The two-time champion has some swagger, and why not? He’s keeping a fantasy baseball gold mine.
Hell, if you split his keepers into two and gave the other half to an expansion team, both owners would still be smiling.
It’s just the kind of team that I would go to bed giggling about know that it was going to just break all sorts of JLB records.
But has his team gotten so good that it's no longer fun?
“I rarely giggle anymore,” Outs said. “At anything. Not even at Slip 'N Slide fail videos. My team has always been ridiculously good. I have two championships. I believe I have finished first place in my division every year but two, and one of those years I was like a half game behind. What does make me laugh is how much Choo trades and revamps his lineup every three weeks.”
What if what Choo does is fun? He seems to enjoy it. If you’re not giggling anymore, maybe you’re not having fun?
Why don’t you try Choo's approach? You can start by trading Trout to me if you’d like. I’ll even take Kris Bryant if you can’t stand to trade Trout.
Ah, you know what. How about I just go straight to your Assistant GM, little William Getty Walter. I’m sure he’ll work with me.
Or not.
“Lil' Will, as he is known among his cousins, has not yet dabbled in the front office dealings of the Outs,” Brain said. “He has, however, once torn up some Excel spreadsheets for draft day. I expect the same this year.”
Well, thank god Fantrax has automatic spreadsheets, am I right?
Then again, I’m guessing the Outs’ spreadsheets are far superior. I mean, what the hell happens in your Excel program that it spits out stuff like: “Draft Kris Bryant in the first round” and “Keep Kyle Hendricks, you won’t regret it.”
I need that version of Excel.
I’m guessing after looking at your amazing 3x5 card of keepers and finding one name on it that made me cock my head — Robert Gsellman — I should know better than to question it.
Last year, I wondered about Hendricks and look what he became.
I’m sure Gsellman wins the Cy Young this year.
“If I told you that Gsellman — or however you spell is name — is my next ace that I pulled out of nowhere, then I would have to lie because I do not know,” Outs said, humbly. “I did know about Kluber and Hendricks and McCullers, who I was sad to trade but pretty much forced to. Go look it up. Keepers before they got big. Yep. In all honesty, it's a crap-shoot just like most of this stuff.”
If it’s a crap-shoot, you’re a Navy S.E.A.L. crap-sniper.
Make that a crap-sniper with a bucket full of wit.
“Out of my vet pitchers, I would say probably my best is of course Kenny Powers. You're Freaking Out!”
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