Bad boys, bad boys,
whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you.
Ah, another episode of COPS. I’m sure this will be a good
one.
There's a police officer in the first scene driving the car who looks strangely
familiar to me as I sink deep into my couch with my cold beer. I should be
writing this week’s Jargon for the JFL, but instead, I’m going to zone out and watch
what should be a riveting episode of COPS.
* * *
The officer driving the car turned the wheel sharply as the
camera zoomed in on the right side of his face. Passing street lights paint a
familiar face behind the wheel.
“It’s another wild night here in Houserville,” the officer
said, shaking his head. “Ever since that Dawson guy moved out, we’ve been
answering crazy calls non-stop.”
At that moment, the radio crackled and a male voice echoed
through: “Charlie Henry Oscar Oscar, we have a three-sixteen in progress over
on Fifth Street.”
The officer picked up the microphone: “Choo, here, I’m en
route.”
Choo turned the car around and flipped on the sirens. The
red and blue lights flickered all over and the Noise was loud — not as loud as a 5-5 failing team, but noisy enough. After a few seconds of driving, Choo turned back to the camera briefly and started talking.
“A three-sixteen is a public disturbance, and on Fifth
Street, that’s no shocker. Probably get at least three of those a week.”
Choo pulled up alongside a gathering of scantily clad women all arguing.
He rolled down his window as a few of them took off, including one in a nurse
outfit.
“What is this? Halloween?” he said, quietly to himself.
“Hey, you, come here,” he shouted after rolling down his
window. A woman, wearing a mini-skirt that barely covered the, well, you know,
and a shirt that was equally as revealing, leaned into the car.
“Can I help you officer?”
“What’s your name, honey?”
“Snowflake.”
“OK, Snowflake, what’s going on here?” Choo asked.
“He started it,” she said pointing at a man in the shadows.
“He comes down here in that cheap Chinese rip-off NFL jersey every Sunday and
pays us all to listen to him about how great he is at fantasy. Won’t stop
bragging about this guy named … named … Zeet or Zeke. Led him to a 107 points
or something like that. Said it was his first legitimate win of the season.”
“Sounds it,” Choo said. “But you took his T-Money? I mean, his money? You know
that’s illegal, right?”
“Oh, please don’t bust me,” she cried. “I can’t go back.”
“Sorry, Snowflake,” Choo said. “I’m going to have to bring
you downtown.”
“What about creepy Zeke guy?”
“Eh, he’s doomed to lose it all at some point,” Choo said.
“Wait,” she said, quickly. “I can give you information on
that missing person.”
“Who?”
“That Jargon guy, the one all over the news,” she said.
Choo immediately got out of the car and took Snowflake aside
to ask her a few questions. The cameras tried to zoom in to get a good look,
but the video was blurry, and the audio was even worse. It was as bad as a Philly Cheese Steak draft strategy. After a few minutes,
Choo returned to his cruiser and sped off.
He addressed the camera in the back seat as he drove away: “This could be a
huge break. Two weeks ago, this Jargon guy went missing. His friends were abuzz
trying to find him. They thought he may have gotten caught up in the election
coverage, but when that was over, he still did not resurface. Snowflake seems
to think he may be in this alley a few towns over in Dottsville. It’s a much
better town than Houserville. How much better? I’d say on a scale of 1 to 6
wins, Dottsville is a six, Houserville is a three. But I digress. She seems to
believe there’s something important in this alley”
Choo was silent the rest of the way, almost showing some
concern, and he quickly jumped out of his vehicle upon arrival. Gun drawn, he
entered the alley. The cameras lost him for a brief moment before he came
stumbling out with his arm across his face, covering his nose.
“Ugh, god,” he snapped, reaching for his radio. “Radio, this
is Choo, come in, Radio.”
“Don’t call me Radio, Unit 91,” the voice said.
“Shut up, Farva. Call homicide and get them down here ASAP.”
Choo walked back into the alley and the cameras followed
this time.
“Oh my god,” a voice said, presumably the camera operator.
“What the hell is that!? Looks like it went 12 rounds with Ray Rice in an elevator”
Choo grimaced and turned to the camera. “That is the
Jargon’s love for the NFL.”
The camera faded to black as the CB radio crackled some
more. A red and blue glow swirled on the screen as the COPS logo slowly faded
in.
* * *
Well, that was weird. I guess it makes sense. I haven’t
watched an NFL game in three weeks. It’s just so tough anymore. Part of it had
to do with a few business trips, but man, I’d just rather paint walls. Seriously,
that’s what I did over watching a game this weekend.
My running back and tight end could have done the same,
because they just sat back and watched Doug Baldwin score 3 TDs on Sunday night.
That doomed my fantasy team this week as I lost to my Uncle Jason, who is my
JFL bugaboo. I don’t have many losing records vs. franchises, but my 4-7 record
against him is baffling.
Last year, his slim 0.2-point win kept me from the playoffs.
Will this do the same?
At 6-4, I’m certainly not guaranteed a spot with Choo and
the Snowflakes a game behind at 5-5. Yes, Snowflakes. Apparently the Jerk needs
to call an electrician to fix a short fuse and until then, he'll be without the power to play fantasy football. In his stead, our buddy
Sam will swoop in and take over a team that can still make the playoffs in the
AFC.
The Slackers, behind 42-some points from his No. 1 overall pick,
moved to 9-1 and is potentially a win away from locking up the No. 1 seed in
the AFC. He’s already locked up a playoff spot and is a win away from securing
the division title.
Fear and Loathing, at 7-3 after a loss to Choo, can lock up
the AFC Middle East title with a win and some help, too.
The Jersey Bombers, also 7-3 after a loss to Chalupa, can
lock up the NFC West with a win and some help, as well.
The NFC East is the only division that can’t be wrapped up
this week, but with the one-game lead and a two-game winning streak, the
Toasters have to be happy at this point. Last season, this was about the point
where Russell Wilson took off. After three straight weeks of no TDs, he all of
a sudden has six in the last two weeks, scoring 33 and 35.6 points.
This is exactly what the Toasters needs to stave off the
Chalupa over the final four weeks. Dare I say, it will be a food fight?
Oh, man. Someone call Officer Choo. I just killed it.
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