We need to talk.
After some last-second trading, the keepers are in. The offseason was a bit interesting with some big trades happening in December, followed by a few months of rumors before a few more big deals went down.
Of course, Big League Choo was involved in several deals. Why wouldn’t he be?
And that is why I’ve gathered you all here today.
We need to have an intervention with Choo and his strange trading addiction.
In 2011, Choo acquired Paul Konerko, Robinson Cano, Mike Moustakas, Brett Gardner, Shin-Soo Choo, Adrian Gonzalez, Mike Trout and Tim Stauffer via trades.
In 2012, he acquired Mark Teixeira, Hanley Ramirez, Troy Tulowitzki, Felix Hernandez, Shelby Miller, Zack Wheeler, David Ortiz, Andre Ethier, Jaime Garcia and Adam Eaton via trades.
Now, so far in 2013, he’s already acquired Konerko, Matt Cain and Johnny Cueto in trades.
That’s right, in less than three years, he’s traded for Konerko twice.
He should really call himself the Choo Choo Train. Players hop on board, but they’re on until the next stop.
So, where does he stand now?
After all those trades, he heads into the 2013 season with a group of senior citizens who are a few days away from acquiring their AARP cards.
OK, that is a bit extreme, but not far off.
His seven bats are aged 37, 31, 31, 30, 30, 29 and 28. The youngest is Tulowitzki, whose injuries probably make him as much of a risk as a 35-year-old. Ramirez is 29 and looks to be good to go for a while, as does 30-year-old Robinson Cano. But Mike Napoli, Josh Hamilton, and Konerko are all question marks.
Altogether, they drive his team’s average age to 27.05, a total of 460 years old. So much for all that bragging about being a young team.
In comparison, the World Champion Slammers, average age is 25.88. His arch-rival, the Gamblers, averages 26.59 years old with just three players older than 30. The National League division winners are in better shape, too. The Outs’ average age is 26 on the mark and the Otto Parts are at 26.7.
Choo will counter this by saying he has the “greatest” offensive threat in the minor leagues, Oscar Taveras, and the “best” pitching prospect, Zack Wheeler, but we all know that is according to BaseballChooSpectus.com.
He may be right. That is the great thing about baseball prospects.
But man, if any of his old men find themselves in the nursing home for any length of time this season, he’s going to need some help.
I guess that’s where his trade addiction will come in handy.
OK, now that I’ve made enough fun of Choo and caused him to open up MS Paint to create another “great” JPEG, it’s time to look at everyone’s teams.
You may have noticed the Baseball-Reference.com links. Pretty cool, huh? There’s an auto-linking application, but you’ll also notice, it doesn’t work all the time. You’ll see Choo’s whole starting lineup is not linked below. It’s not because I think they’re old. It’s because Baseball-Reference’s auto-linker hates them, too. That or, it’s because they were already linked in paragraphs above. I'm sure it’s one of those two reasons.
National League East
You’re Freaking Out
2012 Record: 244-177-59
| Batters C: Wilin Rosario, 2B: Neil Walker, PIT SS: Asdrubal Cabrera, CLE 3B: Adrian Beltre, TEX LF: Matt Holliday, STL LF: Josh Willingham, MIN CF: B.J. Upton, ATL | Pitchers SP: Mat Latos, CIN SP: Madison Bumgarner, SF SP: Jordan Zimmermann, WAS RP: Jim Johnson, BAL | Prospects CF: Bryce Harper, WAS (0.159) 1B: Freddie Freeman, ATL (2.033) SP: Matt Moore, TB (1.017) 2B: Jurickson Profar, TEX (0.033) RP: Greg Holland, KC (2.028) SS: Xander Bogaerts, BOS (0.000) |
The Outs made the move to bring in Madison Bumgarner to bolster his rotation and it was a great trade. I like Mat Latos and Jordan Zimmermann this season. I expect both of their teams to win their divisions, and I think they will both play critical roles for the Outs, who is looking to win his third straight division title.
Matt Moore will need to step up, too. With James Shields gone in Tampa, he slides into the No. 3 slot, and the Outs will hope he'll pitch more like the No. 1 many MLB analysts project him to be.
