The first weekend of the NFL was rather crazy. Several games
went down to the wire with big time fantasy players getting some big time
points during that crunch time.
Four NFL games were decided by one point and two were
decided by two points. (Technically three were decided by two points, but the
Colts threw the ball around on a kickoff forever to try and have a miracle
runback and it led to a safety with no time left, making it a four-point win
for Detroit.)
Outside those games, there were four other NFL games that
were within a touchdown.
That’s 11 of 16 games that really went down to the wire.
That’s why it was weird to watch the Eagles have one of the
more lopsided victories of the weekend, beating the laughable Cleveland Browns
29-10.
Carson Wentz looked great for a rookie and made Chalupa
Batman look like a genius — he benched Philip Rivers for Wentz at the last
minute. Wentz went for 25.6 points, while Rivers scored just 18.9, and those
extra points helped him pull out the 105.6-95 win over the World of Noise, who
benched his second-round draft pick, Alshon Jeffery (11.3 points). It really
would not have made a difference, but still, interesting choice.
But I digress, back to the close games.
The craziest thing about all those close NFL games is that
the JFL mirrored the NFL.
The Sunday Slackers just squeaked out a win 87.1-86.2 over
the Cheese Steaks, who got 31.8 points from Big Ben on Monday night, but needed
just 1 more point.
Choo trailed the Generals 88.1-86 with a defensive tackle
left to play in the second Monday Night Football game, and after the Rams’
Aaron Donald got himself ejected, Choo wound up losing 88.1-86.6.
Jawz also trailed by a similar score, 87.4-85.5 to Team
Boyer heading into the final MNF game, and he too had a Rams defensive player, end
Robert Quinn, going. His player didn’t get ejected, but with just 0.4 points,
he may as well have gotten himself kicked out.
Real Houserville — wait, I thought he was changing his name?
— got 30.5 points from DeAngelo Williams on Monday Night to pull out an 86.4-81
win, which compared to the others was a nice, comfy LazyBoy cushion.
Two other matchups were decided by 10 points or less, so it
was rather crazy in Week 1. With both the Choo and Jawz losing by such a slim
margin, it’s crazy to think that had they won their matchups, the AFC would
have gone 7-1 vs. the NFC.
Instead, the AFC will have to just stick with the 5-3 mark,
and as predicted, the AFC East looks primed to be a dogfight all season long.
LUCKY BREES
Two QBs in particular had quite the Week 1 performances
scoring the necessary points to flip their matchups upside down.
Fear and Loathing got 47.1 points from the QB that led him
to Super Bowl IX two years ago, and after a year of injury, it was great for
Fear to get the old Andrew Luck back. Added with double-digit performances from
RBs Matt Forte (16.5) and Latavius Murray (13.4), he was able to take down the
unbeatable Channel 4 News Team.
Unbeatable and 0-1 after a 103.5-88.9 loss.
Now, I said I didn’t personally think he was unbeatable; I
wrote that he was a contender, and he still should be. He won’t face a QB who
scored 47.1 points every week. In fact, with Cam Newton, he should be the one
putting up 40-point days more often than the opponent.
Still, a dent in the armor puts him in the hole 0-1.
The Jammers had the best QB day of the week getting 48.5
points from Drew Brees, the QB who was “finished” according to the Slackers.
He now says Brees got lucky.
Either way, the Jammers (#thirdperson) scored a Week 1 best 110.2 points to
start 1-0. Melvin Gordon, Julio Jones and Jeremy Maclin all had double-digits
to help solidify the big win.
I'm sure, according to the Slackers, my luck will soon run out.
FAN MAIL FROM JERK
The Jerk is just finishing up writing his “Get Well Soon”
letter for Jamaal Charles. He licked the envelope closed with quite the sarcastic
smile and placed it in the mail.
Fortunately, I was driving by and I wound up committing a
federal crime, but it was so worth it.
Opening the letter addressed to one “Jamaal Charles,” all I
could do was speculate what was inside.
Dear Jamaal,
I hope you are feeling
better. You’re my favorite Chief and I hope to someday run into you at a
football game. Maybe we could play a game of catch? Did your Dad ever play catch
with you? Mine didn’t either. But that’s why we can totally fulfill our dreams
with a few crisp spirals tossed back and forth. I just want to say that your
buddy Spencer Ware really stepped it up big time for your team and helped them win
that huge game against the Chargers. Do you hate them as much as I do? I
figured. Nobody likes the Chargers. Maybe we can have that catch even sooner.
Why don’t you skip your next couple games and come out to Macungie, Pa. I have
a spare room and we can have waffles in the morning. We can watch Spencer score
more touchdowns and then go outside to throw the football. Wouldn’t that be
great? Can’t wait to see you. Door is unlocked so just come right in.
You’re new friend,
Justin Brown
If that letter works, Jerk has himself a fun roommate and a
great fantasy back in Spencer Ware, who had 27.3 points in his 101.4-83.9 win
over the Toasters.
If that letter works, Charles has himself a creepy roommate and a lot of explaining to do to Spencer Ware when he speeds back to KC to ask for his job back.
Toasters could care less if that letter works. He already lost.
Russell Wilson did enough to lead the
Seahawks, but the 18.1 points certainly wasn’t what the Toasters was hoping
for. It’s reminiscent of the start of last season. Toasters just hopes he kicks
it into gear a little sooner than he did last year so he can win the division.
MVP’Burgh
Antonio Brown was a hot pick in most fantasy drafts around
the nation. He was taken No. 1 overall in most drafts and that’s quite
impressive considering where fantasy football was just five years ago when it
came to first round picks.
You all know me, I’ve been on the WR train since the moment
LaDainian Tomlinson left my roster. For Chalupa, he got to keep Brown in the
first round, but much later than No. 1 overall, so it was well worth it, and it
paid dividends in Week 1. With a pair of TD catches and 26.2 fantasy points, Chalupa
pulled the Monday Night comeback and beat the Noise 105.6-95.
After a touchdown and another big catch that pulled the
matchup to within 3 points, Noise texted me.
“Can Brown sprain something?” he wrote.
Seconds later, Big Ben hit Brown for yet another TD and the
score flipped in Chalupa’s favor.
I replied, “Nope.”
Craig replied, “ ------REDACTED FOR FOUL LANGUAGE------”
Would you expect anything less? No, not the Brown
performance; the Noise reaction.
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