Silence covered the bland room like a fresh snow in an empty
field. The stares were cold and the sighs were gusts of wind that disturbed the
peace every so often.
Finally, the therapist broke the deadlock.
“So, how does this all make you feel?”
“Me?” Matt Carpenter asked.
“Yes, Matt, you go first.”
“Well,” he said, holding on to Choo’s hand tightly. “I just
wish he would appreciate me for who I am. I just —”
“That’s not true!” Choo interrupted. “I just get bored.”
“Please don’t interrupt him,” the therapist said. “Go ahead,
Matt.”
“See, this is what I’m talking about. Every time I speak,
it’s a war to get all my words—”
“War? Speaking of war… Have you seen his WAR? It’s nothing
like the 6.4 it was years ago.”
“Is that all you see in me? My sabermetrics?”
Both Matt and the therapist waiting for a response, but it
didn’t come.
“Are you looking at your phone again?” Matt asked angrily.
“Let me see that!”
Matt snagged the phone out of his hands and read the texts
aloud.
“Can’t wait to rack up the K’s for you, love, Robbie Ray!?
You’re leaving me for Robbie Ray? It’s one thing to send me away for David
Price and Nolan Arenado. But Robbie freaking Ray? That’s it. I’m done.”
Matt threw down his Cardinals hat and stormed out of the
room.
“Should I keep you guys scheduled in for next month?” the
therapist asked Choo.
“Yeah, sure, he’ll be back.”
Ah, couples therapy. It’s supposed to be confidential, but
in this case, it’s all over the news.
CHOO AND MATT SPLIT AGAIN
It’s the kind of thing you just know isn’t “Fake News”
because we seen it way too many times before: Matt Carpenter getting traded — specifically, Choo trades
Matt Carpenter.
For years, Carpenter was an Out. Of course, he was an Out
during his MVP-like season — he finished fourth in MVP voting in 2013 after
battling .318 with an MLB-best 126 runs, 199 hits and 55 doubles.
Outs had him in 2014 and shipped him out in the offseason,
and then, the wondrous travels of an unwanted Carpenter began.
On Feb. 24, 2015, Outs sent him to ERA.
On May 12, 2015, ERA sent him to Choo.
On May 19, 2015, Choo sent him to Slammers.
On June 26, 2015, Slammers sent him back to Choo.
On Feb. 21, 2016, Choo sent him to Ol Country.
On Aug. 1, 2016, Ol Country sent him to Cheese Steaks.
On Dec. 5, 2016, Cheese Steaks sent him to Choo.
And now, on Feb. 16, Choo sent him back to Steaks.
I’m guessing someone forgot to send Valentines. I’m sure
we’ll see the amazing couple get back together soon. They belong together.
They’re like peanut butter and jelly.
Dusty Baker and playoff flops.
Steroid and homer Pirate first-round draft picks.
Life just isn't the same when they aren't together.
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