The point totals are back!
Adding a running back and wide receiver spot back into the fold, along with
those Nick Nikish-favorite three extra defender spots, has really brought the
scoring back to the JFL.
It’s like we are Triple-A
baseball using the Major League ball.
Then again, maybe some of
the scores are up because of the wild number of offensives performances to
start the season.
I mean, Lamar Jackson had
48 points on 5 TDs thanks to a Dolphins team that gave up two weeks ago.
The Cheese Steaks had a
hell of a start to the JFL season with a 177.3-117.3 win over an unlucky
Slackers.
His first two picks,
DeAndre Hopkins (25.5) and Christian McCaffrey (36.35) combined for 61.85
points, and his live television pick of Amari Cooper had 18.15 points.
One would have to believe
that Lamar Jackson isn’t going to put up that kind of points weekly, because
let’s be honest, only one team in the NFL has totally quit on the season, and
he got to face them Week 1.
Nevertheless, Steaks
flexed his muscles Week 1.
And while flexing his
muscles, he went on a free agent frenzy on Monday, picking up all the top
scorers from the weekend.
A glitch, mind you, in my
setup allowed him to do something that has never been a thing in the 14 years of the JFL.
Despite that, he did it.
I really have to wonder
what his thought process was as he clicked the plus sign over and over again.
Was he thinking: Man, these fools are letting all the good
guys go?!
Or was he thinking: Why is this so easy? Why am I the only one
picking up all the double-digit scorers from Week 1? Why is this happening on a
Monday? Wasn’t there a waiver process before? Odd. Oh well. [click, click,
click, click]
That’s right. Jim Vaughn is that guy during a riot who is rolling out a cart with a brand new flat screen, and not even the TV in a box; he grabbed the display model.
Well, god was watching and
he struck him down with a bunch of clicks of the “UNDO TRANSACTION” button.
So, today’s lesson: If
you’re doing something that makes you think, “Damn, this is too good to be
true,” maybe you should give me a call.
Anyway, even without the
free FA stars, Cheese Steaks has a damn good-looking team after Week 1.
So does the Noise, who
called Dawson to tell him that he sucks and then recorded the phone call. He’s
working on turning it into a hype video for next week.
Noise will be sure to show
up to the hospital and play it for all of Dawson’s players. So many went down,
including Tyreek Hill.
I’ll hold my real thoughts
on that hospitalization, but I will say that when the news popped up on the
bottom line on Sunday, I cracked a smile.
To make matters worse for
Dawson, the early loss of Hill opened the door for fifth-round pick Sammy
Watkins, who went on to post 198 yards and 3 TDs receiving.
It was just one of three
big performances for the Noise. Watkins’ 45.55 points was added to DeSean Jackson’s
33.75 and Carson Wentz’s 36.2.
Todd Gurley wasn’t used as
much as he normally is due to an injury, but he still ran for 97 yards and
scored 10.3 points for the Noise.
About 10 days ago, a.k.a.
about three Dawson picks, Noise selected DeSean Jackson and got the news that
he had broken a finger.
Well, I’m guessing that
finger wasn’t important.
Two 50-plus-yard TDs later
and it looks like the Noise may have found gold in the mid rounds — which is
good considering his continued determination to waste an early draft pick on
Stephen Gostkowski.
Gost had 16.2 points, so
once again, I am wrong to criticize.
…
…
OK, fine.
I’ll do it.
While I’m on this apology
train, I may as well pull off this Band-Aid.
Boyer, Mr. Spackler, I am
sorry. I made fun of your 1-1 selection of keeper Tom Brady.
After Sunday night, I’m
certain you will score a ton of points thanks to Tom Brady.
He threw for 341 yards and
3 TDs (36.8 points), and that was without Antonio Brown.
This Patriots team could
do some pretty ridiculous things this year, and with Boyer owning the combo of
T.B. and A.B., he may have most of the League shouting S.O.B.
Everyone but Noise who
spoiled Boyer’s 140.3 points in Week 1 with 168.5 of his own.
Sometimes that’s how it
goes.
Trust me, I know.
I faced the highest
scoring team week after week in 2015 and 2016, and by season’s end, I had given
up the most points in the JFL.
It’s a stat you cannot
control.
Boyer was there last year.
He faced a League-high 1,255.2 points per game and went 2-11. Yes, he gave up
96.5 points per game, but to make matters worse, he only scored 76.3 on
average.
So despite watching the second-best JFL offensive performance go up on the other side, at least he can know
that he is leaps and bounds better than he was last season.
CASE OF THE MUNDAYS
Choo rode the Austin
Ekeler train (35.8 points) to a 117.4-98.1 win, but he’s lucky that Graybill
went with Nick Foles over Case Keenum.
Foles started strong with
a TD pass early and then left the game with a broken clavicle. He’s now on the
IR after scoring just 9.5 points for the Generals.
Quite the bummer for the
Jaguars, and it would be a huge bummer for the Generals if it weren’t for the
fact that Case Keenum tore it up on Sunday. With 380 yards and 3 TDs, he scored
39.6 points and it would have been plenty enough to send Graybill to 1-0.
Though he’s 0-1, Keenum
will at least keep Graybill from going into a panic heading into Week 2.
SUPER BOWL DEFENSE IS A BREES
The man who defends his
poor projections is somehow 1-0 despite several key position players throwing
up dud performances in Week 1.
His 2-point win over Fear
— which was super close in the end as Courtland Sutton scored 14.45 points in
the late Monday night game — was fueled by Drew Brees’ performance in the thrilling
early Monday night game.
Without that game-winning
drive for the Saints, Jawz would have lost.
He needed all 30.9 points
of Brees’ output and if those shotty projections continue to hold true, Jawz
will need that every week.
Then again, maybe he’ll
get lucky again and face the lower scoring teams each week? Last year, he was
third in the league “allowing” just 85.7 points per game.
…
OK, I have to apologize
again.
I faced Crux this week who scored
a League-worst 71.65 points.
I guess someone forgot to
tell him the point totals are back!
Thanks for reading the Jargon. I’m glad he’s back
for football, too. Did he miss your team? Well, there’s 14 in the League and
you’re crazy to think he has that kind of time. Lodge your complaints with new
assistant commissioner Brian O’Reilly.
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