Come in, Choo.
Have a seat.
Choo sits and looks around the room filled with JLB members.
"What's going on guys?"
The room is silent. Awkwardly silent.
Finally, Crox breaks the silence.
"Ah, Choo, we need—"
"Bless you," I say, interupting.
"This isn't a time for dad jokes, Jimmy," JV says.
"You're right, go on, Crox."
Crox shakes his head and continues on without the verbal crutch.
"Choo," he says, pronouncedly while looking right at me, "We need to have an intervention."
Choo's head pans and scans the room to see all the JLB members nodding their heads in agreement with Crox.
"Your pitching stinks."
Deep?
Shane Beiber, Gerrit Cole, Clayton Kershaw, Jack Flaherty and Zack Greinke make up the first starting five. Sean Manaea and Domingo German round out the next starting five.
You'll note that's only seven starters.
I guess you can factor in that two of them will strike out enough to equal another JLB average starter, so there is that, but at the end of the day, the projections fall well short of the Slammers' starting rotation — and that rotation is garbage.
How short? Well, it misses by four quality starts, 19 wins, and more than 350 strikeouts.
"I just like picking on the Slammers," Choo says, "because no one else dare pick on the Commish!"
Well, that's cute, but it still leaves you in a world of trouble because picking on me may be the only thing you enjoy this season.
Offensively, so much went into acquiring Luke Voit, and it was question then, and it was questioned once again a week ago when the Jargon Sports Network sent out questions.
"Have you seen Voit’s hair?" Choo asked? "Or his bare chest accentuated by what appears to be 24k gold? Or his entire body composition? That man is 70 percent water, 20 percent Old Spice, 6.9 percent MuscleMilk, and 3.1 percent steak. Voit hits 48 this year and is Top 3 MVP Candidate with Trout and Judge."
Well, have you seen his meniscus? It's 50 percent torn and he's 100 percent injured.
There are some backup options there, including Rhys Hoskins, who I like to bounce back, so maybe Choo can survive that injury, but end of the day, he is going to need Ronald Acuna Jr. to be the No. 1 player in baseball — and I do believe that is possible. Acuna wants to hit the 50-50 mark, and I think he can do it.
"Acuña to the moon," Choo said, including his stock market rocket emoji. "He wins MVP, puts up a .305-52-125-50 video game line. Also improves BB:K rate significantly."
Sounds crazy, but that's only because it's coming from Choo, the man with the most confidence in the JLB.
As the intervention starts to clear out because all of us realize there's no changing the Choo, the Dude, who is carrying the World Series trophy, turns to make one final statement.
"Do you even know what it takes to win this?"
"As I was in 2020, be the best Roto team in the league. Make continual bold moves. Trade guys when others wouldn’t. Make fun of Jimmy. Use all seven adds by Tuesday - every week. Most of all, just have fun. One of these years, Choo will win. If not this year of twenty-twenty one, but in twenty-twenty choo."
Ah, Choo.
Bless you.
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