The Super Bowl Champions were nothing like themselves and a quarterback controversy may already be brewing in the newsroom. The other three division champs from a year ago took care of business in a big way.
The Jammers, Noise and Toasters all put up more than 100 points in Week 1 to begin their respective division title defenses.
For the Noise, it was a huge win over the reigning Super Bowl Champions. Matt Ryan was on fire and his 44.5 points led all QBs in Week 1. He got five other double-digit performances to run away with the win as the News Team failed to crack 80 points.
How big was the win? Houserville would like to lessen its worth because he already fears that the Noise's head is getting too big to fit through a door.
I think that's a bit of an exaggeration, because from what I can see, it can clearly fit through a doorway.
Now me, on the other hand, I may just have trouble entering rooms soon if Terrance West keeps scoring double digits. The JFL is probably sick of hearing about him already. I know I am. I just wish it didn't annoy Parker so much. I would stop if it didn't.
My team, the Jammers, started a bit slow, but Matthew Stafford looked extremely sharp, turning a two-point lead into an easy 106.3-81.4 win.
The Toasters trailed by about 10 points to the Sunday Slackers heading into Monday Night Football and Calvin Johnson erased that deficit and forged a win on his very first catch, a 67-yard TD. He added another TD and finished with 31.8 fantasy points.
Dottsville wasn’t the only one to complete a Monday Night comeback with one reception. Michael Floyd caught a 63-yard pass in the first quarter to push Houserville ahead of the Spacklers for good.
The Shark Attack, Philly Cheese, Fear and Loathing and Jerk also won in Week 1.
Also worth noting is the AFC North’s Week 1 dominance. All four teams won while all four teams in the NFC West lost. Interestingly enough, it was the AFC North last year that went oh-for in the Week 1.
The most impressive winner coming out of the AFC North was Fear and Loathing, who put together seven double-digit performances, including 38.4 from Andrew Luck and 26.9 from Le’Veon Bell. It was quite the surprise given the preseason assessment by the JFL commissioner. Man, that guy is an idiot. He should probably stop writing.
World of Noise 126, Channel 4 News Team 78.5
- · Matt Ryan had a baller of a Week 1. He threw for 448 yards and three touchdowns in the season opener against the Saints, amassing 44.5 fantasy points. It was just the performance the Noise wanted to prove to the JFL that his decision to keep Ryan in Round 1 was warranted. I agreed with him, while others did not. Now you all see why we were right.
- · Percy Harvin is an interesting fellow. I’ll admit. I completely underestimated his fantasy impact. With the way Seattle is using him, I can easily see him finishing in the top five in fantasy WRs. Yes, his 14.4 fantasy points don’t really blow you away after seeing A.J. Green and Calvin Johnson explode Week 1, but Harvin’s going to bust some big plays. He’ll have his 20-point days in the coming weeks. And that’s big for the News Team.
- · RGIII. Told you.
- · Zach Ertz. Also told you. He’s going to be a stud. I can see him scoring eight TDs this season. He has one already and almost had two on Sunday. He’ll get No. 2 next week.
Fear and Loathing 144.5, Chinese Organ Thieves 119
- · Fear still has only one QB and if Sunday was a prelude to what we’re going to see from that one QB, he might just be able to pull it off. For the second time in two seasons, Andrew Luck out-dueled Peyton Manning. This year, Luck threw for 370 yards and two touchdowns, and he ran for another to post 38.4 fantasy points. Manning had “just” 30.7.
- · I said in the season previews that Fear and Loathing would have the advantage at tight end for most of the season, and after Vernon Davis’ two TDs and 17.2 fantasy points Sunday, you can see why. But that didn’t give him the advantage. Organ Thieves got a new JFL single-game record 29.8 points from Julius Thomas (7 catches, 104 yards, 3 TDs). Drafted in the second round, the Organ Thieves are just grinning at the Jammers for taking Jimmy Graham in the first.
