All things considered, 2016 was a really good season for the Crox Sox taking a franchise from worst to the World Series in two years.
But don't give him praise. He doesn't want to hear it.
Last year is last year and he needs a new approach, so he says.
That approach is apparently being overly nice to everyone — almost to an absurd level. It's like the ghosts of fantasy baseball past, present and future all showed up and turned this once-Scrooge into a cuddly bear. (Don't feed him.)
The niceties have to stop, though. We can't take it. So there's only one way to poke this bear and that's with a Roast. It's what Choo, Parker and Cheese Steaks requested when I asked for a Jargon idea.
And, oh, would you look at that. The TV guide says it's coming on now! [CLICK]
There he is, Crox in his finest Trump suit, sitting on the throne at the Comedy Central Roast of Crox Sox O'Reilly. Time to watch and listen!
"... Hosted by Twitter's own Jimmy's Jargon."
"Featuring special guests: Steven "About to Get Chooed Out" Spillane ... Parker "Found His Way Out of the Basement" Dunbar ... 2016 World Series Champion Brian Walter ... Gina "Just Had A Baby" Johnson ... Brian "Looking for Butter Internet" Palmer ... Jeff "Lost The Wind in His Sale" Walter ... Jim "Ace Hoarder Ventura" Vaughn ... Kyle "Calls A Doctor if Draft Lasts Longer Than 2 Hours" Firestine ... No Country For Ol' Sam Marcinek ... Jason "Don't Bother Me I'm Getting Married/Drunk" McGuirk ... and last but not least, actual comedian Dennis Miller!"
Oh, what a lineup, this should be good.
"And here's your host, Jimmy's Jargon!"
Wait, that's me? I look good in that tuxedo. That looks to be a championship level tuxedo. However, it does appear to be a bit dusty — if I had to guess, perhaps five years worth of dust on its shoulders.
"Hello everyone and welcome to the Roast of Crox O'Reilly, I'm your Roast master Jimmy's Jargon. And we have a Jimmy-jammed packed night for you so let's get started by introducing our guest of honor. You know, we really wanted to get David Ross for this but in the seventh inning of discussions, Joe Maddon swooped in and pulled the championship caliber roast out from under our fingertips. ... So we had to go with the next best options, Crox O'Reilly."
"Hi, Crox, how are you tonight? I hope you're ready for this."
Crox nods, smiles and says thank you, lifting his drink in all directions.
"Alright, enough with the pleasantries. I'm not even sure why you're here. I knew Comedy Central was running out of ideas when they made a spinoff of Workaholics called 'The Other Cubicle' but my god are they desperate to roast someone like you. I mean look at you... You look like Russell Crowe when he was told that his career was an utter failure."
"It's an appropriate comparison, too, considering the fact he starred in Robin Hood. Crox has been giving away to the poor all offseason. He robbed Choo of Wilson Contreras (giving him Gary Sanchez) and immediately handed Contreras over to Poor Parker. He also gifted Jon Lester to the Steaks."
"That was so nice of him. I'd say we make his next birthday party Robin Hood themed, but he'd think it's a party for a four-year-old and get black-out drunk."
"Speaking of which, I hear you like to brew beer, Crox. That's great. If your brewing is anything like you play fantasy baseball, I'm sure your seasonal summer ale tastes rather strong while your Octoberfest lager comes out a little flat."
"You know, Joe Maddon brews beer, too. He's actually honoring you and his old catcher David Ross with a celebration porter. He's calling it 'Crox's Last Second Ross.'"
"I see you traded out of the first round this year. Makes sense after last year's debacle. You know you make a huge mistake when the Jacksonville Jaguars giggle at your pick."
"I see Outs is here. Nice of you to join us. A two-time champion after last season, congrats to you. Although, I'm surprised you're here. I would expect you to be at your parents house asking them why did they stop at two brothers? If only there was a third or fourth Walter brother to get a top-ranked positional player from."
"McGuirk is here, which is surprising, too. Invites went out a month ago and I never heard back."
"And there's the Sex Panthers, holding her newborn son. Isn't that sweet. You know, with maternity leave during the World Baseball Classic, she's had plenty of chances to work on her international scouting. She now has a 15 percent chance of not making another Byung Ho Park selection in the first round."
"Firestine. How you doing Mr. Bomber? Want to trade Paul Goldschmidt yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? You need to rebuild. Now the time. Trade me Goldschm — Oh, wait, sorry, that's not my joke. It's AT&T's log of text messages from Choo to you over the last month."
"Hello, Cheese Steaks. Everyone give him a round of applause. Look at that 2015 champion right there. You know, I saw him roll up today in a taxi outside this fine venue and try to pay the driver with AARP checks he stole from several of his keepers."
"Ah, but let's get back to Crox, the man of the hour. Thought I forgot about you buddy, didn't you? Well, I had a few more great jokes that surely would have been winners, but Joe Maddon is here with the early hook to bring up our next roaster, Dennis Miller."
Miller stands up, takes microphone from Jimmy's Jargon to a smattering of applause.
"Hello, hello. Crox, so you think you're a big deal. You scored yourself an American League title. The last time I saw someone explode like that, I had to pay $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day. I'm not sure how you plan to win this year. Your lineup has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts. I haven't seen someone so overmatched in drafting first rounders since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet. Why the hell did you immediately trade Wilson Contreras? He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O'Donnell's house. Injuries have hit your pitching staff hard and now your starters are shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks."
