Jerk really could do no wrong this weekend.
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| Pope Jerk Francis turned crappy Bridgewater into 150-point wine. |
He was infallible, like the Pope.
He was so good, he made Steven Spillane forget facts, just like the Pope did with the GOP.
His four RB/WR positions were anointed saints for their double-digit performances, including
three who had 26 or more, one of whom was 0.3 away from 40 points. Altogether, his three WRs provided a punch more powerful than the Big Bang, exploding for 443 yards and seven TDs. Of course, Pope Jerk Franics denies the Big Band Theory.
He believes the 443 receiving yards and seven TDs just arrived one day in the Garden of Eden.
That miracle included A.J. Green, who scored an 80-yard TD that was essentially worth 18 points (6 for the TD, 2 for the 40-plus-yard bonus, 8.0 for the yards, 0.2 for the catch and another 2 points because it pushed him over 200 yards receiving for the day).
As if he needed the help, his defense stayed away from the forbidden apples and went bananas against the 49ers, scoring 25.8 points in an era were defenses are lucky
to get to 10.
His next choice at WR and RB on the bench both had 21.7 and
19 points, respectively.
Even his starting QB, who scored a pitiful 4.9 points, was
less than five points away from the total his backup QB scored on the bench.
He could have let a monkey — or even World of Noise owner
Craig Johnson — set this lineup on Sunday morning and it still would have
scored 150 in a win over the Jammers.
Oh, well, maybe not a World of Noise.
He did, after all, bench a perfectly good Devonta Freeman
(38.3 points) for Jonathan Stewart, who had done nothing of any importance to
warrant a start over Freeman, as the Atlanta back had double-digits in Week 2 — something
Stewart hasn’t scored at all this season.
In fact, last season, only twice did he rush for more than
100 yards, and yes, once was against the Saints, so that’s probably why ESPN
projected his point total higher than Freeman’s, but if look at that game
closely, most of it came on a 69-yard TD run.
I’m not going to put all my eggs in the J-Stew Long-TD
Basket.
The other 100-yard day last season came against the Browns
defense, which says something about why for the second time this season, the
Noise got negative points from the Browns defense. Yes, they went for 21.5 in
Week 2, but like Stewart, you can’t bank on a TD, three fumble recoveries and
seven sacks each week from this team. They’re the Browns.
And because of the benching blunder, the Noise loses yet
another contest to Houserville, who was one Pope Jerk Francis blessing short of putting up 150
points. He got 27.2 and 26.6 from Jamaal Charles and Adrian Peterson, while Eli
Manning went for 27.5 in his 126.2-85.6 win over the Noise.
What is that: Twelve career wins over the Noise? Those are
“shut up” numbers. But we know Noise won’t, even though his accidental pick of Mark Ingram scored double-digits yet again, while Nelson Agholor hit for zero points.
More teams joined the century club this week as the Philly
Cheese Steaks threw the Chalupa at Jack Black and wrecked his chopper, bro. But
again, the 112-73.8 loss could have been worse. Chalupa could have easily been
smacked in the face like I was, as Cheese Steaks [Amorosa] rolled with C.J.
Anderson (2.9 points) over Joseph Randle (28.9). Anderson hadn’t done much all
year, so I’m not sure why you do that.
I do find it hilarious that the two teams that stopped the Eagles (and
by stopped, I mean, they watched Chip Kelly poor-play-call his team into the
worst back-to-back rushing performances to start a season in who knows how long) were the ones victimized by a pair of benched 3-TD running backs.
It’s why you can’t really judge a run defense until
midseason. Except the Browns. We can totally judge the Browns defense right now.
Still, unlike Noise, the Steaks survived the mistake to move into a
first-place tie in the NFC East.
WILD, WILD WEST
Aaron Rodgers is a matchup winner.
That’s why News Team mortgaged his house, sold his child
into forced labor and sacrificed a basket full of sweet kittens to get the
State Farm rep in the offseason.
And Monday, it almost paid off.
After 333 yards and five TDs, the News Team found himself
less than a point away from beating the Generals in what would have been one of
the craziest comebacks in Monday Night history.
We’ve had a few 50-point comebacks in the past, and definitely
some 40-point rallies that I know all too well thanks to Drew Brees, but
nothing is worse than a 48.1-point rally that falls 1.1-points short.
