I have to write quick. Choo apparently has a date with a
porcelain throne at 10:30, and he’ll be upset if he can’t read this at that
time.
And I know why he's excited for this week's column. He was one of five teams that won with at least 14 categories in their pocket. Both he and the Gamblers were among the clubhouse leaders with 15 wins last week.
The Outs, Industries and Bombers all had 14 wins, while
Philly Cheese picked up the slimmest victory of the week at 12-9-3 over
Steroid.ERA.
 |
| Cy Cueto, Big Sigh Parker Parker's worst nightmare is this. Johnny Cueto is 4-2 with a 1.25 ERA and a 0.71 WHIP for the Choo. As a Reds fan and an avid Choo-hater, this must pain him more than anything in the world. To make matters worse, the Gamblers face the Choo this week in a pivotal first-place matchup in the American League, and what's on tap? How about two — that's right, two — Cueto starts. Someone is praying for rain, while the rest of us eat our words. Max Scherzer may have a Cy Young in his trophy closet, but the Choo has a JLB runner-up finish and the best pitcher in the world right now. I'd say he won that particular trade at this juncture. And why did he make the deal in the first place? "To piss off Parker." I have that in quotes, but I'm sure that's not exactly how Choo said it; nevertheless, I'm close. I just wish I would have made a move to piss Parker off. |
Big League Choo, thanks to only six losses to the Handi Jerks,
extended his first-place lead in the American League to 4.5 games, while
Vandelay retook first in the National League after the Slammers fell 14-7-3 to
the Outs.
Cheese is in second, 2.5 games back, and the Outs are in
fifth 7.5 games back, to show you how compact the National League still is.
Let’s start with my matchup. Why not? You’re all going to
complain about it anyway, so we might as well get it out the way.
But the reason I’m starting with my matchup is because we
have to talk about the Outs' pitching staff. Why? If anything, just to jinx it.
His starters went 10-2 with eight quality starts, two saves,
five holds, 3.08 ERA, 1.17 WHIP, 86 strikeouts and 25 walks.
In total, the Outs won seven pitching categories. It could
have been much more but the Slammers got some clutch pitching on Sunday to tie
strikeouts and quality starts, and win holds. Take away David Price’s
complete-game win, and the Outs easily could have won pitching 10-0-2. In a
move to save ERA and WHIP, the Outs benched a pair of starters who would
have made his staff 12-2 overall with 10 quality starts and enough strikeouts
to win 10-1-1.
Fortunately for the Slammers, he benched them.
He also got a decent week offensively with 38 runs, 17
doubles, 11 homers, 39 RBIs, six GWRBIs and a .280 batting average. Brandon
Moss led the way with 10 hits, batting .455 with eight runs, five doubles, a
triple, three homers and 11 RBIs. In prior weeks, it would have been no match
for the Slammers, but everyone slumped at the same time.
Which I suppose is good. Players are going to have tough
stretches, and if they’re going to have them, it’s nice to have them all get it
out of the way in the same week.
Andrew McCutchen went 3-for-19, Pedro Alvarez went 3-for-18,
Eric Hosmer went 2-for-24, Matt Adams went 3-for-15, Melky Cabrera went
1-for-10 and Charlie Blackmon was 5-for-20.
Together, that led to an awful week and an awful loss.
The Otto Parts suffered another big loss, too, falling to
Vandelay 14-9-1. He also lost 14-8-2 to him four weeks ago.
For Otto, the 2014 season has turned into a nightmare. At
first, we thought it may just be a tough start, but after seven straight series
losses, this is more than just a little slump. He’s 22 games out of first and
about 18 games out of the third wild card slot.
He’s still not out of it, but at this rate, he needs a win
in the worst way.
But with the second-place Cheese Steaks on the menu this
week, that win may have to wait until next week when Interleague starts and he
takes on the Handi Jerks.
Sorry, Jerks. The truth stings.
The Jerks have notably had some insane injury issues, but
Vandelay is trying to rival him in that department. Last week was extremely
difficult for the Industries as he watched both Martin Perez and Jose Fernandez
disappear for Tommy John. Fernandez joins the Industries “Tommy John Club,” led
by Matt Harvey. He just has to hope the injured Chris Sale doesn’t learn the secret handshake.
Even with all that, the Industries still won eight pitching
categories going 6-4 with seven quality starts, a CG SO, two saves and a 2.43
ERA, 1.01 WHIP. Giancarlo Stanton — who else? — and Starlin Castro helped the
offense win six more categories with their double-digit hits.
