The players, old and new, have gotten together and held a team meeting. Things have to change, and they have to change quickly.
Parker, Choo and Jerk are all smirking and gaining confidence.
This cannot be allowed. The losing must stop now.
As Jean Luc Picard would say so emphatically: “Not again! The line must be drawn here! This far. No farther!”
Three straight losses is enough.
Yes, I know Graybill would have something to say here, but he traded away Sammy Watkins and the win. I haven’t traded away any wins. In the last three weeks, no matter how you set the lineup — even if you add in Branden Oliver, there’s just no way to give me a win.
So that’s why, I’ve gathered the players for a team meeting. They need to step up their game like Fear and Loathing’s team did after Week 6 last year. … You’ll understand what I’m talking about.
Fear and Loathing 91.4, Channel 4 News Team 53.3
BROKEN RECORD: It’s the same every week. Andrew Luck, DeMarco Murray and Le’Veon Bell. All three provide the big points, the rest of the team fills in the rest. Fear has lucked out that in a week like this, where the rest of his team falters, so does his opponent. After scoring 115 or more in the first four weeks, he’s eked out a pair of close wins and now this week, he takes advantage of a News Team collapse. But seven wins are seven wins, no matter how you get them.
BREAKING RECORDS: Fear has now matched the best start in JFL history. His seven straight wins to start the season match T-Money’s 7-0 start in 2008. (He lost in Week 8 and finished 10-3.) Fear has won 10 straight dating back to Week 11 of 2013. That matches the longest regular-season winning streak set by Team Boyer in 2006 when he won 11 straight in the middle of a single season. The next longest winning streak during a single season belongs to Channel 4 News Team who won nine straight after losing his first five games to start the season in 2008.
FEAR THE ROLL: How good is Fear lately? Well, if it weren’t for that pesky Noise, we may be taking about an epic streak and a Super Bowl Champion. After starting 1-5 in 2013, Fear has turned it around big time. (He must have had a team meeting like I had today.) Since Week 7 of 2013, Fear is 14-2, with losses coming to the Jammers in Week 10 last year — his last regular-season loss — and World of Noise in the AFC Championship game — his last actual loss. The 14-2 stretch is one of the best in JFL history, ranking close to the 15-1 or 17-2 stretch — depending on which way you look at it — the Jammers had over the 2006 and 2007 seasons.
Real Houserville 104.6, Graybill’s Generals 99.3
OPPOSITE OF FEAR: With seven straight losses to start the season, the Generals are officially off to the worst start in JFL history. The seven straight losses now matches World of Noise’s seven-game losing streak in 2011. But, seven straight losses isn’t the record. The Sunday Slackers own the worst losing streak in JFL history, losing 10 straight in 2008.
IT’S TIME FOR THREE-WIDE: With LeSean McCoy gone, it’s time to go three-wide because Andre Williams isn’t going to cut it. Maybe trade acquisition Allen Robinson gets the nod. He had 12.8 points and he’ll continue to get more looks with Blake Bortles progressing.
WAITING FOR McCOY: With the deal, Houserville was hoping he could survive a week without his new trade acquisition, and he just did thanks to Shane Vereen. Now the big question is, does he roll with Vereen, too?
Jerkin’ My Kirk Herbstreit 109.5, Philly Cheese Steaks 104.2
THREE BIG PERFORMANCES: Eli Manning had 31.1 points, Matt Forte had 24.1 and Randall Cobb had 21. That was all Jerk needed to move to 5-2 and first place in the AFC East. He’s so happy about it. I think he took out a billboard in Allentown. I just need to go find it and spray graffiti on it.
BEST TRADE: The best trade is often the one you don't make. Jerk learned that lesson this week as Randall Cobb and T.Y. Hilton combined for 33.1 points. Man, that would have been a dumb trade. Hopefully these kind of smart GM moves continue into the baseball offseason.
Chinese Organ Thieves 105.9, World of Noise 89.3
MAN OH MANNING: Peyton Manning needed only three TDs to set the record, so he threw for four just to make sure everyone knows he is the best. With 41.4 points, it was plenty enough to beat the Noise, who had more of a balanced attack. He just was doomed by yet another poor week from Matt Ryan. When Joe Flacco is starting to look tempting, you know your QB is struggling.
