball, taking seven hand-offs for 62 yards.
Sproles is a member of the Jammers because Jamaal Charles was snagged by the News Team, and that selection helped him get into the win column last week, as Charles ran for 233 yards and a TD for 39 fantasy points.
Charles faces a tougher defense this week, but he should still get to double-digits. As should Arian Foster against the 29th-ranked defense against the run, the Titans.
Add in the fact that Rodgers is playing against a weak Saints defense that really needs a bounty program to make tackles, and the News Team’s trifecta should lead him to a big win over the Jammers.
All the Jammers can really hope for is a huge day out of Stafford and for Ryan Mathews to come through in his 2012 Jammers debut (he was benched last week during his 2012 Chargers debut).
Jammers’ Prediction: News Team 155, Jammers 125
T-Money (1-2) at Team Boyer (0-3)
Series History: Boyer leads 8-4.
Last Meeting: Boyer won 132.1-99.
Ask me four weeks ago and I’d tell you that the Week 4 matchup between Team Boyer and T-Money will be huge.
That said, I would have never guessed it would be for the chance to climb back into a race that the Toasters are currently running away with.
With a two-game lead on T-Money and a three-game lead on Boyer, both cannot afford a loss here.
To go down 0-2 in a divisional race to start the season will make it tough to climb back in because you’ll not likely own the tie-breaker, which means when you trail by three games, you actually trail by four.
That’s why these two owners better log onto their rosters Sunday morning an make some changes, because they’re going to be getting zeros in some positions if they don’t.
Team Boyer will miss the services of Hakeem Nicks and Nate Kaeding this week, while T-Money has Reggie Wayne on the bye week.
WR Greg Little played Thursday for T-Money and only scored 8.3 points, so he’s behind right now, and it’s not looking good.
For T-Money, it could come down to Tony Romo on Monday night, at which point Team Boyer has Dez Bryant to equalize and take away some points, so if Boyer leads by 15 heading into Monday, he’s in pretty good shape to win it, in my opinion.
Getting him that 15-point lead will be Tom Brady, Vincent Jackson and Marshawn Lynch.
I like Brady to come out blazing after losing a second straight game, while Marshawn Lynch should make St. Louis fans completely understand what beast mode is.
Jammers’ Prediction: Team Boyer 110, T-Money 98
Graybill’s Generals (1-2) at Chinese Organ Thieves (2-1)
Series History: Thieves lead 7-4.
Last Meeting: Thieves won 95.6-86.4
For the Generals, Thursday was a great night. His favorite team, the Ravens, rolled to a 23-16 win over their rivals, the Browns, and moved to 3-1 on the season.
Everything worked out great, except that his fantasy tight end Dennis Pitta put up a big zero, while his division rival had the Browns Trent Richardson tally more than 100 all-purpose yards and a touchdown for 17.2 fantasy points.
Now, the Thieves have a decent lead in the Manning Bowl.
That’s right, it’s Eli vs. Peyton this week.
The Generals will roll with Eli against the Eagles, and I think that will work out fine for 25 points. Manning should get a TD pass or two, and the yards will certainly be there.
But, the week will belong to Peyton. He’s going up against the 26th-ranked pass defense, Oakland, at home. I like Peyton to torch the Raiders and give the Broncos a much-needed win.
The same should happen for the Thieves.
I think the Generals have a few too many questionable players who will struggle to hit double-digits, while I can easily pencil in double-digits for Adrian Peterson, Andre Brown, Rob Gronkowski and Malcolm Floyd.
Jammers’ Prediction: Thieves 133, Boyer 108
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