Offensively, the Outs are sound with plenty of youth in the majors and coming up. Obviously, we're all aware of Bryce Harper, so if he can add Jurickson Profar and Xander Bogaerts at some point this season, he could be looking at one of the best infields in the JLB. If they can come up and work with the big bats he already has, like Matt Holliday, he'll be in good shape.
JimmyJam Slammers
2012 Record: 221-187-72
| Batters 1B: Brandon Belt, SF 2B: Jose Altuve, HOU 3B: Michael Young, PHI 3B: Pablo Sandoval, SF LF: Domonic Brown, PHI CF: Andrew McCutchen, PIT DH: Billy Butler, KC | Pitchers SP: David Price, TB SP: Cliff Lee, PHI SP: James Shields, KC RP: Kris Medlen, ATL | Prospects/Minor Leaguers C: Salvador Perez, KC (1.050) 1B: Eric Hosmer, KC (1.146) CF: Billy Hamilton, CIN (0.000) SP: Jeremy Hellickson, TB (2.045) SP: Jarrod Parker, OAK (1.000) SP: Dylan Bundy, BAL (0.015) |
The Slammers' rotation is set with David Price, Cliff Lee, James Shields, Kris Medlen, Jeremy Hellickson and Jarrod Parker already on the roster. The Slammers' World Series run in 2013 had many key contributors, but one that stands out is Kris Medlen, who started in 12 games, going 10-1 with a 1.57 ERA. He, however, counts as a reliever because he made 50 appearances total, including 38 out of the bullpen, so the Slammers luck out heading into 2013. He'll also look to get some added help in the summer when the Orioles inevitably bring up Dylan Bundy, who the Slammers acquired last season when he traded Cole Hamels.
Offensively, the Slammers let go Hunter Pence, another key piece in that Hamels deal, in order to keep a pair of third basemen — Pablo Sandoval and Michael Young. A pair of first basemen also return, as the Slammers will hope for a bounce-back season from Eric Hosmer and a breakout year by Brandon Belt, who has shown moments of greatness. He's also had moments of, well, not-so-greatness. A similar hope is being held out for Domonic Brown, who has had a great spring. If it doesn't turn into a great 2013, the Slammers will be regretting his keeper decision for a while.
Vandelay Industries
2012 Record: 221-194-65
| Batters C: Buster Posey, SF 1B/DH: Carlos Santana, CLE SS: Starlin Castro, CHC 3B: Ryan Zimmerman, WAS CF: Matt Kemp, LAD RF: Jason Heyward, ATL RF: Giancarlo Stanton, MIA | Pitchers SP: Roy Halladay, PHI SP: Yovani Gallardo, MIL SP: Adam Wainwright, STL RP: Jason Grilli, PIT | Prospects 2B: Jason Kipnis, CLE (1.069) 2B: Dustin Ackley, SEA (1.105) SP: Matt Harvey, NYM (0.072) SP: Wade Miley, ARI (1.044) SP: Chris Sale, CWS (2.061) SP: Gerrit Cole, PIT (0.000) |
This could be it. For the last two seasons, the Industries have had to deal with the fact that he's in the NL East. He hasn't had a losing season, but he's missed out on the playoffs both years because he finished third.
But that could end this year. The key will be pitching. That, and perhaps one or two of his prospects will pick him up during the summer and carry him to the playoffs. His main keepers Roy Halladay, Yovani Gallardo and Adam Wainwright all have the capability to get him there, but injury questions surround Halladay, and Wainwright is still only a year removed from returning to the mound after Tommy John surgery.
That's why he could enjoy the help from Matt Harvey or Gerrit Cole. It's possible one or both could be called up to their respective clubs.
If not, he'll certainly be able to count on Wade Miley and Chris Sale, who both had strong campaigns last season.
Offensively, the Industries shouldn't have a problem. He has an All-Star lineup that Team USA would be jealous of. Buster Posey, Carlos Santana, Starlin Castro, Ryan Zimmerman, Matt Kemp, Jason Heyward and Giancarlo Stanton are all among the best in the game at their positions — and we all should envy his lineup.
