I’ll tell you what. All weekend, I was basking in the glow
of great praise from most of the JFL members — I assume the ones who didn’t
applaud last week’s Jargon just didn’t read it.
“Brilliant.”
“Best Jargon to date.”
“Tremendous.”
“Pure [expletive] gold.”
That’s just a sampling of the reviews I got, and I have to
say, as soon as I hit PUBLISH POST, I knew it was worthy of such glory.
But then, as Monday rolled around, I started thinking about
this week. What the hell am I going to
write about this week? is what I thought.
How could I ever match what I did? There’s just too much
pressure.
It’s why, I’ve decided to retire midseason.
Oh, wait, no. That’s my sixth round draft choice who is
retiring midseason, not me. I knew when drafting Arian Foster there was that
“high risk, high reward” aspect, and the risk was injury and he certainly
hasn’t been healthy, but I never thought I’d lose him to retirement.
Fortunately, Melvin Gordon is the No. 3 RB in the JFL and
he’s making it all OK for my squad, which won another game to move to 5-2, just
one behind that basket of dropables, Sunday Slackers.
Come on, you knew I had to dip back into last week’s gold at
least once, right?
GO THE FUND AWAY
How bad do you have to be at QB to have fans create a
GoFundMe page to buyout your contract? The fans of the division-leading — yes,
they lead the division — Texans feel their QB is that bad.
Brock Osweiler is only ranked 23rd in the JFL in scoring,
averaging 17.0 points per game, and his 9 turnovers (8 INTs/1 fumble) to 8 TDs
certainly has fans upset, but the Texans are 4-3. The schedule is rather
forgiving down the stretch, too, so it’s not crazy to think that Osweiler could
take off here.
Which makes me wonder, aren’t there some players more
deserving of a GoFundMe buyout? How about Jay Cutler? Or maybe, sticking with
the Windy City, but a different sport, Jason Heyward? That guy can’t even set
up a GoFundMe to buy himself a hit in the postseason.
But I digress, I’ve strayed a little away from fantasy here,
so let’s bring it back.
I’m announcing a GoFundMe to get rid of Parker, my division
rival. I’m taking donations to pay this division leader to also quit. Like
Osweiler, he’s somewhat lucky to be leading the division for he has somehow seen
more softees than an ice cream truck driver.
Another sub-70-point total was on the other side of his
matchup this week, and whereas he’ll argue that he scored a JFL Week7-best
105.9 points this past week, I don’t care. He’s just got that schedule that
everyone wishes they could luck into, which is why we need to support the
GoFundMe. It’s time to get rid of Parker once and for all.
AYE AJAYI YI YI
Get it? Hope you read it like I did in my head. If not, oh
well. It’s gotta sound close to what my Uncle Jason said when he saw his
13th-round pick Jay Ajayi rush for 200-plus yards in back-to-back weeks … for
Team Boyer.
That’s right. Dropped and now picked up on Sept. 21 by Team
Boyer, Ajayi is the No. 9 RB in the JFL after scoring 10.2, 36.9 and 28.8
points in the last three weeks. His 214 yards and a TD this past weekend looked
to be enough to get Team Boyer a third win on the season, but Fear moved to 5-2
thanks to 9.4 points by Emmanuel Sanders on Monday night, giving him the slim
79.2-76.7 comeback win.
But back to Uncle Jason, who lost yet again despite a big
week from Aaron Rodgers, who scored more than half of his team’s points this
week. The 58.5 points were a low-point on the 2016 season that has seen him
score 67 or less in five of seven weeks. He’s more stuck in the 60s than some
of Trump’s more fervent supporters.
FAIR AND BALANCED
At 5-2, you may not have noticed — due to the lack of
coverage in the Jargon — that the News Team is looking good. Even on Cam
Newton’s bye week, he picked up a win because Todd Gurley has put Weeks 1 and 2
behind him and Frank Gore continues to defy the logic applied to over-30 RBs.
With double-digits in seven weeks, he’s consistently scoring for News Team.
He’s not putting up Ajayi numbers, but double-digits is just fine for the News
Team.
Brandin Cooks has put in back-to-back good weeks, Randall
Cobb has had three straight and Devontae Booker is looking like he could take
over in Denver.
That’s a good number of offensive threats who when combined
with the 40-point potential Cam Newton displays weekly could create the kind of
team that can win a third Super Bowl.
Doesn’t that sound nice?
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I know this wasn’t the best Jargon ever, but it was at least
OK? Right? I need something better to happen in the NFL. Something Jargon-worthy.
Maybe this week will bring that out.
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