The press pool waits anxiously for her arrival, ready to attack as soon as she does.
Lately, everyday is the same at the White House.
The press asks questions and Sarah Huckabee Sanders tells lies.
Today is expected to be no different.
Week 1 of the JFL has passed and Consultant Gate is all over the news.
CNN is all over it like a missing plane.
Fox and Friends are asking for the consultant’s birth certificate — was Ryan Sakamoto even born here? Prove it!
MSNBC has misreported it as usual.
It’s been a cluster, and here we are, waiting for Sarah Huckabee Sanders to come out and face the wrath of Consultant Gate.
Cameras start clicking, the room becomes abuzz and alas, she enters through the door on the left wearing a bright pink dress.
“Good afternoon,” she says, stepping to the podium and opening a folder. “I have no updates today so we will go right to questions. … Jonathan?”
“Yes, Jonathan Karl, ABC News. What does the President have to say about Fear and Loathing winning in Week 1 despite the consultant picking him dead last?”
“The President still holds firm that the consultant chosen by the Jargon did an incredible job and he is, in fact, an unsung hero of the JFL. He tasked the Jargon to find the very best person for the job, and since the President specifically selected the Jargon for this job, he has complete faith in his consultant.”
“But doesn’t he know that the consultant also picked Jawz to finish last!” CNN’s Jim Acosta interrupted.
“Haven’t we kicked you out of this room yet?” Sanders asked. “You were not called on so I will not answer your question. … Let’s go to Jennifer.”
“Yes, Jennifer Bendery, Huffington Post. The President contradicted your statement earlier by tweeting in all caps that Fear and Loathing is already a champion in his mind. One, how does that work with his confidence in the consultant, and two, does that mean Fear and Loathing will be invited to the White House?”
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| This is a legit screenshot from the White House briefing this Tuesday. No lie. |
Sanders paused and smiled, “Well, if you listen to what the President actually says, he stands by the consultant, but at the same time, acknowledges the fact that it is a preseason poll, so things can change. He remembers being at the bottom of polls once before and look at him now. He’s the President. So yes, he believes in Fear. He firmly believes Fear is the path to winning. And in fact, Fear and Loathing has already accepted the invite and we are working on the arrangements right now.”
“But what about Jawz,” Acosta interrupted again. “He scored the JFL’s most points in Week 1 and he was selected to finish last. Shouldn’t he also get an invite?”
Sanders turned to Jim with an angry face, “Jim. Do I interrupt you? Please. Wait your turn.”
“When will you call on CNN?!”
“Jim. … Wait your turn. … Let’s go to Jeff.”
“Jeff Mason, Reuters. Do you have proof that there were missing preseason poll ballots? Can it be proved that a consultant was even necessary?”
“Jeff, we are 100 percent confident in the results of the poll turnout. The President does admit had he been more involved and not the Jargon, there would have been 100 percent turnout and a consultant would not have been necessary. In fact, it would have been the biggest turnout in JFL preseason poll history.”
Jim jumps in once more: “Can you tell us if the President has respect for Jawz Attack? I want to hear you say he has respect for Jawz Attack.”
“Jim, one more time, and I’m going to have to ask you to leave. … John.”
“John Roberts, Fox News. Is there any comment on how bad World of Noise was despite being a division favorite?”
“The President is actually looking into trade violations with the Noise. The transaction history shows him acquiring Todd Gurley, who scored virtually half of his points, for nothing from Fear and Loathing. That’s not fair trade. We can’t let loud enemy nations like the Peoples Republic of Noise to get away with such trades. The President vows to win trades like that from now on.”
“But that trade came about after Nikolai Malavski meddled with the draft!” Acosta shouted. "Isn't it true the President's lawyer set up a meeting with Nikolai the night of the draft?!"
Sarah ignores him and looks over to Ali Vitali of NBC News. “Ali?”
Jim continues to shout as Ali starts: “There are rumors that the President is going to sign an executive order today. Can you clue us in on what it will entail?”
“Actually, it was already signed early this morning. It’s been a long time coming, and we’d like to thank lobbyist Nick Nikish for his on-going support of this bill that just hasn’t been able to make its way through the Congress due to lazy Democrats not willing to do their jobs—”
“He’s getting rid of defensive players in the JFL!?!?” Acosta questioned loudly.
“No, Jim. Jesus Christ, no. Stop interrupting. The President signed the executive order that officially changes Team Boyer to The Spacklers starting in Week 2.”
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