PHILADELPHIA — The Jim Vaughn vs. Jimmy Johnson rivalry is about to go to a brand new level.
In a shocking move, the Slammers packed up shop and moved to Bensalem on Tuesday to officially become crosstown rivals with the Philly Cheese Steaks. The new "North Siders" held an impromptu Zoom conference call on Tuesday night to announce the move.
"I'd like to say this was a long time coming, but in reality, it was a quick quip by Butter that made this train leave the station," Johnson said during the Zoom call. "His stance toward taking the 'name' out of the team really hit home with us and we wanted to follow that model right away."
He went on to explain during the Zoom introduction that the Slammers were returning home in a way.
"I was born in Bensalem and it holds a special place in my heart," he said. "I used to live right across from Neshaminy Creek and I have vivid memories of my childhood there. I could think of no better place to move my franchise. ... Plus, it has a nice ring to it."
The Zoom press conference included Crox, who was there in case any trade negotiations broke out; Jim Vaughn and Sam Marcinek both joined because they received releases in their WFMZ inboxes and it was a slow news night; The Pitt News joined because some poor student was fooled by Jimmy to show up and support a Pitt News alum; Ryan Sakamoto showed up by accident because Jimmy was pirating his work Zoom account; the Jargon Sports Network newsroom was on the call; and Buster Olney briefly showed up, shouted "Not again!" and abruptly left the call.
JSN: "Hi, JSN newsroom here. Any truth to the rumors that you're making this change solely to re-jump Butter in the offseason standings?"
Jimmy: "Absolutely. [chuckles all around] ... In honesty, I wasn't lying when I said I was moved by Butter's final words, but I cannot deny that once we were moved by his words, we opened the dictionary and focused solely on any words in between aardvark and charity. So there is some truth to that. Next question."
[Long pause]
JSN: "Well, we'll go again since no one else is. Any worries on the Dodgers coming at you for trademarks?"
Jimmy: "Not at all. In fact, once the Gamblers added the word 'Dodging' to his name, we were a bit worried that he'd jump in and steal this branding from us, so we're happy to jump in and secure it for ourselves. As for the real Dodgers, we are not worried because we got consent."
JSN: "You did?"
Jimmy: "Yes, Blake Treinen, a keeper for the 2021 Slammers signed with the Dodgers and included it in his contract. We thank him kindly for that. And it really is perfect for us. Like the Dodgers, we've been living in the past. They went thirty-plus years without a championship. We hope to end our own little slump this year."
Crox: "Hey, I'll jump in here. Why was it important to keep the Slammers moniker and will you trade me Randy Arozarena?"
Jimmy: "Well, for starters, it's the name we want to remain on the trophy. ... You hear that, Choo. The trophy. Our name is on there three times. You can't erase that. But you can add yours to it any time you want. Go ahead. Join us. ... Back to your question, we had to keep Slammers. It's engrained in our franchise. People call me Slammers. I cannot just change that. It's just like Choo. He changes his name like, well, the way he changes his roster, and at the end of the day, he's still Choo. The same goes for us. We are the Slammers and we are not trading Randy. Any other questions?"
JSN: "Are you looking forward to your emboldened rivalry with the Steaks now?"
Jimmy: "Yes, absolutely. It means more when we're fighting for the bragging rights of the city, but let's not just focus on JV here. The Dude is in the Burgh, and the Philly-Pittsburgh rivalry is among the best. Those Nuts in Charleston are from there, too. So we have state bragging rights on the line, as well. ... Any final questions?"
The Pitt News: "Ah, his, Marcus Edwards, from The Pitt News. In preparation for this call. ... Which we now regret wasting time on. ... We found that a man named Choo, who you mentioned a bit ago, is quite set on his ways that this franchise has zero real championships, that your titles were won in an era when the competition wasn't what it is now."
Jimmy: "Marcus. What's your major there at Pitt?"
Marcus: "Ah, um, communications."
Jimmy: "Well, when you get an A on your mid-terms, do you expect your professor to just throw out your A in the middle of the semester and say it doesn't count anymore because that test wasn't as hard as the test you're taking today?"
Marcus: "Um, no."
Jimmy: "Then show some respect. Besides, the man in question brags about his favorite Major League team having 27 rings. Nineteen of those came without ever having to win a playoff game before making the World Series, yet he still brags about all 27. I think that says all we need to know about this Choo character. We're finished here."
[Zoom call has been ended by host.]
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