Graybill, if he was watching, must have been cringing all
night long, and when Rodgers threw that early fourth-quarter TD, he had to be
worried that a sixth was on its way.
But he lucked out and the 27.7 and 27.4 points from Keenan
Allen and Ryan Tannehill were just enough to get him to 3-0.
My what a difference a year makes. Last year, he was 0-3 on
his way to 0-8. Now, he’s cruising with the NFC’s best record.
TROPHY CURSE
On the opposite end of the NFC standings is T-Money at 0-3,
after another low-scoring day. And it’s not like the loss of Tony Romo was the
problem as new starter Kirk Cousins went for 21.5. The rest of the team
combined for 17.7 points.
Not that a 90-point day would have helped as the Toasters
got big outputs from Alfred Blue (19.9) and Steve Smith (35.2). Side note. Can
we get rid of the “Sr.” label on Steve Smith? The other Steve Smith who made
this happen hasn’t been relevant in years, you know, like Parker.
OH, SNAP!
Yeah, I went there. Parker Dunbar is done and at the bar.
Even with 44 points from his backup QB because Drew Brees
called in sick, he couldn’t beat the Choo who had five double-digit
performances, including 31 from Joe Flacco, the last QB to be the first QB
drafted by a team. He now has back-to-back 30-burgers.
That’s not the only thing Choo has going for him. He’s
somehow snagged the New England RB, Dion Lewis, who consistently scores double-digits. I
don’t think that phrase has been uttered since the days of Corey Dillon.
Lewis, who was a last-second free-agent pick before the
first game of the year, has scored 12.8, 20, and 13.7 points in the first three
weeks. Add that with Julian Edelman who also has three straight double-digit
weeks, and the Choo has a lineup that could be better than his 1-2 record
suggests.
And as long a Tom Brady continues to use touchdowns as his
middle finger to the NFL, Choo should be in good shape with a pair of Patriots
on his team.
FINALLY, BRADY TEXTS "WIN" TO BOYER
After two disappointing weeks, Boyer finally saw a big Tom
Brady week (29.9 points) translate into a win, 88.9-78.5 over the Bombers.
I’ve mentioned the two RBs with three TDs who were benched
and in my mind should not have been; now I’m going to give you the three-TD RB
who should have been benched.
LeGarrette Blount, after weeks of nothing, got the start for
Boyer and he exploded for 27.4 points on 78 yards and three scores.
Had Boyer lost this matchup with Blount on the bench, I
would have wrote: “Oh, well, what can you do?”
But he didn’t bench him and it helped spoil the return of
Le’Veon Bell for the Bombers, who quite possibly would have won had it not been
for the loss of Ben Roethlisberger. Big Ben scored just 8.5 points before
suffering an injury and now the Bombers will be in a desperate search for a
backup QB since he has none on the roster.
Even worse, the fact that he’s sitting at No. 16 out of 16
on the waiver order.
GO SHOPPING
Maybe the Bombers would be better off heading to the store
to buy a QB. If he looks down aisle one, he’ll find the Jawz Attack, who can
get great QB play from two QBs but not from two RBs or two WRs and that’s why
he’s 1-2 after a 92.9-84.7 loss to Fear and Loathing.
Peyton Manning scored 28.9 points but Matt Forte struggled
and Roddy White hit zero points in the starting lineup for the second straight
week.
I think we can declare him dead now.
Chris Johnson was a bright spot with 27.2 points, but San
Francisco is awful and Andre Ellington will be back soon.
The Bombers could also shop in aisle two where Fear and
Loathing have a backup who is ranked 10 spots higher than starter Andrew Luck.
Tyrod Taylor, who wasn’t even a waiver wire grab, he was just a free-agent
acquisition, scored another 32.7 points and he now has seven TDs on the season,
eight when you add in the rushing score in Week 2.
Dare I say, looking at Fear’s roster, he has the potential
for a decent win total if Latavius Murray keeps it up after his second decent
week at RB. One figures Golden Tate will come around and there are a few more
decent sleeper options on the bench.
He’ll look to prove that next week when he aims for a third
straight win against the Noise, who has lost two straight.
Worth noting, Houserville, who beat Noise for a 12th time,
could be equaled by a 12th win over the Noise by Fear next week. Dawson, however,
can brag that Fear had a head start.
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