Get ready for a rant.
It’s coming.
And, it’s here.
What the heck, fantasy sports. I’ve really had enough of you
lately.
For those of you who do not play baseball, you’ll be happy
to know that my team week after week posted great pitching numbers, but 8 times
out of my first 11 matchups, I faced teams with a 2.80 ERA or less.
If you don’t play baseball, let me give you an analogy —
it’s like facing a team that has a kicker go for 27 points 8 of 11 weeks.
Now, fast forward to my fantasy hockey matchup last week. My
goalies posted a 5-1 record with 171 saves, two shutouts, an 0.83 GAA and a
97.1 save percentage. Against most teams in the league, that would have led to
a 6-0 sweep of goaltending stats. Instead, my opponent went 6-2 with 222 saves,
two shutouts. In all, I won GK stats 3-2-1 but lost the overall matchup 8-6.
Annoying.
Now, let’s look at football.
In the JFL, the most points allowed by a single team — a
stat you really can only control if you make the schedules, which I do — is
619.7 by yours truly.
The second-most allowed is 594.3, by the World of Noise.
I know what you’re thinking, that’s only 25 worse, but lets
jump to the third-worst points against figure.
It’s 511.5, and nine teams have figures in the 400s.
On average, I’m giving up 103.3 points per week.
On the flip side, Choo is leading the JFL in points for with
549.4 (91.6 per week), and I’m sitting not far behind at 544 (90.6).
Meanwhile, the Jerk, and I mean, the Freaking Jerk, is 5-1
with 506.7 points (84.5) scored. He’s got that record because he’s allowed an AFC-low
443 points (73.8). That’s 30 points a week less than I’ve faced.
Now, I get it, sometimes you’re going to run up against the
week’s best team, but how many times will I have to slam my laptop closed on a
Sunday because a kicker goes for 27 and Antonio Freeman joins his QB for 53 points
on a Thursday? How many times will I have a QB score 47 points and it’s not
even 45 percent of my total, yet I lose?
Fantasy, you frustrate me, and I had to vent. Where’s Dr.
Brown when I need him?
THE FIVE-WIN TEAMS
You’ve already heard about the Jerk. You know why he’s 5-1
after his slim 75.3-74.2 win over Fear and Loathing. Houserville also is 5-1
with similar points for and against numbers on the season, and he, too, won a close battle against
Choo 85.4-81.2.
For the Choo, it was a tough-luck week as Dion Lewis finally
fell into single digits, while his benched RBs scored plenty of points to send
the Ville packing. If it weren’t for a pair of 20-point performances from his
WRs, Houserville would be staring at his first loss since Week 1.
Instead, he has five straight wins and he’s rolling heading
into the second half of the season with a two-game lead over the Noise.
SLACKISH
It’s a new comedy coming to the JFL Network on Sunday
nights. It features Parker Dunbar, who drafted Martavis Bryant and benched him
after he returned from his suspension.
After 29.7 points were scored on the bench in a 75.5-61.5
loss to Jawz Attack, everyone is laughing at this new hit sitcom.
You may defend Parker by saying, “Well, Big Ben wasn’t
there.”
And then I would counter with, “Well then why did he start
Heath Miller?”
Someone press the generic laughter button.
NEWS TEAM!
DISASSEMBLE!
All week, News Team has been looking to move his backup QB,
which is funny given that on Sunday he failed to simply move an inactive running back
to the bench.
The big zero nearly cost him but he was somehow able to hold
on and win 84.6-82 over Chalupa.
That’s right, Nick, you won. Congrats. I’m sure you’re just
finding out now that you won two in a row.
At 3-3, maybe this isn’t the time to give up on the 2015
season. The big offseason trade handcuffed him big time, but he’s still winning.
If he can turn Newton into a decent offensive weapon — that
or receive charity from Jerk — he’ll be in contention for a playoff spot for
sure.
Man, Jerk. He says he didn’t double-check his check, but in
the moments after News Team accepted, all of us could only wonder if Jerk
momentarily became Jerkprah.
“You get a Kar – los Williams, and you get a Kar – los
Williams! Everyone gets a Kar!”
ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS
The Jersey Bombers are 4-2, tied atop his division with Team
Boyer, and I just can’t figure it out.
Yes, Le’Veon Bell is a fantasy stud — although he had only
8.8 this week — but the rest of this lineup that won this week is comprised of
Josh McCown, Lamar Miller, Travis Benjamin and Gary Barnidge.
If at season’s start, I gave you those four names as draft
targets, you would have laughed about my plans to win with them.
Nevertheless, they helped the Bombers beat the proud new
Papa Money easily.
ONE DIRECTION
The boy band is breaking up and so are the Cheese Steaks.
Since starting 2-1, the Steaks have been heading in one direction, and that’s
south. With three straight losses, he’s sent three guys packing with hopes to
turn things around. Not sure if those three acquired players will help, but we'll see.
On the other side of his loss this week is Team Boyer who
won his fourth straight since starting 0-2 despite ridiculous Tom Brady
outings.
Well, Brady continued to play well with another 32.5 points
and it was one of five double-digit performances in an easy 105.1-78.9 win.
Comments