Peter Griffin stares at the door. It reads “DO NOT PULL” and yet — and of course — he pulls it.
This fantasy football league is full of Peter Griffins.
What the heck is wrong with you guys? How can a list of what was nine “DO NOT DRAFT” players be so hard to memorize?
I really will never get this one.
That said, I’ll also never understand not showing up. Fear and Loathing called me the day after the draft to apologize. He got caught up with stuff around the house and when I called him at 9 p.m., he was not around his phone.
After a chaotic start, the draft settled down as we came up with a way to handle Fear stealing everyone’s keeper.
Somehow, some way, he managed to draft his keeper — a round early, but nonetheless comically impressive.
So we all know his team needs some work, but maybe a few waiver wire pickups will be enough to allow him to compete? He should have a great defense based on the fact the CPU started picking defenders in the fifth round for him. I guess the computer really likes J.J. Watt. I mean, who doesn’t?
But will that be enough to get to the playoffs?
I would tell you what everyone thinks in the preseason poll, but we couldn’t get enough teams to vote this year.
And you AFC and NFC division champs are Chalupa Batman and World of Noise.
What? Were you expecting to see my name in first place?
Nick Nikish: “Ah, but of course you wouldn’t have him put you first. That’d be too obvious. So you must be second.”
Nope. I’m third! Far too low if you ask me, but hey, I didn’t pay the consultant.
AFC
1. Chalupa Batman
2. Graybill’s Generals
3. Jimmy Jammers
4. Team Boyer
5. Choo Big TeeDees
6. Dottsville Toasters
7. Jawz Attack
NFC
1. World of Noise
2. Channel 4 News Team
3. Sunday Slackers
4. Philly Cheese Steaks
5. Dawson’s Creek
6. T-Money
7. Fear and Loathing
There you have it. Now we have our preseason favorites.
And 13 weeks from now, we’ll find out just how good this consultant was.
There’s a new playoff structure, so please see the new rulebook to see how the playoffs will be handled, but basically it boils down to the top two teams in each division getting automatic bids to the playoffs.
The next four best records in the entire JFL will make the playoffs. For seeding, etc., see the rulebook.
NFC CAPSULES
1. World of Noise
He’s loud. He’s boisterous. And now, the consultant gave him the early bragging rights.
With second-round pick Todd Gurley … Er, I mean, Fear and Loathing’s first-round pick … Noise is going to battle for the best backfield in the JFL. Kareen Hunt and Todd Gurley could be the combo that gets Noise to the Super Bowl.
Nearly a third of his team are Eagles, so the Super Bowl should be nothing new for them.
Nor would be nothing new for them to win.
For Noise, however, it would be as he still finds himself without a trophy after 12 years.
Hey, 13 is his favorite number.
2. Channel 4 News Team
Now, here’s a true JFL champion. The consultant had no clue who was who, and he certainly had no clue that he picked the reigning champion to finish second in his division.
Just cannot be true. This team has to be better than that.
If it is, it’s because he snagged the strong-armed Patrick Mahomes. This was the one guy on my list — yes, Parker, my list — that I didn’t get.
And even if Mahomes doesn’t take over starting QB spot on News Team, I think he still defends his title.
Why?
Easy. Look at this defense. Telvin Smith, Khalil Mack and Landon Collins. That’s a mighty defense. Nick must have studied hard and put all his effort into making sure he had the best three defensive players not named J.J. Watt. Thanks, Auto Draft Fear.
With these defenders, it’s amazing that he doesn’t like this system. You’re telling me you’d rather own the Buffalo Bills or the Cleveland Browns as a whole?
3. Sunday Slackers
These little previews were supposed to be just that. Little.
Time to get back to that plan.
And this is the perfect one to do it for. Parker drafted the suspended Jameis Winston. Backup to the backup, I know. But he really does have a hankering for bad boys. First Zeke. Now Winston.
He also has a hankering for the gold ol’ days. He brought back Drew Brees and A.J. Green, who were Slacker staples during the two-keeper era.
Why did we change from that? asks Nikish.
Oh, quiet. Your capsule was finished a few paragraphs ago.
4. Philly Cheese Steaks
DeShaun Watson is going to throw a bunch of TD passes this year, and I’m going to love it. So will the Philly Cheese.
Which brings us to an important matter with Philly Cheese.
From now on, he will be known as the Philly Philly Cheese Steaks.