- · Who said Fear was in trouble? For having one of the worst teams on paper, he sure came out angry. With a Week 1-best 144.5 points, he’s immediately opened some eyes. DeMarco Murray and Le’Veon Bell combined for 46.8 points. If that’s the production he’s going to get from those two, the Noise, Ville and Attack better watch out.
Jimmy Jammers 106.3, T-Money 81.4
- · I told Parker all I needed was 10 points from Terrance West. And what did I get? Yep, you guessed it, 10 points. West ran for about 30 yards before Ben Tate went out with an injury, and from there, West finished with 16 carries for 100 yards. He didn’t score, but nevertheless, he got his 10 points. So, Parker was wrong there. However, his statement of "Will I get that all year?" is a bigger question. After Monday’s bombshell in Baltimore, I have to hope so because Terrance West just became my every week starter.
- · Jeremy Maclin started slow but with one giant heave, the Eagles erased an awful first-half deficit and took the lead for the first time on Maclin’s 68-yard TD catch. It also created decent separation in the fantasy matchup, setting up Matthew Stafford to close the door. His 39.2 points Monday night did just that.
- · If you think the RB situation in Jammerville is bad, T-Money was just delivered a blow. Tate is out and heading for an MRI. Fortunately, he got a lot of garbage points from Rashad Jennings when the game was out of reach. Still, the positive for Jennings is that he was out there on passing downs and he caught four passes for 50 yards to help him finish with 16.4.
- · Tony Romo scored 17 points and That has to leave T-Money hoping this isn't another year of up-and-down Romo. He moved the ball well at times, but the three interceptions hurt the Cowboys and T-Money.
Dottsville Toasters 111.6, Sunday Slackers 90.6
- · Drew Brees orchestrated four TD drives and only one ended with a TD pass. The other three were a trio of TD runs, including two from Mark Ingram. Pierre Thomas scored 10.1 fantasy points in a West-like performance, but he didn’t score. And Alfred Morris had just 9.1 points. A.J. Green led the Slackers with 22.8 thanks to a long TD catch. For the Slackers, it was just a two-TD day. Brees’ one and Green’s one. When you get only two TDs, you’re in trouble. Especially when you head into Monday Night Football against Calvin Johnson. He scored twice in the first quarter alone.
- · Darren Sproles’ Week 1 performance was quite shocking. His 20.3 points was among the best outputs by RBs in Week 1 and considering the fact he is the backup to LeSean McCoy, that is amazing. Sproles is explosive, we know that, but we certainly didn’t expect this Week 1. Can it continue each week? One would think not, but if it does, damn, are the Toasters in for an even better season.
- · For the last couple years, the Toasters have lived and died at the hands of the wildly inconsistent RGIII. It was either 10 points or 35. All he wanted was a consistent 25. Enter Russell Wilson. He threw for 191 yards and two TDs on Thursday — enough for 24.4 points. It was more points than Brees and he’ll take that, especially after seeing RGIII only score 12.2 points this week.
- · Megatron is insane. Remember in 2011 when he rolled out on fire with nine TDs in the first five games? With 164 yards and two TDs Monday, you get that feeling he can do it again. He easily could have had four TDs. The targets are there and Stafford is going to continually find him.
Jerkin’ My Kirk Herbstreit 71.9, Chalupa Batman 58.8
- · Marshawn Lynch scored 24.6 points on Thursday and Chalupa Batman woke up Friday with a smile on his face. Then Sunday happened. His Tampa Bay gamble smacked him right in the face. Doug Martin, Vincent Jackson and Austin Seferian-Jenkins didn’t even crack a combined 9 points, and two of them suffered injuries. Chalupa better spritz on some hot sauce for next week because this was not the debut he wanted in the JFL.
- · Matt Forte proved his fantasy value Sunday with more than 80 yards rushing and more than 80 yards receiving. The 160 all-purpose yards helped him score 18.5 points. Once he gets into the end zone, it will be even better for the Jerk. And with Knowshon Moreno scoring 19.4 on the bench, he should start next week. He’s clearly a good back no matter what uniform he wears.
