The JFL season is underway! Seven teams won. Seven teams lost. I was, of course, one of the winners, so it’s time for a Week 1 Jargon recap.
“But Jimmy, you know nothing about the NFL,” says Jason Weston, referring to my JFL preseason preview debacle.
You know what, you’re right, Uncle Jay. Who the hell am I to do an NFL recap.
It’s time to go to the bench for this one. I’m going to call on my good buddy, ESPN sideline reporter Sergio Dipp, to take over.
Without any more delay, I give you, JFL correspondent Sergio Dipp.
Thanks, folks, it’s a pleasure to be here with you guys, here on my computer blogging. Here you have Choo. There’s a lot of losing in his background on the baseball side, but on the big stage in the JFL, he won it all.
And here he is, Week 1, kicking field goals like nobody else — or Adam Vinateri who had zero points for the Slackers. Will Lutz, who was excited to set up for field goal after field goal, continued to give the Saints 3 points when they truly needed 6.
Choo, a graduate of Kutztown, clearly was happy to get every kick and he’s having the time of his life beating Parker. The 14 points were the difference in the 65.1-62.7 win.
Back to you, Mr. Jargon.
Thanks, Sergio, I’ll take it from here.
Why did the Saints keep kicking? The last FG that was clearly the difference was crazy. It didn’t do them any good.
Choo will take it.
On the other end of that is the Cheese Steaks who had to be baffled every time Lutz went out there. That was at least 6 points he was losing from his second-round QB Drew Brees. His Monday Night comeback against division favorite T-Money fell 4.3 points short.
He was also hurt by Hurricane Irma which benched wideout Mike Evans, who would have easily covered the spread plus the measly 1.8 points Adrian Peterson scored.
I lucked out that I wasn’t hurt by Irma despite losing my No. 1 draft pick Jay Ajayi. Four double-digit scorers including 39.9 from Matt $tafford was all I needed to beat Dawson’s 55.5 points.
Yes, money man $tafford came through!
It was a bit scary after a quarter and a half. I shut down my phone saying, “Dammit Stafford,” to which my wife asked, “Why the hell did you draft him again?”
She knows the history.
But I think that is just that. History. I’m excited for 2017.
Me, too, Jimmy. I’m here in 2017 right now and it looks like it’s going to be 365 days.
OK, Sergio. I said I’d take it from here.
You know who else will take it from here? Mike Gillislee. Why was he on the News Team’s bench? I wrote about him. I said I drafted him for my wife’s team after Nick got him and introduced him to me. That should tell you something. He’s going to be good.
My wife’s fantasy team is a juggernaut.
Despite the three benched TDs, News Team survived against the defending Super Bowl Champ Fear and Loathing. But it was close and Nikish had to be holding his breath when Dalvin Cook broke free down the right sideline with minutes left on Monday.
If it wasn’t for a last-second tackle by the Saints defense — one of the few tackles they managed — Cook would have run another 15 yards and scored. Fantasy value would have been 1.5 points plus 6 points plus 2 for the 40-yard TD bonus. The 9.5 points would have been the difference in the 68.7-61 win.
The other two guys that the Saints struggled to corral were Adam Thielen and Stefon Diggs, both members of the Rather Be Spacklin’ squad. In total, adding in Demaryius Thomas’ 7.7 points, the Spacklers got 47.3 points on Monday to comeback on the Generals in a 97.1-68.5 win. His rookie running back had quite the debut, too, as Leonard Fournette went for 19 points.
Maybe, just maybe, this Spackler team is going to be a major force — if Tom Brady plans on scoring more than 13 points a week.
Tom Brady was suspended last year for a couple games and as you can see, he has controversy in his background.
Yes, Sergio, yes, he sure does. That’s so ESPN of you to get stuck on that topic.
Why don’t we talk about the team that demolished him on opening night, the Kansas City Chiefs.
Alex Smith, 48.3 fantasy points. On Slackers bench.
Tyreek Hill, 24.2 fantasy points. On Dawson’s bench.
Kareem Hunt, 45.6 fantasy points. On Chalupa’s … starting lineup.
Good work, Chalupa. The rookie debuted with 246 total yards, an NFL record for a debut. Add that with 30.8 points from Carson Wentz and it didn’t matter that the rest of his team combined for 32.7 points. The Toasters lost by nearly 40 in this matchup.
That’s about the number of points Jawz expects to get from Aaron Rodgers weekly, but only 22.6 in Week 1. That allowed Noise to win 81.4-58.9 and send Jawz well on his way to 4-9.
He doesn’t like it, but I’m a man who believes in patterns, and 6-7 would make it uneven. It’s got to be 4-9 this year.
You’re right. Jason doesn’t like it. I’m up here, in Northeastern Pennsylvania standing outside his house as he reads this and he is fuming. I just heard him curse the Jargon.
Wait. Hold up. … Something is happening. The door is opening. He is coming out. He’s now out here on the grass… from here, you can watch him on your Facebook live screen. Here he is and he is having the—
Sergio?...
Sergio?...
Damn. I guess I should have told Sergio my uncle has karate in his background.
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