National League West
Chief Otto Parts
2012 Record: 237-178-65
| Batters C: Matt Wieters, BAL 1B: Adrian Gonzalez, LAD 1B: Allen Craig, STL 3B: Miguel Cabrera, DET LF: Michael Morse, SEA SS: Elvis Andrus, TEX DH: Edwin Encarnacion, TOR | Pitchers SP: Justin Verlander, DET SP: Ian Kennedy, ARI SP: Cole Hamels, PHI RP: Jonathan Papelbon, PHI | Prospects SP: Brandon Beachy, ATL (2.014) 3B: Brett Lawrie, TOR (1.055) LF: Yoenis Cespedes, OAK (1.000) SP: Jameson Taillon, PIT (0.000) CF: Mike Trout, LAA (1.070) 3B: Manny Machado, BAL (0.056) |
When you have the two players who battled down to the wire for the AL MVP, and it could be a toss-up for who should have won, you're in great shape.
When you also have legitimate candidates for the AL and NL Cy Young, you're thinking World Series or bust.
With Miguel Cabrera, Mike Trout, Cole Hamels and Justin Verlander, it's up to the Otto Parts to just fill in the gaps. He'll hope for a bounce-back year from Adrian Gonzalez, while look for Brandon Beachy to come back strong after he completely recovers from Tommy John surgery. A full year of Manny Machado, as well as a potential call-up of Jameson Taillon could spell another NL West title for the Otto Parts.
Team Suck
2012 Record: 205-204-71
| Batters C: Carlos Ruiz, PHI 1B: Prince Fielder, DET 2B: Rickie Weeks, MIL SS: Jimmy Rollins, PHI 3B: Chase Headley, SD CF: Dexter Fowler, COL CF: Alejandro De Aza, CWS | Pitchers SP: Zack Greinke, LAD SP: Max Scherzer, DET RP: Joel Hanrahan, BOS RP: Rafael Soriano, WAS | Prospects 1B: Mike Olt, TEX (0.063) RP: Tom Wihelmsen, SEA (1.106) RP: Vinnie Pestano, CLE (2.011) SP: Dan Straily, OAK (0.062) SP: Mike Minor, ATL (1.138) RF: Norichika Aoki, MIL (1.000) |
Team Suck sent a pair of top pitchers away to strengthen his lineup. And while you may think that trading both Matt Cain and Johnny Cueto is a bad idea, it could work out well for Team Suck. He still has Zack Greinke and he got Max Scherzer in return for Cueto. In the Cueto trade, he loses three wins, but gains more than 60 strikeouts, as Scherzer's 231 punch-outs last year were second behind Justin Verlander's League-leading total.
He's hoping for some strong returns from Mike Minor and Dan Straily, which is questionable, but still possible. He'll have the strongest bullpen out of the gates with Joel Hanrahan, Rafael Soriano, Tom Wilhelmsen and Vinnie Pestano already on the roster. He'll certainly be looking for starting pitching with his first couple draft picks.
Offensively, he'll have to wait 25 games for Carlos Ruiz to come off his suspension, and then, at that point, he'll have to hope for the All-Star season that Ruiz had last year. Prince Fielder, Chase Headley and Alejandro De Aza also will be relied upon heavily to carry this lineup.
Steroid.ERA
2012 Record: 137-267-76
| Batters C: Yadier Molina, STL 1B: Ryan Howard, PHI 2B: Chase Utley, PHI SS: Erick Aybar, LAA 3B: David Wright, NYM RF: Carlos Beltran, STL RF: Torii Hunter, DET | Pitchers SP: Jon Lester, BOS SP: Tim Lincecum, SF SP: Matt Garza, CHC RP: John Axford, MIL | Prospects SP: Joe Kelly, STL (0.116) CF: Kirk Nieuwenhuis, NYM (0.115) X: Not filled. X: Not filled. X: Not filled. X: Not filled. |
It's not easy coming in and taking over a franchise that has been mismanaged. Both Jerkin and Coldsmith know this as they are trying to build up their newer franchises.
Brian, who I will refer to as Butter, the nickname I've always know him by (plus I can't say Brian because we already have a Brian) has some work to do.
He got started by picking up Jon Lester in a trade to accompany Tim Lincecum and Matt Garza in the rotation. If I had room on my roster for such a move, I thought about trying to get Lincecum because I think he's going to have a very good year. I'm not willing to call it Cy Young worthy, but I do think he'll be among the top 20 fantasy starters. Garza is questionable because of the injury, but if he's healthy, there's no doubt that the newest franchise, Steroid.ERA, will be off to a good start.
