Snore, snore, deep
breath.
Snore, snore, deep
breath.
SLAM.
“Huh, what?” I say, sitting up quickly from my bed comprised of old dirty sheets curled up on a cold slab of cement. “Holy Javier Baez! What the hell was that?”
I look over at my clock, it reads 5:08 p.m.
I grab my phone, and it reads June 23.
And that’s when it dawns on me, I’ve been asleep since May
11. Man, Jargon. Wake up.
I guess it isn’t all that bad. Since May 23, I’ve missed only
one win that was credited to a Phillies starting pitcher. They, too, must sleep
on a bed of solid concrete.
The thumps continue from the other side of the dark, dark
cellar, and I can’t help but wonder what is going on. You see, the Gamblers
moved in to my basement, on the other side, of course, a few months ago, and
together, us World Series has-beens have been wasting away in the JLB projects.
“What are you doing over there?” I shout. "Tripping over your numerous runner-up trophies?"
From the abyss of darkness, Parker replies, “Shut up, ass. It’s Kershaw. We broke up. He’s pissed and packing his things.”
Ah, and finally, it makes sense. Kershaw just found out he’s
boarding the Choo Choo Train, and that means he's in for a bumpy, unknown
ride. He could be the losing starter in the World Series or he could be the
next guy traded in the offseason for home runs — or both, perhaps. It’s always
exciting becoming a Choo.
It’s even more exciting for other JLB members when a guy
like Clayton Kershaw joins the trade-happy Choo. #TradingBlock
Yes, it’s been a while since I’ve Jargoned — yeah, I made
that a thing — but I had to come out of the cellar to talk about this deal.
For once, Parker is on the side of a deal that brings back a
bunch of talent, as opposed to shipping off players that could have kept him
from being roommates with me again.
Kyle Schwarber, James Shields, Steven Matz, Jorge Soler and
Wade Davis is quite the haul for Clayton Kershaw and Jason Motte.
For Choo, he had the leeway to do it, but man, did he give
up talent. Nevertheless, he doesn’t care. He has Kershaw and David Price
headlining a team that is looking to get back to a third straight World Series,
and this time, win.
Parker is out of the playoff hunt, but with Soler a week
away from coming back, Shields a decent starter in San Diego, Schwarber showing
he’s worth the money (although he’s heading back to Triple-A because the Cubs
are stacked) and Steven Matz on the way, it’s a deal that could help him make a
late run for the wild card.
Even if this year is a wash, all five are keepers for next
year, maybe four if you don’t want to keep Wade Davis. In the days where
anything can happen to a pitcher, to swap an ace for this much talent isn’t
bad.
It’s certainly one of the most improbable blockbusters we
have ever seen in the JLB. It’d be like Gina trading Pujols, Vandelay trading
Stanton, me trading McCutchen and Steroid trading any one of his Pirates.
Boom. Steroid zing! Raise the Jolly Roger!
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