The Cheese Steaks also had an awesome pitching week, going
5-2 with six quality starts, a 2.52 ERA and a 1.07 WHIP. He won nine pitching
categories and managed three more wins on offense to claim the 12-9-3 win over
Steroid.
Steroid made his money at the plate, batting .303 with 45
runs, 47 singles, 14 doubles, three triples, 12 homers and 41 RBIs. Edwin
Encarnacion and Josh Donaldson both belted three homers, and Brian Dozier had
two. Donaldson finished with 10 RBIs and Dozier had eight. Hunter Pence
(12-for-31) and Yadier Molina (10-for-21) each had double-digit hits.
That offense led to seven category wins, which was big
considering he had only two in pitching, where he had a 5.76 ERA and a 3-9
record. Ouch.
That pitching still wouldn’t have been enough to pick up
wins in Gamblers-Sex Panthers matchup.
The Gamblers got a much-needed CG SO from Masahiro Tanaka
because if that start didn’t happen, the Panthers salvage some categories.
Instead, the Gamblers win 10 pitching categories with a 2-7 record, six quality
starts, 5.35 ERA, 1.25 WHIP and 77 strikeouts. The Panthers went 3-9 with five
quality starts, 5.71 ERA, 1.55 WHIP and 71 strikeouts.
It was ugly and not worth any more words in this column.
The Handi Jerks have to be pissed he played Big League Choo
this week. Why couldn’t he have played the Gamblers or Panthers?
He went 4-7 on the mound with a 2.57 ERA, 1.26 WHIP, 75
strikeouts, a CG SO.
Not bad.
But Choo was better at 5-4, seven quality starts, 2.27 ERA
and 1.15 WHIP, winning eight categories. He also had a CG SO, and another CG to
win an extra category.
Both teams struggled offensively with averages in the .230s,
but Choo won .239-.236. He also won runs (37-26), doubles (11-9), triples
(1-0), homers (10-5), RBIs (34-21).
Choo got a pair of homers from Jose Abreu before he hit the
DL, and Troy Tulowitzki added two more. But the big week came from Yasiel Puig,
who batted .348 with three homers and 10 RBIs.
Both Parker and the Jerks were happy to see Sonny Gray leave
the American League, but they have to be a little upset that Puig is now
wreaking havoc on them. He’s on fire. He’s playing so well that it shouldn’t
be long before he’s traded to the Otto Parts — a la, the “Trout Plan.”
Even without Sonny Gray, Choo has pitched well with Cliff
Lee, Shelby Miller and, of course, Johnny Cueto leading the way.
Cueto is so ridiculous I don’t even know what to say. I'll just
let his stats do the talking. With another CG SO last week, he’s 4-2 with a 1.25
ERA and a 0.71 WHIP in 2014. He has three complete games, two CG SOs, and he’s gone at least 8.0
innings in his last six starts. That’s nuts.
Quietly, Choo also is getting great starts out of Sex Panthers’
castaway Phil Hughes, who is 4-0 with five quality starts, 1.95 ERA, 1.02 WHIP
and a 23:1 strikeout to walk ratio over the last 30 days.
That’s a tough one for the Panthers. I was there the night she
weighed who to drop. Her pitching was so bad — and still is — that she needed
to do something, and she apparently picked the wrong 6.00 ERA pitcher to drop.
Hughes has been lights out.
Coldsmith also has had some major issues on the mound, but
this past week, he put together a 3.92 ERA only to lose 14-7-3 to the N.J.
Bombers, who won five pitching categories and nine batting.
Paul Goldschmidt led the way with two homers, nine RBIs and
seven runs, helping the Bombers to easily win runs, doubles, triples, homers
and RBIs. Brett Gardner’s two homers and seven RBIs were clutch, too. Gardner
also scored six runs and had three steals.
Jesse Chavez continues to be — as Parker would tout — the
waiver-wire pickup of the year. He logged another 13 innings with a quality
start, two wins and 13 strikeouts and a 2.77 ERA. Add that with his potential
rookie of the year in Yordano Ventura, who threw another quality start, and the
Bombers have a staff that can compete with the Gamblers and the Choo.
He’s 17.5 games back, but he owns the wild card right now.
All it takes is one big win to get back into the American League race. And, he
has the Handi Jerks this week while the top two teams in the American League
square off. This could be his chance to cut the lead.
Again, sorry, Jerks.
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