There's never been a scandal quite like it in the JLB and it is about to hit hard. The public relations department is scrambling around at the JLB headquarters.
Why?
Well, it's not good. The Little Lebowski Urban Achievers are on the verge of getting a lifetime ban from the JLB.
Sources say that the owner of the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers, the Dude, has been betting on JLB games for years.
Multiple sources have delivered evidence that the Dude has bet several times on the over-under for the number of trades Choo would make in a single season, and that he has personally helped bolster those numbers to reach the over-under mark.
Financial records also showed that he placed a bet in June of 2023, taking the odds that the Cheese Steaks would win the National League. In the weeks that followed the bet, the Dude lost 16-5-3 and 12-8-4 to the Steaks who wound up winning the division by 6 games.
And worst of all, sources say a massive bet was placed in the fall of 2022, where thousands were wagered on the Breakfast coming back to win the World Series after falling in the first matchup of the series.
The Dude had won that first matchup convincingly 16-8-0. All the Dude had to do to win the World Series was float with an even record in the second week, but his massive collapse led to the Breakfast winning his third JLB World Series.
The evidence is rather clear, the Dude threw the 2022 series.
The Dude, however, vehemently denies the allegations.
"I bet on KBO only," said the Dude, who has openly admitted before to being such a gambling degenerate that he bets on KBO action. "This is not 'nam, this is baseball, there are rules! Am I the only one here that gives a shit about the rules!?"
He says he cares about the rules, but here is caught red-handed.
But sources say, behind the scenes, the Dude was shredding documents, moving money to off-shore accounts and trading any player associated with his betting scandals. He even moved the guy named "Betts" just to be safe.
This all comes on the heels of what was expected to be a fantastic season for the Dude. He's coming off a season where he won 270 games and a stretch where he won 259 in 2021 and 260 in 2022.
His regular-season win percentage of .570 is second in the League behind the Cheese Steaks.
The only reason he doesn't have more World Series titles is because he's ran into the Breakfast in the World Series in back-to-back years.
We thought it was just the Dude being the Dude at the wrong time, but maybe there was something more to it.
Need proof? Look no further than his morning routine. We thought maybe he was going to have a taste aversion to all kinds of breakfast foods, but alas, he somehow still loves the first meal of the day.
"The Dude loves breakfast foods," he said. "No amount of JLB pain will change that. However, if a third consecutive meeting somehow occurs, there will be a full on breakfast food boycott in the The Dude's pad, man."
See, more evidence that he's betting on the JLB and throwing the World Series.
Any normal owner would denounce eggs and bacon and sausage and pancakes and more. But the Dude, he keeps it coming. The Denny's Grand Slam? Sure, why not!
And that makes sense because his team was making several round trips last season, 259 to be exact. That mark was just short of top 5 all-time in the JLB, which doesn't sound too impressive until you realize he did it in three fewer weeks.
If we didn't have the modified JLB schedule for 2023, he would have demolished the HR record.
"Asterisk material," the Dude said with a chuckle.
He's in line to knock out that record this year with a projected 334 homers from his S-Scale starters, but as mentioned in a prior Jargon, the Choo is pegged to hit 341.
Part of that is because the Dude sent a pair of 30 HR hitters over to Choo in the Ohtani deal, but he's not too worried about it. In fact, he's rather excited to have the player he's been targeting for years.
"After missing out on Ohtani last off season, the Dude was bummed," he said. "But Ohtani went to the next best place, Choolandia, where everyone is voted off the island eventually, so it was only a matter of time before he'd be sent packing. And how could The Dude not go all in for modern day Babe Ruth! You have to take big chances in the JLB to succeed — dare I say, you gotta have some gambler in you. Oh no, there's that dirty 'G' word. Though, it is pretty damn funny the main return for Ohtani was a guy named Betts."
It's like he's not even hiding it anymore.
We see right through you, Dude.
It's pretty clear that he's ready to throw another World Series to Sam, and what easier way to do it than to cut back on the pitching. Holding on to Max Scherzer and Justin Verlander is just silly.
"The Dude drafted pitching almost exclusively this year, taking only 3 total bats," he said, acting like he tried to put some effort into making a pitching staff. "Excited to see what guys like Olson, Crochet, Weathers and Francis can do with their opportunities. The Dude is optimistic, but this is definitely the weakest on paper pitching we've had the last few seasons."
Ah ha! See. Weakest on paper in years. This shouts 1919 Black Sox all over again.
Wait. ... Wait one second.
We are just getting word that the Dude has been cleared of all charges and that his security advisor, Walter Sobchak of Sobchak Security, has been taken into custody. Sobchak has walked back prior comments and is now admitting to being behind everything. It appears the Dude even gave him access to his finances and this was all a horrible case of betrayal.
Oh, man, do we here at the Jargon Sports Network feel like jerks.
Dude, I hope you will forgive us.
"Fuck it, Dude," he said, not making it clear or not if he was talking in third person like he sometimes does or speaking to everyone in general. "Let's go baseball!"
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