He's got a good offensive group, one that will certainly keep him in contention.
Steroid's problem will be depth, but he can address that in the draft with some smart picks, followed by four good waiver wire moves after the draft.
Because the prior owner didn't take care of the minor league system, Steroid enters 2013 with just two minor leaguers, so he'll have four "duds" in his lineup entering the draft. Replacing them with the best of what's left after the draft will be key.
It won't necessarily have to be done immediately after the draft, as we often see several great prospects picked up mid-summer, but the key going forward would be to make sure he has six good players to carry over to 2014.
Having the No. 1 overall pick helps, too. Might I suggest A-Rod? I think he could be the perfect mascot for Steroid.ERA.
American League East
Nu Joisie Bombers
2012 Record: 210-193-77
| Batters 1B: Adam LaRoche, WAS 2B: Ian Kinsler, TEX 3B: Evan Longoria, TB SS: Jose Reyes, TOR CF: Jacoby Ellsbury, BOS CF: Michael Bourn, CLE RF: Jay Bruce, CIN | Pitchers SP: Jered Weaver, LAA SP: Anibal Sanchez, DET SP: R.A. Dickey, TOR RP: Craig Kimbrel, ATL | Prospects C: Travis d’Arnaud, NYM (0.000) LF: Starling Marte, PIT (0.070) SP: Trevor Bauer, CLE (0.021) SP: Aroldis Chapman, CIN (2.034) 3B: Will Middlebrooks, BOS (0.155) 1B: Paul Goldschmidt, ARI (1.059) |
The fastest team on Earth.
That seems to be what the N.J. Bombers go for every year, which is funny considering his team name. Michael Bourn (damn, would you believe I typed Jason Bourn?), Jose Reyes and Jacoby Ellsbury will provide a wealth of steals for the Bombers, who seems to lead that category every year.
He'll also hope for a full year of Evan Longoria to provide the RBIs. He nearly lost the division last season because of Longoria's injury, but he returned just in time to help the Bombers hold off the Panthers.
To do the same in 2013, he's going to need to find a catcher in the draft. He's got the catcher of the future in Travis d'Arnaud, but he'll have to find someone to keep the seat warm until d'Arnaud is called up to the Mets.
The Bombers pitching is strong at the top with Jered Weaver, but I personally have my reservations about R.A. Dickey and his move to the AL East. I don't like it and I think it could hurt the Bombers.
I also think he'd be better served if his prospect Aroldis Chapman pitches in the ninth and not in the first. The Reds' Dusty Baker, and apparently Chapman himself, would agree. As a starter, I don't think the numbers will be good enough fantasy-wise, and the Bombers would much rather rack up 35-40 saves with Chapman — I'm assuming because that would be great to have with Craig Kimbrel returning, too. Those two helped the Bombers boast one of the best bullpens in 2012. I'm sure he wants that again.
Sex Panthers
2012 Record: 208-199-73
| Batters C: Jonathan Lucroy, MIL 1B: Albert Pujols, LAA 2B: Marco Scutaro, SF SS: Derek Jeter, NYY 3B: Martin Prado, LF CF: Curtis Granderson, NYY RF: Nick Markakis, BAL | Pitchers SP: Phil Hughes, NYY SP: Kyle Lohse, FA SP: Jason Hammel, BAL RP: Joe Nathan, TEX | Prospects SP: A.J. Griffin, OAK (0.102) SP: Scott Diamond, MIN (0.016) SP: Wily Peralta, MIL (0.033) SS: Andrelton Simmons, ATL (0.125) 3B: Anthony Rendon, WAS (0.000) C: Jesus Montero, SEA (1.028) |
The Sex Panthers are in a bit of a pickle.
She sent out C.J. Wilson and Josh Johnson because she had Kyle Lohse and Phil Hughes.
But Hughes ran into some injury issues at Spring Training — although he appears to be back on track now — and Lohse hasn't signed.
And that's unbelievable. When she made the deal, I said Lohse should sign soon. How could I go wrong with that? He was 16-3 last year. How does anyone not give up a first-round pick for a couple years of Lohse?
