He just can't sit still, can he. He had to get on his horse and ride to the Kings Landing, didn't he?
I kept warning Sir Eddard Stjerk, telling him that "Keeper deadline was coming."
And he would listen for a while, but then, another birdie would whisper, making him wonder, "What if?"
OK, enough with the Game of Thrones, for now.
Let's talk Jerk, you know, the guy with a second bullet wound to the foot and a sore back-side.
For the second straight year, he shot himself in the foot with a big offseason trade, all the while, he is still sore in the behind from kicking himself for 11 months after making such a questionable deal last year with the Sex Panthers.
"I need to learn how to just stay with my team," he would say.
I would try to talk him off the trade ledge when times grew dark in Jerkland, and for the most part he listened to me.
Until today.
Today, he traded six players for four, as well as a higher draft pick.
First of all, Cheesesteaks, this is twice now you've managed to move up in the draft while acquiring sick talent. Can you share your tricks? Choo and I are amazed. I'd include the Gamblers, but he was the first person you duped into allowing you to move up.
Now, he moves up four spots in the fourth round, while acquiring the following: Addison Russell, Justin Upton, Homer Bailey, George Springer, Koji Uehara and Hyun-Jin Ryu.
In return, the Jerk gets Domonic Brown, Jean Segura, Zack Greinke and Dan Straily.
For the Jerk, Segura fills a shortstop role he has traded numerous players to fill, and he desperately hopes that Segura finally does just that and doesn't go the way of Didi Gregorious.
Brown and Straily are OK minor league eligible players, but the key to the whole deal for the Jerk was Zack Greinke. A front-line starter. He went 15-4 last season with a 2.63 ERA.
It's a good pickup, but at what cost?
Bailey's win total wasn't that great, going just 11-12, but it wasn't his fault with a 3.49 ERA. The guy has thrown two no-hitters and has really come into his own at the young age of 27. Greinke is 30.
Also going is Ryu. I guess for the Jerk, if he can't have Masahiro Tanaka, he won't have a single western Pacific rim pitcher. Ryu went 14-8 with a 3.00 ERA and still had two years left of minor league eligibility in the JLB. That's a huge pickup for the Cheesesteaks.
And that's not all.
Upton is going to the Cheesesteaks, too. An MVP caliber player steps into the outfield for the Philly Cheese.
I feel like I'm Bob Barker — or Drew Carey — listing all the things Jim just won on the Showcase Showdown, because, that's not all.
No, not a new car. That's a Choo analogy.
But, he gets one of my favorite outfield prospects in all of baseball, George Springer. This guy will be a stud, "Jargon guaranteed." And Addison Russell is equally as interesting; however, I will admit, I don't hold him as high as Springer. Certainly a good player to add.
Both of those players, in my mind, will make Jerk look back at this deal, just like he did for the last 11 months with his deal that sent Anthony Rendon, Andrelton Simmons and Curtis Granderson — to name a few — to the Sex Panthers for the likes of Josh Johnson and C.J. Wilson.
Why? Because he wanted a front-line starter.
Same reason this year.
And he got the arm, and he's complacent with that, but I can't help but think how great of an offseason the Cheesesteaks have had.
Let's look at his roster now:
C: A.J. Pierzynski
1B: Prince Fielder
2B: Aaron Hill (acquired via trade)
3B: Chase Headley
SS: Hanley Ramirez (acquired via trade)
SS prospect: Addison Russell (acquired via trade)
LF: Justin Upton (acquired via trade)
CF: Brett Gardner
CF prospect: George Springer (acquired via trade)
RF: Jose Bautista (acquired via trade)
RF prospect: Jorge Soler (acquired via trade)
** I imagine he is dropping either Pierzynski or Brett Gardner because he can only have 7 veteran bats, not 8. Nevertheless, he can fill those needs in the draft easily, most likely catcher.
SP: Max Scherzer
SP: Homer Bailey (acquired via trade)
SP: Hyun-Jin Ryu (acquired via trade)
SP: Kyle Zimmer (acquired via trade)
SP: Robert Stephenson (acquired via trade)
SP: Mike Minor
RP: Koji Uehara (acquired via trade)
That's quite amazing considering what he started with. And he can thank the Jerk and the Gambler.
They'll defend their deals, and rightfully so, by saying it makes their teams better by giving up players they "weren't keeping."
But the fact is, they just made a contender out of the Cheesesteaks.
Well, that's all for the Jargon.
Remember to have your pets spayed and neutered.
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