"And Choo. You and Jerry Dipoto share something in common, and that is you two would rival the Carthaginians for greatest traders of all-time. You go through fantasy players like King Henry VIII went through wives."
Jimmy's Jargon swoops back in and steals the microphone.
"Sorry, Dennis. I have to cut you short. You're confusing the hell out of Parker Dunbar with these sophisticated jokes. He's more of a knock-knock guy."
But don't give him praise. He doesn't want to hear it.
Last year is last year and he needs a new approach, so he says.
That approach is apparently being overly nice to everyone — almost to an absurd level. It's like the ghosts of fantasy baseball past, present and future all showed up and turned this once-Scrooge into a cuddly bear. (Don't feed him.)
The niceties have to stop, though. We can't take it. So there's only one way to poke this bear and that's with a Roast. It's what Choo, Parker and Cheese Steaks requested when I asked for a Jargon idea.
And, oh, would you look at that. The TV guide says it's coming on now! [CLICK]
There he is, Crox in his finest Trump suit, sitting on the throne at the Comedy Central Roast of Crox Sox O'Reilly. Time to watch and listen!
"... Hosted by Twitter's own Jimmy's Jargon."
"Featuring special guests: Steven "About to Get Chooed Out" Spillane ... Parker "Found His Way Out of the Basement" Dunbar ... 2016 World Series Champion Brian Walter ... Gina "Just Had A Baby" Johnson ... Brian "Looking for Butter Internet" Palmer ... Jeff "Lost The Wind in His Sale" Walter ... Jim "Ace Hoarder Ventura" Vaughn ... Kyle "Calls A Doctor if Draft Lasts Longer Than 2 Hours" Firestine ... No Country For Ol' Sam Marcinek ... Jason "Don't Bother Me I'm Getting Married/Drunk" McGuirk ... and last but not least, actual comedian Dennis Miller!"
Oh, what a lineup, this should be good.
"And here's your host, Jimmy's Jargon!"
Wait, that's me? I look good in that tuxedo. That looks to be a championship level tuxedo. However, it does appear to be a bit dusty — if I had to guess, perhaps five years worth of dust on its shoulders.
"Hi, Crox, how are you tonight? I hope you're ready for this."
Crox nods, smiles and says thank you, lifting his drink in all directions.
"It's an appropriate comparison, too, considering the fact he starred in Robin Hood. Crox has been giving away to the poor all offseason. He robbed Choo of Wilson Contreras (giving him Gary Sanchez) and immediately handed Contreras over to Poor Parker. He also gifted Jon Lester to the Steaks."
"That was so nice of him. I'd say we make his next birthday party Robin Hood themed, but he'd think it's a party for a four-year-old and get black-out drunk."
"Speaking of which, I hear you like to brew beer, Crox. That's great. If your brewing is anything like you play fantasy baseball, I'm sure your seasonal summer ale tastes rather strong while your Octoberfest lager comes out a little flat."
"You know, Joe Maddon brews beer, too. He's actually honoring you and his old catcher David Ross with a celebration porter. He's calling it 'Crox's Last Second Ross.'"
"I see you traded out of the first round this year. Makes sense after last year's debacle. You know you make a huge mistake when the Jacksonville Jaguars giggle at your pick."
"I see Outs is here. Nice of you to join us. A two-time champion after last season, congrats to you. Although, I'm surprised you're here. I would expect you to be at your parents house asking them why did they stop at two brothers? If only there was a third or fourth Walter brother to get a top-ranked positional player from."
"McGuirk is here, which is surprising, too. Invites went out a month ago and I never heard back."
"And there's the Sex Panthers, holding her newborn son. Isn't that sweet. You know, with maternity leave during the World Baseball Classic, she's had plenty of chances to work on her international scouting. She now has a 15 percent chance of not making another Byung Ho Park selection in the first round."
"Firestine. How you doing Mr. Bomber? Want to trade Paul Goldschmidt yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? You need to rebuild. Now the time. Trade me Goldschm — Oh, wait, sorry, that's not my joke. It's AT&T's log of text messages from Choo to you over the last month."
"Hello, Cheese Steaks. Everyone give him a round of applause. Look at that 2015 champion right there. You know, I saw him roll up today in a taxi outside this fine venue and try to pay the driver with AARP checks he stole from several of his keepers."
"Ah, but let's get back to Crox, the man of the hour. Thought I forgot about you buddy, didn't you? Well, I had a few more great jokes that surely would have been winners, but Joe Maddon is here with the early hook to bring up our next roaster, Dennis Miller."
Miller stands up, takes microphone from Jimmy's Jargon to a smattering of applause.
"Hello, hello. Crox, so you think you're a big deal. You scored yourself an American League title. The last time I saw someone explode like that, I had to pay $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day. I'm not sure how you plan to win this year. Your lineup has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts. I haven't seen someone so overmatched in drafting first rounders since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet. Why the hell did you immediately trade Wilson Contreras? He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O'Donnell's house. Injuries have hit your pitching staff hard and now your starters are shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks."
"And Choo. You and Jerry Dipoto share something in common, and that is you two would rival the Carthaginians for greatest traders of all-time. You go through fantasy players like King Henry VIII went through wives."
Jimmy's Jargon swoops back in and steals the microphone.
"Sorry, Dennis. I have to cut you short. You're confusing the hell out of Parker Dunbar with these sophisticated jokes. He's more of a knock-knock guy."
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