The Main Line Gamblers do not trust mainstream media, which includes the Jargon Sports Network.
Why?
Because he just got word that a scathing report was going to be published in the near future and he wasn't going to coddle the very network that was about to try to bring him down.
So he instead called his own press conference, invited no cameras, and delivered a statement through an interpreter who could read through his grammatical typos and spelling errors. That statement was then transcribed by A.I. which re-Parkerized the statement to bring back all of the said spelling errors and grammatical typos, and it was released late Monday night.
The Jargon Sports Network received a copy of the release and here it is.
MAIN LINE GAMBLERS
123 SKENES AVE
CONDON, GA 20910
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
The Gamblers brass sat down after the disappointing and injury plagued 2023 season and came up with a Three tiered approach to the upcoming off-season. We wanted to go in a different direction in all aspects and that included Trades, Green Draft and the Regular Season draft.
Trades
We looked at the overall roster construction after the season and found we really needed some help in certain areas. The first being the bullpen and throughout the entire Gamblers franchise we've always had the saying "Don't Pay for Saves". We changed that this year with the trade of Jordan Lawlar for Emmanuel Clase. We feel like for the first time ever we went into the draft with two top 5 closers. Secondly, we needed a LF and who better than Spencer Steer who can more than handle LF for us but also gives us depth at multiple positions. Although, As of now, he's penciled into 1B taking over for the once prized prospect Andrew Vaughn. With having three starting Center Fielders in JRod, Riley Greene and Jung Hoo-Lee we knew we could move one for pitching. Choo was able to part with the Cy Young potential Skubal for Greene straight up! Also, don't forget the two first round picks also from Choo for Emmett Sheehan who is injured... We felt we had one of the best off-seasons trade wise in quite some time.
Green Draft
In years past we went with prospects who would take a year or two to get the show. This year we went with the win now strategy and drafted Shota Imanaga and Yuki Matusi with the first two picks. They will set right up into their teams rotation and closer role respectively. The third was Condon who if you've been following college baseball could be drafted one overall and be in the bigs next year. It went against my win now strategy but I felt he was the best pick at that time.
Regular Draft
We again took the strategy of win now with the first three picks being the aging Yu Darivsh, Craig Kimbrel and Lourdes Gurriel Jr. We know they are not great dynasty picks but we are so young in terms of prospects and franchise players we could afford it, even if they are only on the team for a year. They are solid players that will fill in nicely with the rest of the team. With that mindset we drafted Lane Thomas and Robert Suarez with pick 4 and 5. They gave us another 20/20 bat and with Suarez it gave us a handcuff for Yuki in the closers role.The rest of the picks were a variety of depth picks but starting out with 7 SP's already on the team from keepers we were able to really go after the holes in the lineup which was relief pitchers and some depth at certain offensive positions. With the Slammer S*** Scale coming out on Monday, it looks like our Pitching strategy worked, having one of the best staffs in the league.
We feel by the way we implemented the above three tiered approach we have accomplished our goals and have the best well-rounded team going into the season in quite some time. Some might say since the back to back championships in 2009 and 2010 but we don't talk about that, they don't count, right Slammers?
The Jargon Sports Network reached out for further comment, but the calls went unanswered, presumably because the cellphone signal bounced off his tin-foil hat and rejected the call. Had he answered, the JSN would have alerted him to the fact that the information he was provided about a scathing article was from a fake Facebook meme posted by a crazy uncle and that he had nothing to worry about.
... For now. After all, the Gamblers are coming off their third losing season in last four years, and after having made the playoffs in 11 of the first 12 JLB seasons, he hasn't been back since 2019. There's certainly got to be some turmoil in that front office that the JSN could dig up.
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