Come on, Reds. I'm talking to you. Put Chapman back in the pen and sign Lohse. You want to win a World Series, get serious and sign Lohse.
A Lohse signing is the only way the Panthers will be on track to compete for the World Series this year, too, because her pitching depth is in a bit of trouble right now. That can change quickly, though, if Jason Hammel has another good year with the Orioles, and if she can get a big year out of one of her lesser-known pitching prospects — A.J. Griffin, Scott Diamond and/or Wily Peralta.
Offensively, 60 percent of the time, the Sex Panthers will be beating you every time. I like Albert Pujols to have a big year — he's only got a few left — and she should expect high averages out of Marco Scutaro, Jonathan Lucroy, Martin Prado and Nick Markakis.
The future is bright, too, with the offseason acquisitions of Andrelton Simmons and Anthony Rendon.
Michael Coldsmith III
2012 Record: 149-264-67
| Batters C: Miguel Montero, ARI 1B: Garret Jones, PIT 2B: Dustin Pedroia, BOS 3B: Aramis Ramirez, MIL LF: Melky Cabrera, TOR RF: Ben Zobrist, TB RF: Josh Reddick, OAK | Pitchers SP: CC Sabathia, NYY SP: Hiroki Kuroda, NYY SP: Josh Beckett, LAD RP: Mariano Rivera, NYY | Prospects 3B: Pedro Alvarez, PIT (2.085) LF: Desmond Jennings, TB (1.101) LF: Mark Trumbo, LAA (2.027) RF: Ben Revere, PHI (1.149) SS: Tyler Pastornicky, ATL (0.141) 1B: Yonder Alonso, SD (1.116) |
Coldsmith still has a bit of work to do to recover from the Bad News Bears years, but fortunately, he's got some good prospects and young players to work with. Mark Trumbo, Yonder Alonso, Pedro Alvarez, Desmond Jennings and Ben Revere are all decent options, and to be able to keep them as minor leaguers is nice.
Plug them in with Miguel Montero, Dustin Pedroia, Aramis Ramirez and Melky Cabrera gives him a suitable offense for 2013.
There are some holes to fill there, but it's not as bad as his pitching. CC Sabathia is getting up there in age, but he's still a viable pitcher for at least this season. Josh Beckett's time may have passed, but Coldsmith didn't have much of an option without making a trade, so he's going to hope for a resurgence in Los Angeles for Beckett.
Needless to say, Coldsmith will target starting pitching in the draft early. He'll also need first base help and a shortstop, because I'm not sure Tyler Pastornicky is the answer.
American League West
Gameday Gamblers
2012 Record: 267-142-71
| Batters C: Joe Mauer, MIN 1B: Joey Votto, CIN 2B: Brandon Phillips, CIN LF: Ryan Braun, MIL CF: Adam Jones, BAL CF: Carlos Gonzalez, COL RF: Jose Bautista, TOR | Pitchers SP: Gio Gonzalez, WAS SP: Stephen Strasburg, WAS SP: Clayton Kershaw, LAD RP: Fernando Rodney, TB | Prospects 3B: Todd Frazier, CIN (1.071) 3B: Mike Moustakas, KC (1.111) SP: Danny Hultzen, SEA (0.000) SP: Jake Odorizzi, TB (0.018) CF: Bubba Starling, KC (0.000) 3B: Nick Castellanos, DET (0.000) |
Parker's team is perfect. Or, at least that's what he'd have you think. So just click on the baseball-reference links and see how good they are. Why should I waste words on them? They obviously passed the Parker Spreadsheet Test, so that means you should be jealous of all their might.
It's a team good enough already to get back to a fifth straight World Series. That's right, he's looking to get back to his fifth straight.
Too bad for him, his perfect team hasn't won a World Series since 2010, a drought that makes him cringe when it is brought up.
Cringe, Parker. Cringe.