GARCON TO THE RESCUE: The Thieves needed someone outside of the Bronco trio to step up in his lineup, and Pierre Garcon was the man Sunday. For the most part, it was a third-quarter catch that made the difference in this matchup as he went 70 yards for a TD. That’s 15.2 points by itself.
HELLO No. 1, MEET No. 2: Julius Thomas only 3.5 points Sunday, but he’s still No. 1 in tight ends. Greg Olsen score 12.1 and remained at No. 2. For a sixth-round pick, the Noise has really cashed in.
Dottsville Toasters 85, Jimmy Jammers 60.1
RUSSELL SHOWS HIS MUSCLE: With a season-best 44.1 points, Russell Wilson single-handedly won this matchup for the Toasters. It was more than half his final tally of 85 and without it, the Jammers wouldn’t have had a team meeting.
DON’T TRUST JIMMY: Well, I was shocked to see him active and he should have just remained inactive. Only two targets and no catches, it was a big zero points at the TE slot. Robert Woods was healthy and he only managed 0.8 more points. I wasn’t expecting the world from him, but he was averaging many more targets than he got Sunday. Add in Marshawn Lynch’s poor debut as a Jammer and it’s no wonder the NFL ended around 5 p.m. Sunday for me this week.
MILLER TIME: It’s time to give the Toasters some credit for his eighth-round pick Lamar Miller. He just notched his four straight double-digit game and fifth of the season. He has four TDs in the last three games and ranks 11th among RBs. Not a bad pick. Now he just needs Calvin Johnson back.
Team Boyer 104.4, Shark Attack 84.6
NOT SO FAST GENERALS: The Attack has lost six straight and he’s right on the Generals’ tail. That’s right. If the Generals somehow slip up and win a game, the Attack may be able to overtake him for most consecutive losses this season. I’m sure he’s just dying to do that.
AND WHAT ABOUT ME?: Boyer is also streaking. He’s got four straight after another big Tom Brady performance. His 33 points added with four other double-digit performances to solidify the Spacklers’ fifth win of the season.
ANTONIO THE GREAT: Antonio Brown is killing me. He led me to a Super Bowl title three years ago. I kept him the following year and he did absolutely nothing in the worst year in my franchise history. Now, he’s No. 1 with double-digits every week. Jawz still has to be excited about the JFL Postseason Challenge. At 1-6, that’s all he’s got.
Sunday Slackers 75.5, T-Money 67.3
LUCKY: All seven of Antone Smith’s TDs in 2014 are from 35 yards or farther. At one point, T-Money was getting lucky. But as he continued to defy logic, luck turned into the norm. So therefore, it is Parker who is lucky. For the first time since Week 2, he didn’t hit double-digits, and it cost T-Money.
JAMMER JINX: My bad, T-Money. I jinxed Alshon Jeffery. I predicted a big day and he had just 1.3 points. That’s my bad. Sorry.
SMITH IS WARMING UP: With 14.7 points Sunday, Torrey Smith now has double-digits in three of his last four games. He also has three TDs in his last two games. Now all the Slackers need is A.J. Green back. (Me, too. He’s killing me in the auction League.)
Choo Big TeeDees 108.4, Chalupa Batman 73.7
CONFESSION: I have to admit it, I was wrong. I thought it was a bit of a reach that Demaryius Thomas was taken in the first round by Choo, and after three weeks, I was gloating about it. Well, since then, he’s scored 92.3 points in three weeks. That’s 39.2, 20.4 and 32.7 in consecutive weeks. If Odell Beckham continues to grow, Choo could get himself into contention here. He’ll need more from his RBs, though.
GOREY DETAILS: With two straight weeks of 3.8 points or less, Frank Gore hasn’t been what Choo wanted him to be. Zac Stacy has been worse. Last year’s waiver gem didn’t get a carry last week. Not looking good for Choo in that department. Then again, when you have a WR averaging 28 points a week over the last three, you’re OK.
BUCS RETURN IS ‘NEER: Well, so much for the Buc-less approach. Next week, Chalupa will hope the bye week does some good for his Bucs. If not, he’ll submit legislation for the JFL rulebook stating that no one named Brian O’Reilly shall be permitted to take a Buc in the fantasy draft.
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