I never got around to finishing the week-by-week records
because honestly, it’s an arduous task. I almost found an easy way to do it in
Excel until I remembered that the two-week matchup stats around the All-Star
Break skew everything. There is no Excel formula to say "max in column except that All-Star Break week."
So, here we are at the All-Star Break in 2016 with no
week-by-week records.
But, I think it’s safe to say that Vandelay’s 26 home runs
last week were a JLB record.
It just has to be.
And yes, I wrote 26 and meant 26. No typo. Vandelay absolutely mashed
the ball last week, batting .320 with 57 runs, 26 homers and 46 RBIs en route
to a 15-3-4 shellacking of Big Ol’ Country Breakfast.
Sam’s eggs were scrambled, his bacon was burnt to a crisp
and his hash browns were tossed on the floor because nobody respects Sam-I-Am and his green eggs and ham.
Yes, the homers were just one category, but they stood out like a red fish next to a blue fish and that one fish who did the most mashing was Giancarlo Stanton who smacked five of 26 homers.
The second guy used to play with a guy who has a fish name, and ... (Hey, Crox on a box with a fox in socks, you better close your eyes here because the next name will hit you like a bag of rocks) … that was Mark
Trumbo who contributed with four more.
Wednesday was the big day for Vandelay as he totaled nine homers, which was reminiscent of April 16 when the Slammers hit eight
in one day. Ah, I love to reminisce. It's much better than living in the present where I win a matchup and still drop to 20.5 games out of the second wild card.
Vandelay, on the other hand, put seven games between himself and fourth place in the National League.
Steroid fell to 12.5 games out of the last wild card. It's not over yet, but Vandelay is setting the thermostat to 32. He's looking to ice this ASAP.
BACK TO THE FUTURES
It was around this time in 2010 that I sat in the Reading
Eagle newsroom watching the Futures Game. Some dude named Mike Trout stole the
show going 2-for-4. I immediately picked him up. … I then traded him for a
much-needed piece a year later that helped me win the 2011 World Series title.
That piece happened to be a closer, but when you win by a save, it’s somewhat
worth it.
OK, so maybe not, but I can at least justify it somewhat.
Choo, who acquired Mike Trout in said deal and later flipped him
to the Otto Parts, went on a Futures Game bender Sunday scooping up any player
with a hit in the game who wasn’t already on a JLB roster. I think he’s even
trying to trade for those who are already on rosters.
He has Futures fever, which is odd considering he’s in first
place and the future is now. I’ve called an old friend, Dr. Brown, who isn’t
seeing fantasy patients anymore, but he believes Choo is suffering from schizophantasia
[SKITZ-zo-FAN-tah-SEE-ah]. It’s a peculiar bi-polar disorder where one can at one moment
believe he is a first-place team and seconds later believe he is in last place
with no hope of making the playoffs.
There is no cure for this, which is why I’m looking to help raise
awareness by declaring the Monday of All-Star Break a day in which we all trade
away our best players to the worst team in the division. This sort of charity
should shed new light on this horrible disease. Will you stand up for Choo?
SUNDAY BUMDAY
Think Outs is just chillin’ with his big lead? Think again.
Only the Outs would sit down on a Sunday evening in July and decide to bench one of the
best pitchers in the game because he didn’t want to lose any extra categories.
He was satisfied with the 13-8-1 win.
Had he started Bumgarner (and Rondon) he would have won
16-5-1, perhaps even 17-4-1 if he took over WHIP. I don’t feel like doing the
math right now, but 0.22 over 9 innings could have pushed him over the top.
Yes, those wins would have been nice, but he played it safe
and took his 13 and went home.
I imagine he’s also good at Blackjack.
“A nine and an ace for the gentleman in first place in the
National League,” says the dealer.
“I’ll stay.”
Good call.
MONDAY FUNDAY
Was everyone bored on Monday? Look at these trades and
something tells me we’re not done, and by “we’re,” I of course mean “Choo.”
The dude just can’t stand to take a team from the start to
the finish. If Choo were a NASCAR driver, he’d drive a Ford for 250 laps and
trade it in for a Dodge to close out the final 250 laps.
On Monday, he pulled in the All-Star Break pit stop and got
rid of J.D Martinez, Cargo, Austin Hedges and Charlie Blackmon. He added Alex
Reyes, a former Choo, Masahiro Tanaka and Tanner Roark. I guess the Mets aren’t
the only ones worried about Noah Syndergaard.
In those deals, the Cheese Steaks got Cargo and Hedges,
Breakfast added J-Mart and the Crox snagged Charlie Blackmon.
None of the deals are true blockbusters, although, the Alex
Reyes deal could prove to be a great one for Choo down the line.
Ah, who are we kidding, Reyes won't be around that long for Choo doesn’t know how to play
Blackjack.
“A nine and an ace for the gentleman in first place in the
American League,” says the dealer.
“Can I trade you the nine for a pair of twos and a joker?
And can I give you the ace for the potential of two more aces down the line
here?”
Dealer looks around the room and leans into his two-way
radio: “Security to Table 8. Hurry.”
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