It’s debate night so I’m feeling political. Let’s have fun.
Camera pans in on the
stage, one podium right in the middle with Jimmy’s Jargon standing behind it.
He did not shake anyone’s hand when coming on stage, nor will he ever. The
crowd applauds, as they should, and the moderator, Chris Wallace, of FoxNews starts:
“I’d like to welcome everyone to the first and only JFL
Commissioner Debate where the members of the JFL will have to decide who will be the next commissioner of the JFL. Let’s get to our first question
to our only candidate, the incumbent, Jimmy’s Jargon.”
Jimmy’s Jargon waves,
smiles, and point sarcastically at Choo, giving him that “You’re damn right I’m
going to win again” look.
Chris Wallace
continues:
“I’d like to start the debate off by asking you to address what
you think is the biggest threat to our JFL security?”
Jimmy’s Jargon smiles
and begins:
“Well, first of all, I want to thank all of the fine people
of the JFL for reading this, especially Choo, who sets aside personal time on
the hopper to make this possible.
To answer your question, I believe it’s time for us to finally talk about the issue
that is threatening the United States and our planet more than any other threat
out there.
That’s right, Choo, I’m talking climate change.
It’s happening. Don’t deny it. We have evidence right before
our eyes.
Just look at Dawson’s Creek. It’s drying up. Five straight
losses have left the bed of what was once a thriving creek as dry as Dawson’s
humor.
He doesn’t have a consistent running back. He barely has a
viable wide receiver. His QB is Kirk Cousins, who I know well and is a
tremendous human being, but let’s be serious here. He’s not a starting QB. I've seen starting QBs and let's just say, he wouldn't be my first choice.
I’ve
traveled all across his roster and really, the only thing he has going for him
right now is Gronk, but his 23.6 points were nowhere near enough to take down
Choo who barreled his way to a 140.4-73.8 win.
With point totals like that, it’s no wonder Choo denies
climate change. He just can’t look past his own team to see that the people of
Dawson’s Creek are suffering from it.
And it’s not just something affecting Dawson’s Creek. Just
look at our oceans. The wildlife is disappearing from the face of the Earth. Jawz
Attack is a species that was at one point selected to be the king of the JFL,
but all of a sudden, three straight losses — including an 85.5-67.2 loss to
proud papa Jerk — has Jawz at 1-5 and heading for extinction — or even worse, China.
At this point, I don’t think there’s anyone who can save
him, not even Aaron Rodgers, who once led an 0-5 team to and 8-5 record in the
JFL and …”
Chris Wallace
interjects:
“Your two minutes is up. Let’s switch topics and talk
economy.”
Jargon smiles again
and starts:
“That’s a great question, Chris. I do want to talk economy
because we have a real problem here in the JFL with money — T-Money that is.
He’s now lost four in a row and sits at 1-5 after a 103-4-65.2 loss to Team
Boyer, the Spacklers, who at 2-4 really show that the Blue Collar workers are really getting pinched here in our current economy, especially in Pennsylvania.
But not as bad as T-Money. He has a pair of running backs that have shown that they can
put up the points to lead him to victory, but it just isn’t happening. He’s
just not winning anymore. He’s not winning in trade — in fact, he’s made
no trade deals despite having no viable quarterback to start. I'm hearing he supported the
Dawson-Graybill trade deal that was thankfully vetoed, because I’ll tell you
what; that was the worst deal ever made in the history of deals. Absolutely the worst.
So, in my plan, we’ll bring T-Money back to the top where he
was just two years ago. It’s time to make T-Money great again. And I know
fantasy football. I’ve built a tremendous fantasy franchise. I’ve won billions of games
(OK, so I’m at 93 in franchise history, but I guarantee all 93 were
magnificent and as strong as Chinese steel.)
That includes my 93rd win which was a runaway against my own
brother. Drew Brees, who is a fantastic individual, scored 53 points to help me
pull out a 120.7-78.8 win. My rival Parker Dunbar doesn’t think to fondly of
Mr. Brees, but I’ll tell you what, Brees is just tremendous.”
Chris Wallace jumps
in:
“OK, well, let’s move on to the overall feeling of the JFL.
Owners are fearful of the future. Can you assure us that the JFL will continue
to grow and prosper under your commissionership?”
Jimmy’s Jargon stares
intently at Chris:
“Chris, I truly believe this is a scary time in our history. Fear is
everywhere. In fact, last week, Fear lashed out and hit me hard about not
respecting his 4-1 record. But I truly believe ignoring Fear is the right way
to go. You ignore the Fear and it suddenly goes away.
Just look at what he did this week. I ignored his comment and he scored 46.8 points. That's FORTY-SIX-POINT-EIGHT. My poll numbers are higher than that. And so was the Slackers total —
albeit just 77 points — and that moved him to 5-1, which is the most inflated 5-1
record of all time. He’s run into three straight teams that couldn’t even crack
71 points. That’s stealing wins. Fantasy football fraud at its finest. And I will not accept
the results of his matchups.
Chris Wallace interjects
again:
“Are you saying you will not support an AFC East winner
Sunday Slackers?”
Jimmy’s Jargon quickly
responds:
“Absolutely not. If he wins the division, it’s rigged.”
Chris Wallace pauses …
accepts the answer and moves on.
“Alright, let’s move on to the final topic of the night.
Military. What will you do to bolster the military and protect the JFL from
terror?”
Jimmy’s Jargon nods in
agreement and starts:
“Absolutely, and this is a serious topic. I have to work closely with
the Graybill Generals to give him the weapons he needs to win, because his
infrastructure is falling apart. On Aug. 24, at 6:44 p.m., the Generals put out
a call to sell QBs. He put out the call and nobody answered. I'm sure they'll make a movie about the 13 hours he waited for an answer. And the worst thing is, he had QBs to give and he wanted to get something back in
return to help him and the response never came. So sad. What happened next? Those QBs all broke down because we were just not providing
the Generals with the right equipment to win the war. Now, he’s 3-3 and
stagnant in the AFC West. We need to change that and invest in our Generals.
Especially now, that terror is on the rise. Last year, the
Generals were able to hold back terror and win the division, but right now,
terror is out in front. And my opponents aren't willing to say it but I will — I’m
talking about Radical Jersey Bombers. They’re 4-2 now after winning a second
straight week and making an assault on the West, the NFC West that is.
And I can tell you, if those Bombers come to my door in
January, I will defeat them, and I will do it bigly.”
Chris Wallace cocks
his head:
“Bigly? You know that’s not a word, correct.”
Jimmy’s Jargon leans
into the microphone.
“WRONG!”
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