Just picture it. The AFC East Debate, live on the JFL
Network.
At center stage is the front runner, Jerky Sanders, standing
there all confident and smiling big, despite the fact that his numbers have
dropped in recent weeks and it’s becoming clear he doesn’t have what it takes
to get the AFC East nod.
To his right, the loud and boisterous Donald Choorump. He
has no business playing fantasy football, but due to his huge success in another
field completely different from fantasy football, he thinks that it will translate
perfectly well into yet another successful venture.
“I’m here to win,” he states. “I’ll surround myself with
great players and we’ll do great things.”
Then, there’s Jammer Bush. … Stop giggling. … When you think
of the JFL Super Bowl, you think Jammers. He’s been there before. Five times in
all, with a pair of titles to gloat about — and there was no recount needed to
win the second one. He also has a major grudge against the people in the AFC
Middle East and he’s ready to go to war to prove that Houserville has weapons
of self-destruction. Turns out, this time, Mr. Bush was right, as Jamaal Charles self-destructed last week.
And lastly, off to the far right, is Mike Parkerbee. He’s
just crazy because he thinks all his players are gifts from God; he thinks
trading within the division is a sin; and he thinks that players are precious
from the moment you draft them and you should not be able to drop them. Yes,
he’s a weirdo. It’s clear, at 1-4, Parkerbee is just two weeks away from
returning to his weekly spot on FoxNews.
The other candidates, well, after five weeks, they’re all in
the hunt for the AFC East division title with winning records.
Houserville, at 4-1, owns the only other winning record in
the AFC, holding a two-game lead in the AFC Middle East.
In the NFC, the picture is rather similar, as Chalupa is 4-1
in an NFC East division filled with losing records, while the NFC West boasts
three teams at 3-2 — Jersey Bombers, Graybill’s Generals and Team Boyer.
Week 6 features only one matchup between winning teams as
3-2 Choo takes on 4-1 Houserville.
The Ville has won four straight, but losing Jamaal Charles
last week will be a huge hit if the handcuffs can’t take over, as Dawson has
both backup KC running backs. He needs that because the waiver wire is pretty
bare when it comes to running backs.
Choo already scooped up the best back of the year early in
the season, grabbing free agent Dion Lewis who has quietly been the No. 9 RB in
the JFL, and that’s strange to write considering the fact that he’s a New
England Patriot.
He scored 16.9 points — his fourth double-digit outing in
four games — to lead Choo to 119.6-75.6 win over the Noise. Blake Bortles also
had a huge week, scoring 40.1, and he moves up to No. 8 overall at QB (as I
throw a palm to my forehead). Altogether, Choo got double-digits from everyone
but his defense and kicker. Yes, Cairo Santos went from a 27-point week to a
3-point week. What a Jerk.
Speaking of Jerks, he lucked out for the second week in a
row, winning a low-scoring matchup as he had just 69 points, propelling him to
4-1. That puts him in the JFL’s top one-percent, which makes you wonder why Jerky
Sanders is always looking to get everyone on equal footing.
ALMOST EQUAL, BUT NOT
QUITE
Philly Cheese Steaks woke up Monday feeling good. With
Antonio Gates left for the News Team, there was no way he’d lose.
Or not. A 24-point night pushed the News Team to a 93-92.2
win over the Steaks, who can only wonder why he benched Sam Bradford.
WHAT’S COOKING?
Something smells good over there in the NFC. What could it
be?
Oh, it’s just your tasty 4-1 Chalupa, who once again rode
the Rivers to victoryville. The Buccaneers defense got him 14 points and Rivers
scored 29 to hand the Generals a 79.1-52.8 loss.
The Generals benched a boat-load of points and has to be
wondering where he went wrong last week. I don’t think we’ll see the No. 1 TE
in football benched for much longer.
BROWN BOMBS AWAY
Man, I really thought picking up Josh McCown to replace
injured Big Ben was a mistake. As it turns out, it’s the best move he could
have made. Hell, I should have made that move to bench Stafford.
McCown had 30.5 points two weeks ago and he added 44.7 this
week to lift the Bombers to a 105.5-92.3 win over the Toasters, who is the
hard-luck loser scored 92.3 points. The Bombers have now won two straight and
seem to be cruising now that Le’Veon Bell is smoking defenders rather than
weed.
If Jerky Sanders was President, both would be legal.
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