Real Houserville 83.3, Boyer’s Spacklers 74.5
- · It was back and forth during the Lions game as Houserville initially had enough points to own a slim lead — a lead so slim that if this were last year, he’d be losing (and whining) because of home-field advantage — but as the game wore on, the defense lost points and eventually finished with 7.3 points. That left the Ville in a 74.5-70.2 hole heading into the final game, but Michael Floyd changed that on one play. His 63-yard catch in the first quarter fueled his 13.1 points on 119 yards and five receptions.
- · Montee Ball scored 14.7 points, so Houserville is going to be laughing at me for a bit. Perhaps six days at best. We’ll see if he can consistently do that.
- · Well, Aaron Rodgers was supposed to revive the Houserville franchise at QB. His 14.4 points were a huge disappointment, but I’m sure that won’t continue. However, Houserville does have to worry about the injuries that came out of that opener, including the loss of an offensive tackle. That can lead to big trouble in the QB world.
- · For as disappointed as Houserville was, the Spacklers had to be equally as frustrated with his franchise QB. After a rough 2013, he decided to give Brady another go in 2014. I mean, he had to. He’s been around so long. But, that’s the Ruben Amaro way. You think they can give you one more year. But perhaps you should just move on. After Week 1, it’s clear that Marshawn Lynch should have been the true Spackler keeper after Brady scored just 16.3 fantasy points. He threw for just one TD and had a pair of fumbles. It’s still early, but this is a bit scary after the season he had last year.
Shark Attack 90.5, Graybill’s Generals 71.9
- · The owner of the Shark Attack knows karate. I mean, he really knows it. Go ahead. Throw a punch at him. I swear to you, you’ll have a broken arm and a crushed larynx in about 0.5 seconds. So, perhaps this explains why he kept the karate kid of fantasy football. Antonio Brown was an interesting keeper, but after he logged 20.6 points Sunday, who can blame the Attack for making such a decision. Then again, if Brown gets suspended for his high-flying Jean-Claude Van Damme kick on the Browns punter, he may second guess it.
- · Jay Cutler did just what the Jawz wanted him to do. He lost the game for the Bears with disappointing turnovers, but still made enough big plays to score 27 fantasy points. He’s so bad, he’s good. Jawz will deal with it. The Bears will not.
- · Josh McCown didn’t exactly impress us all Sunday, but his 21.7 points are at least bearable from a fantasy standpoint. Still, the Generals didn’t get much help from the rest of his team. Eddie Lacy had just 5.1 points and LeSean McCoy is one of the few players who can score 12.7 points and be considered a failure. Victor Cruz and Coby Fleener were non-factors and Golden Tate did well for being second to Megatron.
Philly Cheese Steaks 106.1, Choo Big TeeDees 61.1
- · For about two quarters Sunday, the Philly Cheese Steaks were beyond scared. Nick Foles had two fumbles and an INT in the end zone. He was extremely close to having a third fumble, but he luckily fell on it. Overall, the first half was ugly. It was far from what we saw from Foles last year. But he bounced back big time, tossing a pair of second-half TDs and finishing with 322 yards for 27 fantasy points. It was plenty enough points against the Choo.
- · Choo got his points from Colin Kaepernick. Yes, it was only 23.1, but that’s a good total in the JFL nowadays. The single-digit performances that littered the boxscore below his name were what killed the Choo in Week 1. He’ll make some changes for sure heading into Week 2. He’s the Choo. He makes the maximum five changes a week in baseball and with unlimited changes in football, man, I don't know what he'll do. He'll be like a fat guy at a Chinese buffet ... Or a Choo at a White Castle.
- · Cordarrelle Patterson is explosive. His 23.4 points were a big part of the Cheese Steaks’ win, but 67 yards (and what amounts to 14.7 fantasy points) came on one run. He’ll continue to get those chances to explode, but the Cheese Steaks are vulnerable on the weeks he doesn’t.
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