Big League Choo
2012 Record: 207-208-65
| Batters C: Mike Napoli, BOS 1B: Paul Konerko, CWS 2B: Robinson Cano, NYY SS: Troy Tulowitzki, COL 3B: Hanley Ramirez, LAD CF: Josh Hamilton, LAA RF: Shin-Soo-Choo, CIN | Pitchers SP: Felix Hernandez, SEA SP: Matt Cain, SF SP: Johnny Cueto, CIN RP: Jason Motte, STL | Prospects RP: Addison Reed, CWS (1.027) CF: Oscar Taveras, STL (0.000) SP: Shelby Miller, STL (0.030) SP: Zach Wheeler, NYM (0.000) SP: Tyler Skaggs, ARI (0.043) CF: Adam Eaton, ARI (0.030) |
Didn't I already preview Big League Choo? I guess, in a way, I did.
But who can't stick around for a few more Choo jokes?
Well, first, let's talk about what is not a joke, and that's his pitching staff. With Matt Cain and Felix Hernandez, he's got a pair of pitchers who threw perfect games last season. Johnny Cueto hasn't tossed any no-hitters or perfect games, but he racked up the wins in 2012.
I still don't see the value in a few more wins over Max Scherzer's high strikeout totals. Plus, you have to imagine that Scherzer will get a few more wins with a stronger, more experienced lineup in 2013.
So, to me, that trade was a bad move. But hey, he wanted to irk Parker by getting Cueto. We'll see if that happens. If in a head-to-head matchup, Choo loses by a few strikeouts that Scherzer would have provided, we may look back to the moment where Choo thought it was necessary to swap one for the other.
Hernandez, who should get some more offensive support this year, will be in the running for a Cy Young again — as long as his elbow holds up — whereas I can see a bit of a regression for Matt Cain this season. I'm not saying Ulbaldo regression, but perhaps a slight regression for Cain. Even if that happens, Choo can possibly look to pitcher Zach Wheeler, who appears to be the real deal and should be a great call-up in July/August.
That's assuming he's still a member of the Choo in July/August.
Here in Chooville, they do play it one game at a time with a suitcase packed in the dugout.
Jerkin My Kurkjian
2012 Record: 160-253-67
| Batters C: Victor Martinez, DET 2B: Aaron Hill, ARI SS: Alcides Escobar, KC LF: Alex Gordon, KC CF: Austin Jackson, DET RF: Justin Upton, ATL RF: Shane Victorino, BOS | Pitchers SP: Josh Johnson, TOR SP: C.J. Wilson, LAA SP: Brandon Morrow, TOR RP: J.J. Putz, ARI | Prospects SP: Julio Teheran, ATL (0.062) SP: Yu Darvish, TEX (1.000) SP: Taijuan Walker, SEA (0.000) RF: Wil Myers, TB (0.000) 1B: Anthony Rizzo, CHC (0.168) 3B: Nolan Arenado, COL (0.000) |
Last, and not the least last year — he's happy for that — is the Jerk.
Loaded with young talent that for the most part has yet to crack the majors, the Jerk is on the cusp of something good — thanks to some great call-ups from his Single-A affiliate, Big League Choo.
And if the Jerk can do a good job at filling a few of the holes he has, he'll certainly be in the running for the wild card in 2013.
His offense is rounding out nicely, especially if Justin Upton can be the player everyone thinks he can be. If that is the case, the best trade that the Jerk made in the offseason would be the hundreds of offers for Upton he did not make.
He'll also look for a mid-season — preferably earlier — push from Wil Myers and Nolan Arenado. The two young hitters are primed and ready to take the field in the majors, but their stingy ballclubs are determined to keep them in the minors to gain a year of control.
Bring them up now, says the Jerk.
Even without them, he should be able to get by until their call-ups. He also hopes that Julio Teheran will start the season in the majors. He's made a strong case in Braves camp and appears to be ready. If he breaks camps with the Braves, he'll join Yu Darvish as the "young" major league starters for the Jerk.
Those two also will join a trio of pitchers acquired in trades, Josh Johnson, C.J. Wilson and Brandon Morrow. They're not your No. 1 fantasy starters, and they may not even be your No. 2 starters, but if healthy, all three should be on winning teams that have some of the better lineups in baseball. So, even if they give up an ERA of 3.75 to 4.25, they should be able to pick up some wins.
And if Morrow is healthy, we have to remember he was in the running for the Cy Young before he missed a few months with an oblique injury. The Jerk would love to have that Cy Young candidate back.
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