The biggest question for the Gamblers right now is FedEx or UPS.
OK, well, clearly with the way this team is set up, it’s not the biggest question, but at the present time for this blog post it is.
Deciding which carrier to use is important when trying to send a gift, and when Gleyber Torres leads the majors in homers and RBIs because he gets to play the Orioles 10 times out of 60 games, Parker will undoubtedly be looking to send a “thank you” care package to Baltimore.
“I can neither confirm nor deny what has or hasn’t been sent to the Double-A team in Baltimore,” Parker said. “However, I can say that after talking with Gley that he is ready for the season and 14 homers is a little light. He may have 14 just against the Orioles. Vegas has Gley's odds as second best for the MVP so I see a 20-homer season from him. Mark. It. Down.”
Sure, I’ll write it down.
Just let me find my Parker sheet.
Let’s find an open space to write it down.
Andrew Heaney next Kershaw.
Bubba Starling the next Trout.
Ah, here’s a spot.
Consider it “Marked.”
Oh, wait? There’s more from the King of Fantasy?
“This just in, the Shitscale must have the ‘Rona because it's not thinking clearly,” Parker screamed in a Howard Dean-like manner. “To say that The Gamblers who have one of the best teams in the AL will miss the playoffs is a big oversight, so let's walk through this. The Gamblers have the most projected home runs, which will lead to highs in runs and RBIs. With the addition of Moose and Chapy it gives the Gamblers more versatility around the diamond with more power and average. We have four No. 1 starters in Castillo, Verlander, Strasburg and Gray.... I know you’re saying Gray is not a number 1 starter, look it up last year, ACE! The Gamblers have the most well rounded team in the league. The only competition for that number spot is the Choo and I see we will be fighting it out for that 1-2 spot all season. Either way we'll be in the playoffs and take down the title for the franchise's third World Series title.”
I’m not going to lie, this reads like a Donald Trump Twitter rant.
Don’t believe me? Just look:
See? Told you.
Guessing it won’t be long before he starts ranting like that on the Slack channel. We all know he hates bad press. Parker, that is.
That press will only get worse after Josh Bell wins the MVP like Eduardo Perez predicted and Joey Bart becomes the catcher many think he can be. Parker will regret those trades.
“Not a chance! Have you seen Contreras in Summer Camp? Four bombs already... Bart who? Bart is more a defensive catcher, a good hitter but we won't see him until September so No, no regrets here. I received a great upgrade to Votto for a Greeny and a first-rounder, it's a no brainer.”
And that meant Votto was expendable, so he went packing, too. In his stead, more Reds.
“Votto, I wish him well. Do I wish he was on another team other than the Crox, sure... The Crox don't deserve such a national Canadian treasure that is Votto. Having said that he's a .270 hitter with single-digit homers this year and a lot of walks. The Gamblers have the best players on the Reds still, Suarez and Castillo. It was a tough move getting rid of Votto but you have to use your head not your heart in this game. That’s a free piece of advice for all you guys who haven’t won a World Series ring, I'm looking at you, Choo and Crox!”
Free advice from Parker?
That should work well for everyone who takes it.
Mark. It. Down.
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