5. Dawson’s Creek
Dawson should have kept Tyreek Hill. A fifth-round WR. Would have made more sense than Philip Rivers, with whom he replaced before he even got to draft him. Big Ben is now the QB here with Rivers as a backup.
Antonio Brown surely makes up for not having Tyreek Hill. Easily. But the prospect of having Hill, Brown and a QB like Big Ben would have been nice.
6. T-Money
Man, this really must sting. Le’Veon Bell is not coming back to the Steelers for a while. Not only was he T-Money’s keeper, it was a first-round keeper.
His other running back is LeSean McCoy who shouldn’t be playing based on reports.
And the biggest head-scratcher is why didn’t he go get another Pitt back in James Conner?
I was waiting for it to happen and now it’s too late.
Bell is a big loss for sure, but T-Money still has a team that can compete. Maybe, just maybe, Bell will come back in time to make a run into the playoffs.
7. Fear and Loathing
As I said, I didn’t tell the consultant a thing, and he was easily able to figure out that Fear and Loathing dropped the ball in the draft.
Dalvin Cook is pretty much the lifeline for this team. Fear would have been another owner in this league that should have made a run at James Conner.
I imagine after Week 1, Fear will be making a few moves to get the top performers on the wire.
AFC CAPSULES
1. Chalupa Batman
The group of wideouts here reminds me of my team. This is a good squad. He needs Carson Wentz to come back and be healthy, of course, but as long as he gets some decent RB play out of one of his four backs, he’ll be OK. He will only start one RB a week, that’s for sure.
2. Graybill’s Generals
I’m not too excited about the QB situation with Alex Smith, but Saquon Barkley, Stefon Diggs and Odell Beckham are going to win Graybill some big games. Carlos Hyde could be sneaky good, too.
Needless to say, this could be one of Graybill’s best seasons since 2006 when he won 10 games.
I also assume he’s got his keeper for the next five years or so. Saquon was on everyone’s wish list. There was no way he was getting past Pick No. 1.
3. Jimmy Jammers
Now, this is a good team. Gordon and Freeman will battle Noise for the best RB duo in the JFL, and if Alshon gets healthy and Dez Bryant signs somewhere, this team could be really good.
Right, Parker?
Can you imagine? There has to be some poor guy who drafted in early August and took both Le’Veon Bell and Dez Bryant.
4. Team Boyer
Will you just change your name to Spacklers already?
What are you waiting for? Tom Brady to retire?
Thirteen years, and all 13 have seen Tom Brady as a keeper. That’s pretty insane.
It’s also pretty insane that he was kept again. Boyer easily could have drafted him again in the fourth or fifth rounds and had a better star offensive player.
5. Choo Big TeeDees
This is odd to see Matthew Stafford on another team. As long as he performs like he normally does, and as long as David Johnson is back healthy, Choo should have better than a fifth-place team.
Then again, maybe the AFC is good enough to get five teams in and fifth would be good enough.
Choo would like that. He missed the playoffs in baseball again and this is something that could really help his morale.
6. Dottsville Toasters
I don’t know what to say here. I don’t even know who these running backs are. I know they’re RB1s on their respective teams, I just can’t say anything more than that. Devin Funchess could be a nice sleeper pick to have a big year at WR with Cam Newton throwing to him, but based on what little I know, the Toasters will need more than one breakout season here to get past those teams the consultant put above him.
7. Jawz Attack
Finally. The last capsule. I’ve been watching the new Jack Ryan series on Amazon. Episode 7 is about to start. … I started writing this whole thing during Episode 2. I just looked down. Ten pages. Jesus. This is long.
Grant it, I write in a Word document template that is set up for novels, so in reality, this is probably only 4 or 5 pages.
Jawz is somehow listed seventh here with Aaron Rodgers at QB. He has the best QB in the division and he’s in last. If Jimmy Graham is healthy in GB, that could be a nice combo to have.
Mark Ingram is suspended so Jawz will have to roll with Adrian Peterson for the time being.
I guess it could be worse. He got really lucky that no one picked up Joe Mixon when he missed his keeper spot.
That’s right. Jawz got Mixon one round too late. Which is legal. That’s on the 13 other owners — well, 12 and one computer — for not noticing and swooping in to take him.
That would have left Jawz in quite the pickle at RB.
Time To Kick Off
The season is upon us. The Eagles kick off in less than 24 hours. I’m kind of excited for this. We’ll see if it dies down a bit when hockey season comes around.
In any case, good luck to all.
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