I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people
like me.
Six teams are happily looking in the mirror on Monday and
talking to a winner on the other end.
In fact, the standings look like 2016 if you were to look at
them in a mirror. Everything is backward.
All six top-3 teams are non-playoff teams from a year ago,
meaning all six playoff teams from last year are not in playoff position.
It’s the start of Week 3, so yes, no reason to panic for
those teams, but there were some blowout wins by the Vandelay (15-4-3 over
Crox), Lebowski (12-5-5 over Gamblers) and Slammers (15-5-2 over Choo) that have certainly sent a few teams in the panic room over the weekend.
And while those blowout wins were impressive in some ways, none were as impressive as the Sex Panthers
12-8-2 win over the Outs. A rally on Sunday cut the deficit to 4, as this was a
16-4-2 rout to start the day.
In either case, a win is a win, and the Outs don’t let that
happen much lately. He lost only once last year, a 14-6-2 setback to Choo, and
it’s only his second regular-season loss since June 12, 2015, when he lost to
Vandelay 14-7-1.
“This is the most surprising result I’ve seen since entering
this League,” the Cheese Steaks said in a press release read by Vean
(pronounced Vaughn) Spicer.
“I have no words,” said a depressed Big League Choo, who
apparently had four words to submit to me.
The big loss is great news for
me as I get to run up against the Outs this week. He hasn’t lost back-to-back
matchups since Aug. 10, 2014.
But let’s not focus on the Outs' loss. As Parker and his
Fantrax boyfriend would agree, we’ve talked about Outs way too much in recent
weeks.
Way too much ink for a fifth-place team right now.
Instead, let’s talk about the first place teams.
I’M SEXY AND YOU KNOW
IT
The Sex Panthers are a team to look out for. I said it at
the beginning of the season and got laughed at by a few select JLB members, and
now they’re seeing it in action.
With the 300-RBI outfield (Yes, Matt Kemp went to the DL so
it’s just 200 right now), this team will hit with the best of them, and it did
this week.
She out-powered the Outs with more homers and RBIs thanks to
another three bombs by Khris Davis, who batted .294 for the week with 4 RBIs.
He’s now batting .340 with 6 HRs and 8 RBIs. With four solo homers, he just
needs to have the A’s start hitting in front of him.
Jose Ramirez has picked up where he left off last season,
batting .384 in the early going, but his .524 average last week with 2 doubles,
2 HRs and 8 RBIs were big in the Sex Panthers win.
Hunter Pence added a .346 average with 4 RBIs and Asdrubal
Cabrera hit 2 HRs with 5 RBIs.
All in all, it’s a decent lineup that is going to help the
Panthers win more matchups here in the future.
That said, it did help a bit that Kris Bryant (.182),
Starling Marte (.172), Jonathan Villar (.154) and Rougned Odor (.115) all hit
in the 100s last week, but hey, some of this is luck, right?
Parker is sitting there right now wondering where the hell
was that cold streak in Week 1?
GRAND SLAMDELAY
INDUSTRIES
Seriously, two grand slams. Usually, you’re in pretty good
shape if you get one.
But two? Well, I’m just imagining a special jig Vandelay did
over the weekend to celebrate.
Marcel Ozuna and Maikel Franco each cleared the bases with
homers this week and they combined for six of Vandelay’s 14 HRs in a 15-4-3
rout of the Crox.
Ozuna batted .435 with 4 HRs and 12 RBIs, while real-life
and Vandelay teammate Giancarlo Stanton hit 3 HRs and drove in 6.
It was just that kind of week on offense for Vandelay, who
took 10 of 11 categories and missed out on doubles by a 13-12 count.
Pitching in this matchup was not pretty, but Vandelay did
just well enough to pick up 5 wins and a pair of ties to ensure the big
victory.
Perhaps Vandelay's rebuild is complete, after what? ... Three months?
Now, Vandelay sits in a first-place tie (according to win
percentage) with the new guy, Little Lebowski, and as luck would have it, the
two are facing each other in Week 3.
SITTING STILL,
SITTING PRETTY
Somewhere in the Burgh, Jason McGuirk is laughing on Monday.
Let me rephrase that...
Trade Harper, they
said. Trade Machado, they said. Trade Miggy, they said. What are you doing? Who
is this guy and why did he get it?
Well, maybe, just maybe, his patience paid off.
Miggy, Machado and Harper combined for 5 HRs and 17 RBIs
last week. Even better for McJerk, his Trout Trio (that’s what I’m going to
call Harper, Margo and Duvall from now on so put it to memory) combined for 4
HRs and 13 RBIs.
Altogether, Lebowski’s squad batted .292 for the week as he
took seven batting categories, and thanks to 9 quality starts that were
slightly better than the Gamblers’ 9, he took walks, strikeouts, ERA and WHIP
(as well as saves) to pick up the five pitching wins need to take the matchup
12-5-5.
At this rate, I have a feeling when we start to see McJerk
make some trades, it’s not going to be selling off the big three; it’s going to
be bolstering the lineup around them.
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